Author: Don Marquis
Category: Humorous
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Archy, our cockroach into whose body has migrated the soul of a poet, is thoroughly in sympathy with the efforts of the Simplified Spelling Board.1 As he has to jump on the keys of the typewriter headfirst every time he makes a letter, the fewer the letters the less toll for Archy. He tells us he was a rhymester too before he took to vers libre; and we find on our machine to-day the following expression of his sentiments:
the simplified speling bords stand
4 the shorter and uglier word
they want the old fashund stuf cand
joshbilingsgate2 stuf is preferd
and i in the noshun rejoic
it shud hav bin dun long b4
4 my ego in finding a voic
is making my cranium sor
i find it a heluva strain
2 butt3 in2 yor colum by hek
and i think in the end that my brain
wil telescope in2 my nek
in the small of my bak theres a kink
and the rapid sukseshin of shocks
is putting my chin on the blink
and merging my nees with my hocks
but the thing that most hurts me i swear
is more than a fizical wo
tis the fact that the forid i wear
is becuming uncomonly lo4
i wunc had a brow that was hi
with the thots in it lofty and wide
but now it sags over my eye
and theres nothing important in side
heres luk 2 the simplified bord
may they finish the work theyve begun
my hart with that harts in akord
my mind and thare minds r as 1
APRIL 26
Hell
listen to me i have
been mobbed almost
theres an old simp1 cockroach
here who thinks he has
been to hell and all
the young cockroaches make a
hero out of him and admire
him he sits and runs his front
feet through his long white
beard and tells the story one
day he says he crawled into a yawning
cavern and suddenly came on a
vast abyss full of whirling
smoke there was a light
at the bottom billows
and billows of yellow smoke
swirled up at him and
through the horrid gloom he
saw things with wings flying
and dropping and dying they veered
and fluttered like damned
spirits through that sulphurous mist
listen i says to him
old man youve never been to hell
at all there isn t any hell
transmigration is the game i
used to be a human vers libre
poet and i died and went
into a cockroach s body if
there was a hell id know
it wouldn t i you re
irreligious says the old simp
combing his whiskers excitedly
ancient one i says to him
while all those other
cockroaches gathered into a
ring around us what you
beheld was not hell all that
was natural some one was fumigating
a room and you blundered
into it through a crack
in the wall atheist he cries
and all those young
cockroaches cried atheist
and made for me if it
had not been for freddy
the rat i would now be
on my way once more i mean
killed as a cockroach and transmigrating
into something else well
that old whitebearded devil is
laying for me with his
gang he is jealous
because i took his glory away
from him dont ever tell me
insects are any more liberal
than humans
Archy the cockroach has struck for a raise in salary—he says he wants his stuff printed in minion or brevier, after this, instead of in nonpareil type. We don’t believe in encouraging rebellion. One more murmur out of Archy and he goes into agate.2
MAY 10
Freddy Is No More
listen to me there have
been some doings here since last
i wrote there has been a battle
behind that rusty typewriter cover
in the corner
you remember freddy the rat well
freddy is no more but
he died game the other
day a stranger with a lot of
legs came into our
little circle a tough looking kid
he was with a bad eye
who are you said a thousand legs
if i bite you once
said the stranger you won t ask
again he he little poison tongue said
the thousand legs who gave you hydrophobia
i got it by biting myself said
the stranger i m bad keep away
from me where i step a weed dies
if i was to walk on your forehead it would
raise measles and if
you give me any lip i ll do it
they mixed it then
and the thousand legs succumbed
well we found out this fellow
was a tarantula he had come up from
south america in a bunch of bananas
for days he bossed us life
was not worth living he would stand in
the middle of the floor and taunt
us ha ha he would say where i
step a weed dies do
you want any of my game i was
raised on red pepper and blood i am
so hot if you scratch me i will light
like a match you better
dodge me when i m feeling mean and
i don t feel any other way i was nursed
on a tabasco bottle if i was to slap
your wrist in kindness you
would boil over like job and heaven
help you if i get angry give me
room i feel a wicked spell coming on
last night he made a break at freddy
the rat keep your distance
little one said freddy i m not
feeling well myself somebody poisoned some
cheese for me im as full of
death as a drug store i
feel that i am going to die anyhow
come on little torpedo come on don t stop
to visit and search then they
went at it and both are no more please
throw a late edition on the floor i want to
keep up with china we dropped freddy
off the fire escape into the alley with
military honors
MAY 11
Up or Down the Scale1
there is a good deal
of metaphysical discussion going on
amongst my own little group here
i said freddy the rat was no
more he expired at the moment he
slew that tarantula well he had
once been a human and had
transmigrated into a rat just
as i had transmigrated into a
cockroach the question now
is where will freddy turn up next will
he go up or down the scale and
that has led to the further question as
to what is up and what is down
producing considerable dissension all the
spiders claim they are higher in
the scale than the cockroaches and that
lazy cat mehitabel2 looks on superciliously
as if confident that she has it on
all of us spiritually speaking
well all i have to say is that in
my case a soul got out of a ve
rs libre
bard into a cockroach but i have
known cases which are exactly the
reverse if you get what i mean
not that i would name any names
MAY 23
Raise in Salary
well this goes into
brevier instead of nonpareil
if you keep your promise thank
you for the raise in salary boss
but i find i have not
anything of great moment
to say1 how often that
happens when a man becomes
conspicuous he has used all
his best stuff winning fame in
small type or some other
inconspicuous way and in
poverty and obscurity has put his
soul into his work suddenly fame
and success come and he gets promoted
to big type on account of his
merits and lo and behold his
great thoughts desert him thank you
for the raise i hope the common fate
will not overtake me boss i will
strive to deserve the raise
hereafter
MAY 29
An Easy Mark
listen to me that
fellow who was in to see
you the other day bulling you
about your stuff
is no true friend you got
so proud of yourself on
account of what he
said you gave him a copy
of your book and
autographed it for him i thought
he was a shine so
i hopped into the
cuff of his trousers and
went out with him
he sold that book for
ten cents at a second
hand place and
treated himself to a
drink on the river front
he cursed because if
you had not written your name
in the book he might
have got fifteen cents for
it he said you are an
easy mark
MAY 30
Grind Down the Laboring Man
well i note you
put me back into nonpareil
again monday after raising me
to brevier all right boss
all right grind down
the laboring man there will come
a day of reckoning i don’t have
to do this you know as far
as the food is concerned that
you have been giving me i lived before
i ever got into your column must close now
as mehitabel the cat is
scratching her claws against
the desk in a meaning sort of way
yours hastily
JUNE 8
Just for This, You Go in Agate, Archy
see here boss i am no kicker nor
growler nor do i want more than is coming
to me but after raising me to brevier one
day you slammed me back into nonpareil
again what i want to know is this if you
think the stuff is rotten why do you
use it at all and if you think it is o k
why not give it a show here i am
trying to build up a public for
myself and you too and look at the
appreciation i get all right boss all right
but i warn you that you are queering your
own game i dont ask for brevier this time
but you might at least give me minion if
i make good in minion then raise me think
it over boss think it over i am making no
threats of quitting but you think it over
JUNE 17
Desk All Cleaned Up
well boss now youve got
your desk all cleaned up for the
first time since ive known you what
am i going to do for
a safe retreat in times of dire
need formerly i could crawl under a
bushel of poems and mehitabel the
cat could not find me this
room is as bare as the inside of
a drum you might at
least have left me a tobacco can i
feel as visible as a hyphen and not
half so sure of myself
JUNE 19
Capitals
I THOUGHT THAT SOME HISTORIC DAY
SHIFT KEYS WOULD LOCK IN SUCH A WAY
THAT MY POETIC FEET WOULD FALL
UPON EACH CLICKING CAPITAL
AND NOW FROM KEY TO KEY I CLIMB
TO WRITE MY GRATITUDE IN RHYME
YOU LITTLE KNOW WITH WHAT DELIGHT
THROUGHOUT THE LONG AND LONELY NIGHT
I’VE KICKED AND BUTTED (FOOT AND BEAN)
AGAINST THE KEYS OF YOUR MACHINE
TO TELL THE MOVING TALE OF ALL
THAT TO A COCKROACH MAY BEFALL
INDEED IF I COULD NOT HAVE HAD
SUCH OCCUPATION I’D BE MAD
AH FOR A SOUL LIKE MINE TO DWELL
WITHIN A COCKROACH THAT IS HELL
TO SCURRY FROM THE PLAYFUL CAT
TO DODGE THE INSECT EATING RAT
THE HUNGRY SPIDER TO EVADE
THE MOUSE THAT %)?)) ” ” ” $$$ ( (gee boss
what a jolt that cat mehitabel made
a jump for me
i got away but she unlocked the shift key
it kicked me right into the
mechanism where she
couldn t reach me it
was nearly the death of little
archy that kick spurned me right
out of parnassus1 back into
the vers libre slums i lay
in behind the wires for an hour after
she left before i dared to get
out and finish i hate
cats say boss please lock the shift
key tight some night
i would like to tell the story of
my life all in capital
letters
JUNE 28
Why Not Commit Suicide
well boss from time
to time i just simply
get bored with having
to be a cockroach my
soul my real ego if
you get what i mean is
tired of being shut
up in an insects body the
best you can say for it is that it
is unusual and you could
say as much for mumps so
while feeling gloomy the
other night the thought came
to me why not
go on to the next stage as
soon as possible why not
commit suicide1 and
maybe be reincarnated in
some higher form of life why
not be the captain of my
soul the master of my fate and
the more i pondered over it the
more i was attracted to
the notion well boss you would
be surprised to find
out how hard it is for a
cockroach to commit suicide unless
you have been one
and tried it of course i
could let mehitabel the
cat damage me and die that
way but all my finer sensibilities
revolt at the idea i jumped out
the fourth story window and
a wind caught me and blew
me into the eighth story i
tried to hang myself with a
thread and i am so light i
just swung back and forth and
didnt even choke myself shooting
is out of the question and poison
is not within
my reach i might drown myself
in the ink well but if
you ever got a mouthful of it you
thing no refined person could go
on with boss i am going to
end it all before long and i
want to go easy have you
any suggestion yours
for transmigration
JULY 12
Writing All By Itself
whoever owns the typewriter
that this is sticking in will confer
a favor by mailing it to
mister marquis
well boss i am somewhere in long
island and i know now how
it got its name i
started out to find the
place you are commuting from and
after considerable trouble and being for some
days on the way i have lost myself but
at twilight last evening i
happened to glance towards a lighted
window in a house near the railway and
i saw a young woman writing on a typewriter i
waited until the light was out and crawled
up the side of the house and through a
hole in the screen fortunately there was a
piece of paper in the machine it was my only
chance to communicate with you and ask
you to hurry a relief party when
the house got quiet i began to write
the foregoing a moment ago i was
interrupted by a woman s voice what
was that noise she said nothing at all
said a man s voice you are always
hearing things at night but it
sounded as if my typewriter were clicking she
insisted go to sleep said he then
i clicked it some more henry get up she said
there s some one in the house a moment
later the light was turned on and
they both stood in the doorway of the room now
are you satisfied he said you
see there is no one in here at
all i was hiding in the shadow under the
keys they went back into
their bed room and i began to write
the foregoing lines
henry henry she said do you hear that
i do he says it is nothing but the
house cooling off it always cracks that way
cooling off nothing she said not a