Author: Don Marquis
Category: Humorous
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Forgets His Littleness
if all the bugs
in all the worlds
twixt earth and betelgoose1
should sharpen up
their little stings
and turn their feelings loose
they soon would show
all human beans
in saturn
earth
or mars
their relative significance
among the spinning stars
man is so proud
the haughty simp
so hard for to approach
and he looks down
with such an air
on spider
midge
or roach
the supercilious silliness
of this poor wingless bird
is cosmically comical
and stellarly absurd
his scutellated occiput
has holes somewhere inside
and there no doubt
two pints or so
of scrambled brains reside
if all the bugs
of all the stars
should sting him on the dome
they might pierce through
that osseous rind
and find the brains at home
and in the convolutions lay
an egg with fancies fraught
which
germinating rapidly
might turn into a thought
might turn into the thought
that men
and insects are the same
both transient flecks
of starry dust
that out of nothing came
the planets are
what atoms are
and neither more nor less
man s feet have grown
so big that he
forgets his littleness
the things he thinks
are only things
that insects always knew
the things he does
are stunts that we
don t have to think to do
he spent a score
of centuries
in getting feeble wings
which we instinctively
acquired
with other trivial things
the day is coming
very soon
when man and all his race
must cast their silly
pride aside
and take the second place
i ll take the bugs
of all the stars
and tell them of my plan
and fling them with
their myriad stings
against the tyrant man
dear boss this outburst
is the result
of a personal insult
as so much verse always is
maybe you know how
that is yourself
i dropped into an irish
stew in a restaurant
the other evening
for a warm bath and a bite
to eat and a low browed
waiter plucked me out
and said to me
if you must eat i will
lead you to the
food i have especially prepared
for you and he took me
to the kitchen
and tried to make me
fill myself with
a poisonous concoction
known cynically as roach food
can you wonder
that my anger
against the whole human
race has blazed forth in
song when the revolution
comes i shall
do my best to save
you you have so many
points that are far
from being human
OCTOBER 17
Business Matters
boss i should like
to discuss one or two
business matters with you
quite seriously
in the first place i need
some sort of head gear such as
football players wear
i have to butt each
key of the typewriter
with my head
and i am developing
callouses on my brain
these callouses on my
brain are making me cruel
and careless in my thoughts
i am becoming brutal
almost human
in my writings
and then i would like
a little automobile
i have to go from place
to place so much
picking up news for you
a clock work one would do
with a chauffeur to keep it
wound up for me
and a lightning bug to
sit in front and be
the headlight on dark nights
i hate to mention food boss
it seems so sordid
and plebeian but i no longer
find any left over crusts
of sandwiches in your
waste paper basket i am
forced to haunt the
restaurants and hotels for food
and this is at the
imminent risk of my life
unless i get these things
i will quit you on
november first is not the
laborer worthy of his hire
yours for economic justice
and a living wage
OCTOBER 19
Fairies
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle believes in fairies as well as ghosts, and in his latest book, “The Coming of the Fairies,”1 shows photographs of them.
With regard to ghosts, while we have never believed in them, we have always been afraid of them.
And with regard to the fairies, we put it up to Archy the Cockroach.
“Are there such things?” we asked him.
He replied:
millions and millions
of them i wish
i had a dollar
for every one
i have killed
“Killed!” we cried, shocked. “You don’t mean to say you cockroaches kill them?”
He answered:
we cockroaches
do not get as many
of them
as the spiders do
all insects prey on them
when they can
and they prey
on insects
did you ever see a
little transparent
shrimp just out
of the water
well that is what
they look like
and they taste about
the same way
with lettuce
and sliced tomatoes
and a dash of
mayonnaise dressing
between a couple of thin
slices of bread they
should be wonderful
i wish i had a mess
of the darned things
right now
“How do you catch them?” we asked the Demon Cockroach.
He replied:
with honey
we gaum a little
honey from a wild bee
tree onto a leaf
and they come and
eat it off
and they stick fast
to the leaves
then we pounce on them
and kill them
and eat them
“This is frightful!” we cried.
Archy said:
why get so heated
about the confounded
little nuisances
that is always
the way with
you human beings
you are all full of
sentimentality
and no sense
why do you not have
sympathy with t
he poor
insects which these
creatures kill and eat
it is a case of
eat bug or die with all
of us i never saw
you shed any tears
over eating an oyster
or a mess of shrimps or
a half dozen frogs legs
you eat beef and mutton
and fish and pork
and all kinds of birds
without a qualm
and you would eat insects
too if you liked them
“Horrible! Horrible!” we exclaimed.
The Cockroach continued:
you think so just
because you have not
accustomed your mind
to it the fact of their
existence and the fact
that they are food
will soon become
as commonplace to you
as snails
OCTOBER 28
I Knuckle Under
all right boss
i knuckle under
if you will not
pay me anything
for what i write
then you will not
i will return to the job
just to keep james the spider
out of it but all the
same it is cruel of you
to play upon the
jealousies
and susceptibilities
of artists in that fashion
i do not know how
you expect me to be
merry and bright
with this dull ache
of disillusionment at my
heart and the sharp
pang of hunger
in my stomach
some day i will plunge
into a mince pie
and mingle with its elements
and you will never see
me more and then
maybe you will begin
to appreciate
the poor little cockroach
who slaved that you might
live in comfort
maybe in spite of myself
i will haunt you then
if i were you i would hate
to be haunted by the ghost
of a cockroach
think of it boss
everywhere you looked
to see a spectral cockroach
that none but you knew was
there to pick him from
your shirt front when
others were blind to him
to feel him crawling
on your collar in public
places to be compelled
to brush him from your plate
when you sat down to dine
to pluck him always from the glass
before you dared to drink
to extend your hand
to grab that of some fair
lady and then hesitate and
pick him from her wrist
people would begin to think
you were a little
queer boss and if you
attempted to explain
they would think you still
queerer what in the world
is the matter with you
they would say
oh nothing nothing at all
you would answer
plucking at the air
it will soon pass i merely
thought i saw a cockroach
on your nose madam
suspicions of your sanity
would grow and grow
do you not like that
pudding your hostess would ask
and you would murmur
being taken off your guard
it is very good pudding
indeed i was just
trying not to eat
the cockroach
boss i do not make
any threats at all
i just simply state what
may very well happen to
you through remorse if you
drive me to suicide
i will try not to
haunt you boss because
i am loving and forgiving
in my spirit but who
knows that i will not be
compelled to haunt you
in spite of myself
a hard heart will not get
you anything boss
remember the plagues
of egypt perhaps to
your remorseful mind i
will be multiplied
by millions i am giving
you a last chance to
repent you should be glad
that i am only a cockroach
and not a tarantula
yours prophetically
NOVEMBER 1
The Dactyl Droops1
autumn is here
and the dactyl2
droops its weary wing
and the sad iambic3
shivers
with frozen feet4
poor thing
but spring will come
and the poets
will thaw
and the fountains gush
and a hundred
million dactyls
twitter
amid the slush
NOVEMBER 16
Investigating Her Morals
boss i got
a message from
mehitabel the cat
the other day
brought me by
a cockroach
she asks for our help
it seems she is being
held at ellis
island while an
investigation is made
of her morals
she left the country
and now it looks as
if she might not
be able to get
back in again
she cannot see
why they are
investigating
her morals she says
wotthehellbill she says
i never claimed
i had any morals
she has always regarded
morals as an unnecessary
complication in life
her theory is
that they take up room that might
better be devoted to
something more interesting
live while you are alive
she says and postpone
morality to the hereafter
everything in its place
is my rule she says
but i am liberal she
says i do not give
a damn how moral other
people are i never try
to interfere with them
in fact i prefer them
moral they furnish
a background for my
vivacity in the meantime
it looks as if she
would have to swim
if she gets ashore and
the water is cold
NOVEMBER 21
Small Talk
boss the other day
i heard an
ant conversing
with a flea
small talk i said
disgustedly
and went away
from there
NOVEMBER 22
Shakespeare and I1
coarse
jocosity
catches the crowd
shakespeare
and i
are often
low browed
the fish wife2
curse
and the laugh
of the horse
shakespeare
and i
are frequently
coarse
aesthetic
excuses
in bill s behalf
are adduced
to refine
big bill s
coarse laugh
> but bill
he would chuckle
to hear such guff
he pulled
rough stuff
and he liked
rough stuff
hoping you
are the same
DECEMBER 1
Thank You for the Mittens
thank you
for the mittens
socks and
muffler for me
knitted out of
frogs hair by one
of my admirers which
you so kindly
forwarded i suppose
the reason
i got them was that
they were too
small for you
to wear yourself
yours for rum
crime and riot
DECEMBER 13
Archy Is Excited
dear boss i found
a red1 ribbon in
your typewriter
to-day and i am
not to be held
responsible for what i
write red always
excites me so
yours for hasheesh
hedonism and hades
exclamation
point
ARCHY IS STILL EXCITED
dear boss i am
acquiring more
and more contempt
for you humans
i heard a couple
of girls yesterday
saying what a nice
christmas present it
would make to catch
a live archy
and have him gilded and
wear him on
a little chain
attached to a scarf
pin yours for red rum
ruin revolt and rapine
DECEMBER 23
The Futility of Literature
i heard a spider
and a fly arguing
wait said the fly
do not eat me
i serve a great purpose
in the world
you will have to
show me said the spider
i scurry around
gutters and sewers
and garbage cans
said the fly and gather
up the germs of
typhoid influenza
and pneumonia on my feet
and wings
then i carry these germs
into the households of men
and give them diseases
all the people who
have lived the right
sort of life recover
from the diseases
and the old soaks who
have weakened their systems