Author: Stephen Leacock
Category: Humorous
Go to read content：https://onlinereadfreenovel.com/stephen-leacock/page,10,9913-frenzied_fiction.html
III WITH OUR GREATEST SCIENTIST
As seen in any of our College Laboratories
It was among the retorts and test-tubes of his physical laboratorythat we were privileged to interview the Great Scientist. His back wastowards us when we entered. With characteristic modesty he kept it sofor some time after our entry. Even when he turned round and saw us hisface did not react off us as we should have expected.
He seemed to look at us, if such a thing were possible, without seeingus, or, at least, without wishing to see us.
We handed him our card.
He took it, read it, dropped it in a bowlful of sulphuric acid and then,with a quiet gesture of satisfaction, turned again to his work.
We sat for some time behind him. "This, then," we thought to ourselves(we always think to ourselves when we are left alone), "is the man, orrather is the back of the man, who has done more" (here we consultedthe notes given us by our editor), "to revolutionize our conception ofatomic dynamics than the back of any other man."
Presently the Great Scientist turned towards us with a sigh that seemedto our ears to have a note of weariness in it. Something, we felt, mustbe making him tired.
"What can I do for you?" he said.
"Professor," we answered, "we have called upon you in response to anoverwhelming demand on the part of the public--"
The Great Scientist nodded.
"To learn something of your new researches and discoveries in" (herewe consulted a minute card which we carried in our pocket) "inradio-active-emanations which are already becoming" (we consulted ourcard again) "a household word--"
The Professor raised his hand as if to check us.
"I would rather say," he murmured, "helio-radio-active--"
"So would we," we admitted, "much rather--"
"After all," said the Great Scientist, "helium shares in the mostintimate degree the properties of radium. So, too, for the matter ofthat," he added in afterthought, "do thorium, and borium!"
"Even borium!" we exclaimed, delighted, and writing rapidly in ournotebook. Already we saw ourselves writing up as our headline _BoriumShares Properties of Thorium_.
"Just what is it," said the Great Scientist, "that you want to know?"
"Professor," we answered, "what our journal wants is a plain and simpleexplanation, so clear that even our readers can understand it, of thenew scientific discoveries in radium. We understand that you possess,more than any other man, the gift of clear and lucid thought--"
The Professor nodded.
"And that you are able to express yourself with greater simplicity thanany two men now lecturing."
The Professor nodded again.
"Now, then," we said, spreading our notes on our knee, "go at it. Tellus, and, through us, tell a quarter of a million anxious readers justwhat all these new discoveries are about."
"The whole thing," said the Professor, warming up to his work ashe perceived from the motions of our face and ears our intelligentinterest, "is simplicity itself. I can give it to you in a word--"
"That's it," we said. "Give it to us that way."
"It amounts, if one may boil it down into a phrase--"
"Boil it, boil it," we interrupted.
"Amounts, if one takes the mere gist of it--"
"Take it," we said, "take it."
"Amounts to the resolution of the ultimate atom."
"Ha!" we exclaimed.
"I must ask you first to clear your mind," the Professor continued, "ofall conception of ponderable magnitude."
We nodded. We had already cleared our mind of this.
"In fact," added the Professor, with what we thought a quiet note ofwarning in his voice, "I need hardly tell you that what we are dealingwith must be regarded as altogether ultramicroscopic."
We hastened to assure the Professor that, in accordance with the highstandards of honour represented by our journal, we should of courseregard anything that he might say as ultramicroscopic and treat itaccordingly.
"You say, then," we continued, "that the essence of the problem is theresolution of the atom. Do you think you can give us any idea of whatthe atom is?"
The Professor looked at us searchingly.
We looked back at him, openly and frankly. The moment was critical forour interview. Could he do it? Were we the kind of person that he couldgive it to? Could we get it if he did?
"I think I can," he said. "Let us begin with the assumption that theatom is an infinitesimal magnitude. Very good. Let us grant, then,that though it is imponderable and indivisible it must have a spacialcontent? You grant me this?"
"We do," we said, "we do more than this, we _give_ it to you."
"Very well. If spacial, it must have dimension: if dimension--form. Letus assume _ex hypothesi_ the form to be that of a spheroid and see whereit leads us."
The Professor was now intensely interested. He walked to and fro in hislaboratory. His features worked with excitement. We worked ours, too, assympathetically as we could.
"There is no other possible method in inductive science," he added,"than to embrace some hypothesis, the most attractive that one can find,and remain with it--"
We nodded. Even in our own humble life after our day's work we had foundthis true.
"Now," said the Professor, planting himself squarely in front of us,"assuming a spherical form, and a spacial content, assuming the dynamicforces that are familiar to us and assuming--the thing is bold, Iadmit--"
We looked as bold as we could.
"Assuming that the _ions_, or _nuclei_ of the atom--I know no betterword--"
"Neither do we," we said.
"That the nuclei move under the energy of such forces, what have wegot?"
"Ha!" we said.
"What have we got? Why, the simplest matter conceivable. The forcesinside our atom--itself, mind you, the function of a circle--markthat--"
We did.
"Becomes merely a function of pi!"
The Great Scientist paused with a laugh of triumph.
"A function of pi!" we repeated in delight.
"Precisely. Our conception of ultimate matter is reduced to that of anoblate spheroid described by the revolution of an ellipse on its ownminor axis!"
"Good heavens!" we said. "Merely that."
"Nothing else. And in that case any further calculation becomes a merematter of the extraction of a root."
"How simple," we murmured.
"Is it not," said the Professor. "In fact, I am accustomed, in talkingto my class, to give them a very clear idea, by simply taking as ourroot F--F being any finite constant--"
He looked at us sharply. We nodded.
"And raising F to the log of infinity. I find they apprehend it veryreadily."
"Do they?" we murmured. Ourselves we felt as if the Log of Infinitycarried us to ground higher than what we commonly care to tread on.
"Of course," said the Professor, "the Log of Infinity is an Unknown."
"Of course," we said very gravely. We felt ourselves here in thepresence of something that demanded our reverence.
"But still," continued the Professor almost jauntily, "we can handle theUnknown just as easily as anything else."
This puzzled us. We kept silent. We thought it wiser to move on to moregeneral ground. In any case, our notes were now nearly complete.
"These discoveries, then," we said, "are absolutely revolutionary."
"They are," said the Professor.
"You have now, as we understand, got the atom--how shall we put it?--gotit where you want it."
"Not exactly," said the Professor with a sad smile.
"What do you mean?" we asked.
"Unfortunately our analysis, perfect though it is, stops short. We haveno synthesis."
The Professor spoke as in deep sorrow.
"No synthesis," we moaned. We felt it was a cruel blow. But in any caseour notes were now elaborate enough. We felt that our readers could dowithout a synthesis. We rose to go.
"Synthetic dynamic
s," said the Professor, taking us by the coat, "isonly beginning--"
"In that case--" we murmured, disengaging his hand.
"But, wait, wait," he pleaded "wait for another fifty years--"
"We will," we said very earnestly. "But meantime as our paper goes topress this afternoon we must go now. In fifty years we will come back."
"Oh, I see, I see," said the Professor, "you are writing all this for anewspaper. I see."
"Yes," we said, "we mentioned that at the beginning."
"Ah," said the Professor, "did you? Very possibly. Yes."
"We propose," we said, "to feature the article for next Saturday."
"Will it be long?" he asked.
"About two columns," we answered.
"And how much," said the Professor in a hesitating way, "do I have topay you to put it in?"
"How much which?" we asked.
"How much do I have to pay?"
"Why, Professor--" we began quickly. Then we checked ourselves. Afterall was it right to undeceive him, this quiet, absorbed man of sciencewith his ideals, his atoms and his emanations. No, a hundred times no.Let him pay a hundred times.
"It will cost you," we said very firmly, "ten dollars."
The Professor began groping among his apparatus. We knew that he waslooking for his purse.
"We should like also very much," we said, "to insert your picture alongwith the article--"
"Would that cost much?" he asked.
"No, that is only five dollars."
The Professor had meantime found his purse.
"Would it be all right," he began, "that is, would you mind if I pay youthe money now? I am apt to forget."
"Quite all right," we answered. We said good-bye very gently and passedout. We felt somehow as if we had touched a higher life. "Such,"we murmured, as we looked about the ancient campus, "are the men ofscience: are there, perhaps, any others of them round this morning thatwe might interview?"