Author: L A Cotton
Category: Contemporary
Go to read content：https://onlinereadfreenovel.com/l-a-cotton/page,17,592781-tragic_lies_a_forbidden_age-gap_romance_rixon_high.html
I’d never had anything that was just mine. Usually, I sabotage everything good in my life because I didn’t know how to do… this. I didn’t know how to let someone in.
But Peyton was different. She knew what it was like to grow up feeling alone in the world, to feel abandoned. Peyton knew… when so many didn’t.
Our stories weren’t the same, but our souls, our souls were.
“What are you thinking?” I asked her, my fingers still toying with the ends of her hair.
“You were right.” She let out a heavy sigh, staring at a spot on the wall. “That night you found me, I think there was a part of me that just wanted it all to stop. I think there was part of me that wanted it…” Slowly, her eyes lifted to mine, filled with so much anguish the air whooshed from my lungs.
A part of me had known the truth but hearing her admit it was gutting.
“Do you still feel like that?”
“No… I mean, I’m not suicidal, Xander. That’s not what this is. But in that moment, I just wanted… I wanted to un-exist.”
“Come here.” I tugged her braid gently and she shuffled closer, burying herself into my side. I slipped my arm around her shoulder and held her tightly. “If you ever feel like that—”
“I don’t. Not like that night. But sometimes things build up inside me and it feels like I might explode.” She pressed a hand to my chest and peeked up at me. “I cut myself.”
“What?” It came out harsh, her confession shredding something deep inside me.
She flinched. “It was only once…” Panic etched into her expression. “I-I needed to know what it felt like. What she felt… I needed to understand.”
“Peyton, that’s…” I didn’t know what the hell it was. But it didn’t sound good.
“I haven’t done it again. I felt… God, I felt so ashamed afterward. But there was something else. This… this great sense of relief. Like all the pent-up frustration and emotion had a way out.” Tears collected in the corner of her eyes. “I can understand how people chase that feeling again and again.”
“I’m glad you told me.” Without thinking, I curved my arm around her neck and pulled her closer, dropping a kiss on her head. “But I think you need to talk to someone, a professional…”
“Yeah, I think you’re right.”
“Yeah?” I jerked back.
“Yeah. I wasn’t ready before… but I think I’m ready now.”
I leaned down, touching my head to hers. “You’ve got so much to live for, Peyton.”
“Yeah?” She curled her hand into my sweater, anchoring us together. Her vanilla lip balm taunted me as the air turned thick around us.
“Peyton,” I whispered, “this is a bad idea.”
“A terrible idea.” Her mouth curved as she moved closer, ghosting her mouth over the corner of mine.
“If I kiss you—”
“You don’t have to kiss me,” she said, sliding her hand to my jaw and pressing a finger against my lips. My body was a tightly coiled spring, rigid beside her. If she kissed me…
Fuck.
My control was slipping. Her scent, her silky blonde hair brushing my cheek, her fingers twisted into my sweater… I was barely holding on. Yet, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do the right thing. Ensnared by her words, her touch.
“Peyton…” It came out ragged as I tried to drag air into my lungs. My tongue darted out to wet my lips, catching the tip of her finger. She smothered a moan, her eyes growing hooded as her gaze darted from my mouth to my eyes and back again.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Heat curled down my spine, a direct line to my dick which strained behind my jeans, desperate to feel her.
I was in so much fucking trouble.
“I just want to try something,” she said, her eyes alight with mischief.
Gingerly, she rose up on her knees and straddled my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. I didn’t move. I didn’t dare breathe. Watching as she settled on me and leaned back in to touch her head to mine. Her fingers toyed with the ends of my hair, the way I had done earlier with her braid.
“Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Laughter rumbled in my chest as I choked out, “I can’t believe you just said that.” My arm curled around her waist, pulling her closer. Peyton’s lips parted on a gasp.
“That’s… better.” She smothered a giggle.
“Stop,” I chuckled again, dipping my head, I pressed a kiss to her collarbone. “You don’t need to be nervous with me.”
“You have met you, right?”
Lifting my face, I grinned. “I am pretty awesome.”
“And vain apparently.” She rolled her eyes. “But seriously, is this okay? Because I kind of got the impression you didn’t want to—”
“Stop.” My finger on her lips cut her off. “If I didn’t want this to happen, it wouldn’t be happening.” Like I had any control over myself around her.
It should never have gotten this far… yet here we were, on the precipice of something.
Something I didn’t want to overanalyze.
“You still haven’t kissed me,” she teased, brushing her nose along my cheek, chasing it with her lips.
“Maybe I’m waiting for the right time,” I said.
“You mean until I’m eighteen?”
“Peyton, a few days isn’t going to change how I feel about you.” I gave her a pointed look, but she was staring at me with eyes brimming with confusion.
“How you feel about me?”
“You think I make a habit of bringing women back here for takeout in the middle of the afternoon?”
“You mean, you don’t?” She gave me a shy smile.
“I think you know the answer to that.”
“Maybe.” Peyton pressed her lips together. “I didn’t expect… this. I used to watch you at practice, you know. I used to joke with Lily about you… but I didn’t think… I never thought that I’d be here now.”
“That night changed things.” I realized that now.
I’d never looked twice at Peyton before that night. And I’d tried really fucking hard to forget all about her. But I knew enough about trauma to know it bonded some people. I’d been there that night. I’d watched her wade into the river. I would never forget that.
“What?” Peyton searched my eyes. When I didn’t reply, she added, “You just went rigid. What are you thinking?”
“About that night—”
“Please, can we not…? I already told you I’ll talk to someone.”
“I will never forget that night, Peyton.” I brushed the stray hairs from her face.
I didn’t know if it was the realization that if I hadn’t stumbled across her that night things could have ended very differently; the overwhelming connection I felt as she gazed at me when I dragged her from the water; or the knowledge that life was too precious, too short and expendable. But I knew if I didn’t kiss her right here, right in this very moment, I would regret it.
The second our lips touched, all the doubts melted away. We weren’t two people separated by age and society’s rules, we were two people bound by grief and trauma and a connection that couldn’t be denied.
Peyton whimpered as I slid my hand into her hair and deepened the kiss, curling my tongue around hers. “Xander,” she breathed, rolling her hips against me.
Fuck, she felt good.
Too good.
It would be so easy to lose myself in her.
She rolled her hips again, and a groan crawled up my throat. “Peyton, stop.” My hands left her hair, stilling on her hips. “We have to stop.”
But I was still kissing her, still tracing my lips over her jaw and down the slope of her neck as she rocked against me, clutching my sweater as if she didn’t want to let go.
“Peyton,” I choked out. “We have to slow this down…” We have to stop.
Rigid, she eased back to look at me. Her skin was flushed, her eyes glittering with hunger. Fuck
me, she looked beautiful.
A small, uncertain smile played on her lips. “I like kissing you,” she said.
I like it too. The words teetered on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed them down. “We have time,” I said, inhaling a ragged breath.
She stared at me, the desire in her eyes dimming a little. “Do we? Because I feel like this is a dream… and when I wake up, you’ll go back to avoiding me.”
My jaw clenched as I tried to get a hold on the need coursing through my veins. “It won’t be like that. Not this time. I promise.”
I needed to figure out how to navigate this while causing the least amount of damage. Because this—her and me—it was happening. But I knew it wouldn’t be easy.
I ran my thumb over her jaw and her eyes fluttered. “Don’t break my heart, Xander,” she whispered, her eyes fixed right on me. “I’m not sure I’ll survive it.”
Chapter Nineteen
Peyton
Xander didn’t give me a ride back to the Ford’s. I wanted to walk. I needed space to think, to process everything that had happened.
He didn’t like the idea of me walking across town, but I’d insisted. Besides, it wasn’t like he could deliver me to their doorstep without an explanation. One I knew neither of us had right now.
There had been no more kissing or touching or holding one another, and for as disappointed as I was, I couldn’t deny part of me was relieved. Because kissing Xander… it had been completely overwhelming. Even as the cold air brushed my face, I could still feel the warmth of his mouth against mine, taste him on my tongue.
I burrowed into my coat, trying to protect myself as much as I could from the bitter wind. Lily had called twice since her text. She was worried and I knew she had questions. Questions I didn’t want to answer.
Questions I couldn’t answer.
Because this thing between Xander and I, it had to remain a secret. The second it became public, it would implode. And I refused to let that happen, not when it was so new and fragile.
He’d kissed me.
Xander Chase had kissed me with such intensity I was pretty sure he’d ruined me for all other kisses.
I touched a finger to my lips, smiling like a fool as I crossed the street into the Ford’s neighborhood. We hadn’t talked about what the kiss meant or what it didn’t mean but I knew something had changed between us.
But my bubble burst the second I stepped foot in the Ford’s house though.
“Peyton, in the kitchen, please.” Felicity called.
The hairs along the back of my neck stood to attention as I slipped off my fur-lined boots and went into the kitchen. Lily and Poppy were seated at the breakfast counter, both wearing grim expressions.
“Is everything okay?” My skin vibrated. Did she know where I’d been? Had they somehow found out about Xander?
Panic welled inside me.
“Why don’t you take a seat, sweetheart.”
Sweetheart was good. It was a pet name. She wouldn’t be calling me sweetheart if she was about to reprimand me.
“Okay, guys, you’re starting to scare me.” Strangled laughter bubbled up my throat.
“Principal Kiln called. You skipped class this afternoon?”
“Yeah, but I can explain…” I started. “I had a moment and needed to get out of there.”
“You didn’t think to go to Mya’s office or ask to see the school nurse?”
“I wasn’t exactly thinking straight.”
“Principal Kiln is concerned,” her eyes crinkled with concern. “He said there was a fight…”
“It was nothing.” I cast Lily a ‘help me’ look, but she only mouthed, “I’m sorry.”
“I know things have been hard, Peyton, but we can’t help you if you don’t talk to us. If you’re finding school difficult—”
“I’m not.”
“So what happened? Walking out in the middle of the day isn’t like you, Peyton, and we can’t just let it slide because—”
“I’m sorry, okay. Some girls were saying some things and I let it get to me. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, but I couldn’t be there. So I left. I told Lily I was okay.”
“Girls?” Lily finally spoke up. “What girls?” There was a protective edge to her words, and pride blossomed inside me.
There had been a time our roles were reversed; when I’d defended Lily from the mean girls and vipers of Rixon High. She’d come such a long way.
But still, I said, “It doesn’t matter.” Because I didn’t need her or anyone else fighting my battles.
Besides, it wasn’t even really about them… it was how the small things added up. It was how the halls at school felt too small suddenly. How I’d be sitting there in class and then the image of my mom’s bloody, lifeless body would fill my head.
For the first time in a long time, I wasn’t in control of my emotions. That was the issue.
Lily and her mom watched me quietly, studying me like I was a puzzle they needed to solve.
Inhaling a deep breath, I finally lifted my gaze to Felicity and said, “I think I’m ready to talk to someone… about everything.”
A slow smile tugged at her mouth as relief washed over her. “I think that would be a really good thing, sweetheart.”
Friday morning at school, I felt… different. There had been a time school had been my savior, a chance to escape my shitty life and be a regular teenage girl. But after everything, I realized I wasn’t a regular teenage girl.
I never had been.
Most girls my age were worrying about college applications and making plans for graduation and the summer beyond that. I was worrying about how I was going to afford to survive.
The Ford’s had been great, but I couldn’t stay with them forever. And come summer, Lily would be going off to college. No, staying with them long-term wasn’t an option. Which meant I needed money.
I needed a plan.
And the more I thought about it, the more I realized sticking around to graduate high school next May was only going to delay the inevitable.
But I needed to know if the alternative was even viable. Which is why I headed straight for Mrs. Bennet’s office.
“Come in,” she called as I rapped my knuckles on the door.
“Hey, I was wondering if we can talk.”
Smiling warmly, she beckoned me inside. “Peyton, how are you?”
“I’m okay.”
“I’m glad you decided to stop by. I’ve been worried about you.”
“Actually, I didn’t come to talk about… what happened.”
“You didn’t?” She sat back in her chair, waiting.
“I… what would it take for me to graduate early?”
“Graduate early? Where is this coming from, Peyton?”
“I have nothing, Mrs. B. No home, no family… no money.”
“Sweetheart, that isn’t true.” The sympathy in her eyes was almost too much to bear. “You have your friends, and Jason and Felicity. You have a home with them.”
“And I’m grateful. I’m so grateful for everything they have done for me. But it’s not a long-term solution.”
“What about college? You can apply for financial aid—”
“With all due respect, Mrs. B, we both know college is out of the question given my current situation.”
“I disagree. If you want something badly enough nothing is out of reach, Peyton.”
My mind flickered to Xander, and I wondered if she would say the same thing if she knew how much I wanted him.
“I can’t think about college right now,” I said. “Not while I have bigger things to deal with.” Like my immediate future.
“Have you talked to Jason and Felicity about this?”
“Not yet. I wanted to make sure I knew my options first. I’m eighteen next week. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. I need to know that if my circumstances change again, I can support myself.”
Her eyes widened with understanding. “You’
re worried you might end up alone again?”
“I have to be realistic. Lily’s family did an amazing thing taking me in, but I’m not their responsibility. And this is just something I need to do. If I graduate early, I can get a full-time job. I can save some money.”
Mrs. Bennet ran a hand over her tight spiral curls. Even in her mid-forties, Sofia’s mom was stunning. It was hardly a surprise some of the guys at school had a crush on her.
“You’re serious about this?”
“I am.”
“I’ll make some inquiries. It’s not something the school board typically approves, but you make a compelling case.”
“Really?” Disbelief coated my words. “You’re not going to try to talk me out of it?”
“You’re a good student, Peyton, with a good GPA. Of course you’d need to have the right number of credits, but we can figure that out.”
“Thank you, thank you.” I couldn’t believe how easy it had been to convince her.
“Believe it or not, I am on your side.” She gave me another warm smile. “And I understand your situation more than you think. I admire your resolve and strength. You’re a bright girl with a bright future ahead of you. Don’t ever forget that.”
A tidal wave of emotion rose up inside me and I bit back the tears. I’d never grown up with that kind of praise and reassurance. My mom had never showered me with love or positive affirmations or pride. I was only ever a burden… a nuisance.
“Thank you,” the words came out thick, “that means a lot.”
“All I ask is that you remember it’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to accept help. Once we know if graduating early is a viable option, talk to Jason and Felicity. This isn’t a decision you should make alone.”
“I will, I promise.” I got up to leave, but she wasn’t done.
“Felicity called me last night. She said you’re ready to talk to someone.”
I wasn’t surprised. They were best friends. It was a strange dynamic. Lily and Poppy’s dad was the football coach, and Sofia and Aaron’s mom was the school guidance counselor. They were all friends long before they started working at Rixon High.