Author: J. Saman
Category: Contemporary
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I know the feeling.
We come together in the most spectacular way and just as we finally manage to catch our breaths, the doorbell rings, making us both burst out into laughter.
“I hope he didn’t hear us,” I giggle.
“If he did, he can’t be anything but jealous, because that was earth-shatteringly good.” He kisses the tip of my nose before getting up, throwing on his jeans—sans boxers—and going to the door.
I dress quickly because even though I’m off to the side and am blocked from view, I don’t exactly feel comfortable lying here naked on the carpet with the delivery guy only a few feet away.
Ryan and I eat penne in vodka sauce and chicken parmesan in front of the fire and the television, watching the new Star Wars movie on the huge flat screen. It’s heaven, so fucking ideal I want it to last forever.
But I feel the clock chiming inside of me.
The ever-present tickle of guilt.
The hint of betrayal, and the sting of longing, turn my insides out and cause my chest to clench in the worst way. I cling to Ryan, unable to stand even an inch of space between us, and he’s only too happy to hold me just as close.
I want to beg him to never let me go.
To fight the way he said he would.
To be patient and give me time to figure everything out. But I don’t. Instead, I silently sit here and watch the movie, breathing in his scent, which is starting to feel like my home, and enjoying this suspended moment in time.
Because it won’t last.
In fact, it’s just about up.
27
Ryan
* * *
I know before I open my eyes and reach out my hand that she’s gone. My bed is cold. My house quiet. My heart is aching.
Dammit, Katie, how could you run out in the middle of the night?
I should have known she’d want to avoid a big goodbye. I should have expected this.
But I didn’t.
I didn’t, and now I’m crippled with it.
I could go out and try to find her. Try to bring her back and make her stay with me forever, but I won’t. There is no point. She wanted to go.
“Fuck!” I yell out, slamming my fist into the rumpled sheets on her side of the bed. Moving my body over, I bury my face in her pillow, inhaling her smell. The best fucking scent in the world. Katie.
I miss her. It’s only been a couple of hours since she left, and I already can’t stand how much I miss her. The doorbell rings and it takes me less than a second to fly out of bed, throw on my glasses, and run down the stairs in only my boxer briefs. Maybe she went out to get me coffee and a Diet Coke for herself. Maybe she didn’t leave me.
I fling the door open and want to punch the shit out of the face on the other side. Fucking Luke. Why is he here?
And why is he not Katie?
“Why do you look like you’re about to pull out a knife and stab me to death on your front porch? And why are you answering the door mostly naked? Even though I think you’re good looking, you’re just not my type,” he winks. I’m not in the mood for his shit right now.
“What do you want, Luke?” I snap, hoping he’ll just go away and leave me to search the house for Katie before breaking something large and heavy when I convince myself that she’s actually gone.
“Breakfast, man. We talked about it yesterday, remember? Duchess Kate invited me.” He’s scrutinizing me closely before his eyes wander past me into the house. “Where is Duchess Kate?” He can sense that something is off, and I don’t think I can bring myself to say the words out loud.
“No breakfast today. Just go.” I start to close the door when his hand reaches out to stop it.
His eyes flash with confusion before transforming to realization. “She left you, didn’t she?”
Does he have to sound so sympathetic about it? It just makes me want to punch his face in all the more. When I don’t respond, he runs a hand through his short brown hair that he probably spends a small fortune to have cut.
“Fuck, man, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
“What the fuck do you think?” I yell at him, unable to contain my fury any longer and taking it out fully on him.
“I think you love her.”
“Go away, Luke,” I point toward the street behind him. “Please. I can’t deal with you and the shitstorm that’s going on inside my head.”
“Do you want to go out and get drunk? Or laid maybe?” His hands fly up when he sees the rage creeping up my face. “Okay, not either of those things. But I don’t want to leave you alone right now. Have you tried calling her?”
I shake my head, sighing out in frustration because he’s not going to fucking leave. “No, asshole. I knew she was going to take off. It’s not like she didn’t tell me before doing it.”
“I don’t understand. Why would she go and tell you about it beforehand?” Luke walks past me into my house, ignoring the death look I’m throwing him. Heading into the kitchen, he plops down on one of the black leather barstools.
“Because she’s been through a lot of shit and isn’t ready for a relationship, or anything like it for that matter.”
“But she loves you,” he states firmly and clearly, like there isn’t a doubt in his mind. “I freaking saw it, man; otherwise I wouldn’t have messed with her or you so hard.”
Luke is also getting upset now. He liked Katie. I know he did. For me, he liked her. Maybe for himself a little too, but I’ll ignore that.
I shrug, walking over to make myself some coffee. My head is throbbing so bad it feels like it’s going to explode.
“You know we could always hack her phone or her credit cards? Find out where she went, and then you can show up and do the whole big romantic gesture.” I throw him a look that says shut the fuck up now. “Okay, fine. No hacking or grand gestures of love. So you’re just giving up?” He can’t believe it, and neither can I.
But I’m not giving up.
I’m just giving her what she asked for.
Time.
Once I get the coffee going, I turn around to face him, but the look in his eyes is not one I want to see, so I move my attention to the window instead.
“I’m not giving up. I love her. I’m just giving her some space and time.”
“Fine. You know the situation better than I do, but all I’m going to say is don’t wait too long. You two were good together, and I only spent a couple of hours with you.”
Does he have to be such a good friend? It’s odd, but right now, I don’t want comfort or platitudes, or brilliant words of wisdom and advice. I just want to deal with this by myself and wallow in my own self-pity.
I have nothing to say back to that, so I pour myself a cup of the black stuff, hoping it’s the cure for the pounding in my head. It’s not. Only one thing can make me feel better, and she’s off somewhere without me.
Somewhere unknown.
Dammit, Katie.
“Let’s go eat. I’m hungry. And I don’t think you sitting in this house is the best idea.” Luke stands up to his full height—which is an inch or two shorter than me—and waits, his eyes locking onto me like a vise. “I’m telling you, man, when things went to hell with Ronnie, I only got into trouble when I was home alone.”
“I’ll be fine, Luke. Really.” I run a hand through my hair as I sip my coffee. “And I’m not hungry.”
“Fine. No food. Do you want to work?”
Do I? I don’t know. It’s certainly a distraction, and I could use one of those about now.
“What kind of work?” I ask, moving to the large island and setting my plain black mug on top of the marble with a clink.
Luke smiles like the devil himself. “Pen testing?”
“Pen testing what, Luke?” I have zero patience right now.
His smile grows wider. “Tommy’s shit?”
I laugh, and oddly, it feels good despite the vacuous hole where my stupid, pathetic, traitorous heart should be. “Sure, man. Let’s fuck up Tommy’s
shit and see if we can nail his balls to the wall.”
He laughs too, but the gleam in his eyes tells me he’s excited. “A grand says I get in before you.”
“You’re on, motherfucker.”
I run upstairs and change into some clothes. As comfortable as Luke and I are around each other, I’m not going to sit around him in my boxers. My cell phone is still on my nightstand and I can’t help but look.
Nothing. No call. No text. No nothing.
Dammit, Katie.
I thumb through the pictures that I took along the way—sort of like I knew I’d lose her and would need them—and scroll all the way back to the beginning, to our first night in DC when I got Tommy to take a picture of us.
I didn’t even know her then.
She was just the girl I had dreamed of my entire life—the girl from my memories, and fantasies, and wildest imagination. I select the picture and text it to Katie.
This was my plan. I told her I’d fight for her, and I intend to.
So I’m going to send her a new picture everyday—maybe more than once a day—of our trip. Of our time together.
Of us.
Katie is nostalgic as hell. She lives in her memories. I intend to implant myself firmly into them. She’ll see me and feel me every day. She’ll know that I’m thinking about her. Missing her.
And I will make damn sure she’s doing the same about me.
Luke is right. I could hack her without much energy or effort. But I’m not going to—though it is tempting as hell. She doesn’t even know this, but I’ve already linked our phones so I could just press that pesky app and find her right now. I did it after that asshole in Charleston tried shit with her. I did it as a precaution. As a safety measure.
But now? Now I could use it to find my girl.
My girl who doesn’t want to be found.
Nope. I’m not going to give in like that. I’ll give her what she wants with a caveat of my own. If she doesn’t like it, she can change her number.
She won’t.
She loves me. She wants me. She’s just scared of what that means for her and her past.
The text goes through and I smile, tucking my phone into the back pocket of my jeans since I don’t expect her to text back. No, my girl is far too stubborn for that.
“You better not have started without me, dickhead,” I say once I get into my office and find Luke sitting with his computer already set up on his lap, comfortably lounging on the small couch behind the desk against the window.
“Nope.” He looks up at me as I sit in the plush leather office chair, opening my own laptop. “Are we going to tell Tommy about this little infiltration, or just let him sweat about it?”
“As much as I’d love to let him get his panties in a twist, I think after we crack his shit wide open, we should tell him it was us.” Tommy is a mediocre programmer at best. His real talent is having good ideas, but he often relies on others to make them happen.
“You’re the boss, but if you don’t get your ass in motion, I’m going to smoke you in a matter of minutes.”
“Sure you are.” My arrogance is usually well-founded. I’m very good at what I do. It’s why companies from all over the world come to me. Why I never got caught when I did something worthy of getting caught for.
I’m cautious. Quiet and controlled.
And even though companies do come to me, they don’t actually know who I am. I’m a faceless name. And ever since my fuckwit cousin tried to dox me to the cops and the Feds—oh, and blackmail me for my money, can’t forget that—I try to fly even more under the radar.
But my new software is going to change that, and I have to accept it. Get used to it. Maybe even embrace it.
“I’m in,” I exclaim, only to hear Luke hiss out a slew of curses. That distraction lasted all of five minutes.
Great.
But today is the first day in almost a month that I didn’t wake up and see Katie. That I didn’t get to look at her smile and hear her laugh, and see her blue eyes sparkle and light up.
I miss her. I fucking miss her.
It’s amazing how fast it happened.
She became my world overnight, and within a matter of days, it was impossible for me to imagine living without her. But here I am, living that nightmare and not knowing what to do with it.
Empathy can be a real rude awakening, and for the first time, I understand her. Not exactly. I mean, I didn’t lose her completely. She’s not dead, and there is a chance I could see her again. Have her again.
But I can empathize with her inability to let her family go. To believe that they were her entire world and that she can’t go on fully without them.
I get it now, Katie.
I only had her a few weeks.
She’d had Eric for almost fifteen years. Maggie aside, because that’s a pain I pray I never experience, and no one can fully heal from that. But Eric? Yeah, I may be starting to get that a little.
I want my girl back.
I want her to walk into my house and hold her small, curvy body on my lap and kiss the hell out of me until I’m convinced she’s never going to leave me again.
Loss sucks.
Life without Katie sucks.
It’s like all the color that surrounded me these past three weeks has been obliterated. Zapped out, leaving me stuck in varying shades of gray.
Luke and I dick around with Tommy’s stuff for a while, working silently side by side. It’s good. We haven’t done this in years. Not since right after we graduated.
Well, I should say after I graduated.
Luke got kicked out of school, and I hired him once he was let off with a small slap on the wrist. He’s got his own things going on the side, which is fine as long as he doesn’t get nailed for it. I don’t ask and he doesn’t tell, except to swear to me that it’s not illegal.
I’m not sure if I fully believe that, but whatever.
I wonder where she could be, where she decided to go.
Back to San Francisco? I know she loved it there, could see herself living in the city. Maybe she went back to Portland since we skipped over all of that stuff. Maybe she said fuck the West Coast and headed back east.
I really have no clue.
She never mentioned her plans, except to say she wasn’t sure.
The notion that she’s gone forever is more than I can handle. It’s like a sucker punch to the big, gaping hole in my gut. How am I going to sleep without her warm softness beside me tonight?
I can’t believe how much I miss this girl. Every small thing about her.
Dammit, Katie.
That seems to be my new theme. Dammit, Katie.
I knew she’d wreck me, and yet I let her in, so maybe I should be damning myself.
“You’re zoning out.” My head snaps up to see Luke, sipping on a soda that I do not remember him getting, giving me that concerned look. “Stop thinking about her; it’s not going to help. If it’s meant to be she’ll come back to you.”
“Thanks, Dr. Phil, but I don’t remember asking you.” I lean back in my seat, the back of the chair reclining with my weight. “You may think you know what this is like, but that doesn’t really make me feel better, so I’d rather not hear your insights, or commiserate on how we had it perfect once.”
“I don’t remember you being this much of a dick after Francesca kicked you in the balls.”
“That’s because I wasn’t,” I sigh, running a hand through my hair and rubbing my eyes under my glasses. I’m so freaking tempted to hit that button on my phone and see where she is, but I feel like that’s wrong. Like it will only make it worse if I see where she is, accepting that she’s physically somewhere else and not with me.
“I’m going to go heat up some leftovers. You want some?” But the second the words are out of my mouth, I know I cannot eat that food. Katie’s food. “Forget that, I’m going to order a pizza.”
“I’m down for that,” Luke nods, his eyes trained back on his laptop. “
Holy shit,” he laughs out loud and hard. “You’re not going to fucking believe this.”
“What?” I ask, walking over to him, adjusting my glasses so they’re pushed back up my face. “Get the fuck out.” We both look at each other, blinking with our mouths agape.
“Looks like Tommy could be in a lot of trouble.”
I nod. “Looks like it. Do you think he knows this is here?”
“I doubt it. There is no way he’d allow a backdoor in his system.”
“Right. But the real question is, who put it there and who’s accessing it?”
Luke shrugs with a fuck if I know expression. “You need to call his ass, like this second, and I’m going to order the pizza. This could take a while.”
28
Kate
* * *
The beach is as gorgeous as I remember it being. The hotel, just as beautiful. Do I care? Not in the slightest.
I’m miserable.
So miserable I find my pathetic ass waking up crying. I haven’t done this since the months following the accident.
The night I left Ryan, I hadn’t gone to sleep.
After we watched Star Wars, we went to bed, made love, and then he passed out with me wrapped in his arms. It felt like it was exactly how it would be every night for the rest of our lives. But that niggling feeling in the back of my mind, twisting my insides, was still there.
I was restless, and when I got up at four, my instinct was to pack up all of my stuff and go.
So I kissed Ryan goodbye, told him that I loved him, and left.
Dick move? Without a doubt.
But I couldn’t say goodbye to him. I just…couldn’t.
It would have been impossible to look into his eyes and tell him I was leaving. It would have broken me, and I needed this escape. Despite my misery, I know this is how it’s supposed to be. I drove straight to the airport, parked my car in long-term parking, went right into the terminal and bought a one-way ticket to Hawaii. Short of going home—which was not an option for me—this was the closest place I knew I’d be able to feel Eric.
See him again.