Author: Stephen Leacock
Category: Humorous
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I. WITH A EUROPEAN PRINCE
With any European Prince, travelling in America
On receiving our card the Prince, to our great surprise and pleasure,sent down a most cordial message that he would be delighted to see us atonce. This thrilled us.
"Take us," we said to the elevator boy, "to the apartments of thePrince." We were pleased to see him stagger and lean against his wheelto get his breath back.
In a few moments we found ourselves crossing the threshold of thePrince's apartments. The Prince, who is a charming young man of fromtwenty-six to twenty-seven, came across the floor to meet us with anextended hand and a simple gesture of welcome. We have seldom seenanyone come across the floor more simply.
The Prince, who is travelling incognito as the Count of Flim Flam, waswearing, when we saw him, the plain morning dress of a gentleman ofleisure. We learned that a little earlier he had appeared at breakfastin the costume of a Unitarian clergyman, under the incognito of theBishop of Bongee; while later on he appeared at lunch, as a delicatecompliment to our city, in the costume of a Columbia professor ofYiddish.
The Prince greeted us with the greatest cordiality, seated himself,without the slightest affectation, and motioned to us, withindescribable bonhomie, his permission to remain standing.
"Well," said the Prince, "what is it?"
We need hardly say that the Prince, who is a consummate master of tenlanguages, speaks English quite as fluently as he does Chinese. Indeed,for a moment, we could scarcely tell which he was talking.
"What are your impressions of the United States?" we asked as we tookout our notebook.
"I am afraid," answered the Prince, with the delightful smile which ischaracteristic of him, and which we noticed again and again during theinterview, "that I must scarcely tell you that."
We realized immediately that we were in the presence not only of asoldier but of one of the most consummate diplomats of the present day.
"May we ask then," we resumed, correcting our obvious blunder, "what areyour impressions, Prince, of the Atlantic Ocean?"
"Ah," said the Prince, with that peculiar thoughtfulness which is sonoticeable in him and which we observed not once but several times, "theAtlantic!"
Volumes could not have expressed his thought better.
"Did you," we asked, "see any ice during your passage across?"
"Ah," said the Prince, "ice! Let me think."
We did so.
"Ice," repeated the Prince thoughtfully.
We realized that we were in the presence not only of a soldier, alinguist and a diplomat, but of a trained scientist accustomed to exactresearch.
"Ice!" repeated the Prince. "Did I see any ice? No."
Nothing could have been more decisive, more final than the clear, simplebrevity of the Prince's "No." He had seen no ice. He knew he had seenno ice. He said he had seen no ice. Nothing could have been morestraightforward, more direct. We felt assured from that moment that thePrince had not seen any ice.
The exquisite good taste with which the Prince had answered our questionserved to put us entirely at our ease, and we presently found ourselveschatting with His Highness with the greatest freedom and without theslightest _gene_ or _mauvaise honte_, or, in fact, _malvoisie_ of anykind.
We realized, indeed, that we were in the presence not only of a trainedsoldier, a linguist and a diplomat, but also of a conversationalist ofthe highest order.
His Highness, who has an exquisite sense of humour--indeed, it brokeout again and again during our talk with him--expressed himself as bothamused and perplexed over our American money.
"It is very difficult," he said, "with us it is so simple; six and ahalf groner are equal to one and a third gross-groner or the quarterpart of our Rigsdaler. Here it is so complicated."
We ventured to show the Prince a fifty-cent piece and to explain itsvalue by putting two quarters beside it.
"I see," said the Prince, whose mathematical ability is quiteexceptional, "two twenty-five-cent pieces are equal to one fifty-centpiece. I must try to remember that. Meantime," he added, with a gestureof royal condescension, putting the money in his pocket, "I will keepyour coins as instructors"--we murmured our thanks--"and now explain tome, please, your five-dollar gold piece and your ten-dollar eagle."
We felt it proper, however, to shift the subject, and asked the Prince afew questions in regard to his views on American politics. We soon foundthat His Highness, although this is his first visit to this continent,is a keen student of our institutions and our political life. Indeed,His Altitude showed by his answers to our questions that he is as wellinformed about our politics as we are ourselves. On being asked what heviewed as the uppermost tendency in our political life of to-day, thePrince replied thoughtfully that he didn't know. To our inquiry as towhether in his opinion democracy was moving forward or backward, thePrince, after a moment of reflection, answered that he had no idea. Onour asking which of the generals of our Civil War was regarded in Europeas the greatest strategist, His Highness answered without hesitation,"George Washington."
Before closing our interview the Prince, who, like his illustriousfather, is an enthusiastic sportsman, completely turned the tables on usby inquiring eagerly about the prospects for large game in America.
We told him something--as much as we could recollect--of woodchuckhunting in our own section of the country. The Prince was interested atonce. His eye lighted up, and the peculiar air of fatigue, or languor,which we had thought to remark on his face during our interview, passedentirely off his features. He asked us a number of questions, quicklyand without pausing, with the air, in fact, of a man accustomed tocommand and not to listen. How was the woodchuck hunted? From horsebackor from an elephant? Or from an armoured car, or turret? How manybeaters did one use to beat up the woodchuck? What bearers was itnecessary to carry with one? How great a danger must one face of havingone's beaters killed? What percentage of risk must one be prepared toincur of accidentally shooting one's own beaters? What did a bearercost? and so on.
All these questions we answered as best we could, the Prince apparentlyseizing the gist, or essential part of our answer, before we had saidit.
In concluding the discussion we ventured to ask His Highness for hisautograph. The Prince, who has perhaps a more exquisite sense of humourthan any other sovereign of Europe, declared with a laugh that he had nopen. Still roaring over this inimitable drollery, we begged the Princeto honour us by using our own fountain-pen.
"Is there any ink in it?" asked the Prince--which threw us into arenewed paroxysm of laughter.
The Prince took the pen and very kindly autographed for us sevenphotographs of himself. He offered us more, but we felt that seven wasabout all we could use. We were still suffocated with laughter over thePrince's wit; His Highness was still signing photographs when an equerryappeared and whispered in the Prince's ear. His Highness, with theconsummate tact to be learned only at a court, turned quietly without aword and left the room.
We never, in all our experience, remember seeing a prince--or a mere manfor the matter of that--leave a room with greater suavity, discretion,or aplomb. It was a revelation of breeding, of race, of long slavery tocaste. And yet, with it all, it seemed to have a touch of finality aboutit--a hint that the entire proceeding was deliberate, planned, not to bealtered by circumstance. He did not come back.
We understand that he appeared later in the morning at a civic receptionin the costume of an Alpine Jaeger, and attended the matinee in thedress of a lieutenant of police.
Meantime he has our pen. If he turns up in any costume that we can spotat sight, we shall ask him for it.