Author: Anna Martin
Category: LGBT
Go to read content：https://onlinereadfreenovel.com/anna-martin/page,12,529683-the_lost_boy.html
“If you want to talk, I’m here,” Ben said quietly. Then he stopped talking. For a long time.
Stan didn’t hear the front door close again, so he knew Tone was still around somewhere. His bedroom was on the first floor, but he’d never spent much time in there. Tone was a social being, so he was always in the recording studio or the kitchen or the living room.
After he’d first moved in here, Stan had taken over as the unofficial marketing manager for the band, as well as picking up freelance fashion journalism jobs. Tone had set up Stan’s “office” in the corner of the kitchen so he was always as much a part of everything as the rest of the band. He was sweet, like that.
After a while, Ben fell asleep. Stan was still too wound up to do the same, but he was quite content to watch Ben doze. It was almost better. This way, Ben wasn’t looking at him like he expected Stan to fall apart at any moment.
Stan wanted to get up and sneak Hades back to the bedside table, just in case Ben woke up and asked Stan why he was holding him. He’d managed to keep it under the blankets so far. It was warm up here with the sun coming in through the skylights.
Ben started to snore, which startled him awake. He did a double take when he saw Stan curled up next to him, then visibly shook himself. Stan didn’t say anything. Even though he was feeling better, he still wasn’t ready to talk about it.
“Spent a lot of time thinking about what it would be like to wake up to your face,” Ben said. His voice was a little rough. Stan reached out and touched his cheek.
“Yeah.”
“Can I kiss you?”
It touched a little part of Stan’s heart that Ben asked. But he still shook his head. “Not right now.”
“Okay.”
“I know I’m being ridiculous. But if you start kissing me I might just have a full meltdown.”
“You’re not being ridiculous at all.”
Ben rubbed his hands viciously over his face and hair, upsetting the bird’s nest mess that his hair had turned into. He’d made more of an effort with his appearance since he’d gotten his hair cut, and he was starting to look like the Ben that Stan remembered.
“How do you feel about moving back here?” Stan asked.
Ben shrugged. “I talked to Greg about it.”
“What did he say?”
“He thinks that I’m probably not ready to live on my own again. I think I agree with him.”
Stan hummed. “Me too.”
“But this place… this fucking place.”
“We had a lot of good times here,” Stan said, reaching out and taking Ben’s hand so he could thread their fingers together.
“I barely came back again after you moved out. I bought the flat on the other side of the park and moved all my stuff in there, then I never actually got to live in the damn place before we relocated over to LA to make the second album.”
“You could buy somewhere new again. A fresh start.”
Ben nodded. “I want that. I do. But I want to buy the right place, you know? Not just another flat that’s convenient for what I need right now. I haven’t been able to make plans for more than about three days in advance for years. Years. Wherever I live next, I want it to be somewhere I can put down roots.”
“That sounds nice.”
“So… in the meantime I guess coming back here is as good an option as any.”
“You know I’m not kicking you out of the flat, right?” Stan turned their hands over and rubbed his thumb over Ben’s wrist. “If you want to stay, you can.”
“Thanks,” Ben murmured. “That was actually something else I spoke to Greg about. Maybe, if you like, we could date properly. Planned things, you know? Instead of living on top of each other. I could take you out places.”
“I like the sound of that,” Stan said, smiling and feeling it.
Ben nodded solemnly, but Stan felt better about things now. Ben was looking forward, and that had to mean something.
Ben sighed heavily. “I’m sure Sherrie will have spoken to Geordie by now. So they’ll know I’m here.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“Dunno, really.” Ben stared at Stan for a long minute. “I’m going to call them.”
“Okay.” Stan fought to keep his voice neutral, even though he wanted to dance for joy. This was such a big step for Ben.
“It’s almost nine in the morning there,” Ben said, checking his phone. “Someone should be up, right?”
He tapped out a text, then started to chew his lip as he turned his phone over and over in his hands. Tone came back upstairs a few minutes later.
“I didn’t even know you were still in that group chat,” Tone said. He was grinning. “It’s good to see you there.”
Ben huffed a laugh. “They’re probably all still asleep.”
Tone and Ben’s phones both buzzed at the same time.
“You want me to go?” Stan asked.
Ben shook his head vehemently. “No.”
Tone went to the TV and fiddled around with the wires coming out of the back of it, and a moment later his phone screen was showing on the TV screen. They were going to video call. Oh God.
“I’m going to move,” Stan murmured.
Ben was frowning like he wanted to say something about that, but he let Stan slip away with the blanket. Stan went and put Hades back on the table, then took the one armchair that wasn’t in sight of the TV and its webcam.
Tone took the space that Stan had just vacated, and then the other three members of Ares appeared on the screen.
“Hello, you bunch of wankers,” Tone said jovially. “I’ve missed looking at your fuck-ugly faces.”
“Hello to you too, you prick. Do you know how early it is here?” Geordie grouched.
“Stan’s here,” Ben said in response, looking over at him.
“Hi Stan,” Summer called. He leaned over to wave at them quickly, then retreated to the armchair so he could gnaw on his cuticles and watch.
Chapter Fourteen
Ben was pretty sure it was his turn to have a breakdown. These were his best friends, God damn it, but everything was still so fucked-up, and he really wasn’t prepared to face the music.
Ha.
“You look good, Ben,” Summer said. She looked better. Like not having to deal with the stress of Ben had actually been good for her. That was probably accurate.
“You too,” he mumbled.
“How’s it going, mate?” Geordie asked.
Ben forced himself to make eye contact with him. “Better,” he admitted. “I think I’m getting better. I’m going to a therapist.”
He watched as Jez’s eyebrows shot up. “Okay. Great,” he said.
They were all sitting around someone’s phone in the kitchen, with the LA sunshine pouring in through the huge windows. The kitchen was always beautiful first thing in the morning during the summer. Ben wished he’d appreciated it more when he was there.
“I spoke to my mum,” Geordie said. “She said you might be moving back into the house?”
“We’re here now,” Ben said. “We’ve been living at Stan’s flat, though.”
“We decided to give Stan his space back,” Tone said diplomatically.
“That’s good,” Geordie said.
Ben couldn’t quite read the mood of his three friends over the video. The call was a fairly good quality, but they were all being very guarded. Not like they normally were.
“How’s the album going?” he asked.
“It’s great,” Jez said. He was always going to be the one who would be the most straight with Ben. He’d never had much time for Ben’s bullshit. “We got a producer to mess with it to give us an idea of how it might sound when it’s finished. Summer’s done some of the vocals.”
“Just to try them out,” she added quickly.
“No, that’s good,” Ben said. “We were always going to get you to take the lead on a few of the songs.”
She nodded, clearly relieved.
Ben took
a deep breath. “I want to help. Finish it. If you want me to help.”
He could practically see the relief flow off all three of them.
“That’s fucking amazing,” Geordie said. “Fucking hell, man.”
Ben grinned, but then his smile faded. “I don’t think I can come back to LA, though. I’m sorry. Things are better now I’m here, and I don’t want to fuck it up, and—”
“That’s fine,” Summer said quickly. “There’s fucking recording studios in London, Ben.”
“We can make some calls,” Jez said, looking over at Geordie. “We kind of mentioned to Melissa that you might be recording your part in London, and she was okay with that.”
“Thanks,” Ben said.
Where no one else could see, Tone squeezed his arm reassuringly.
“Look, we’re going to need to figure a few things out,” Jez said. “It might not be right away, but leave it with us, yeah? We’ll let you know when we’ve spoken to Melissa and see what the situation is.”
“Okay.” Ben nodded.
“Love you, Ben,” Summer said and blew him kisses. That made him laugh.
“I love you too,” he murmured. “Speak to you soon, yeah?”
Tone disconnected the call, and Ben flopped back onto the sofa, covering his face with his hands.
“Fucking hell.”
“I told you you should have just spoken to them, you wanker,” Tone said.
“Yeah. You were right. As always.”
Tone squeezed his shoulder as he left the room, taking his phone with him. That left Stan sitting in the chair, looking at him with an expression he couldn’t read.
“Are you okay?” Stan asked.
Ben nodded. “I think so.”
Stan got up and came over to sit on Ben’s lap, his bum one side and legs the other so Ben could wrap his arms around him. Just being able to hold him like this settled something in Ben’s chest. He pressed his face to Stan’s hair and breathed him in.
He didn’t know how to define his relationship with Stan. Ex-boyfriend didn’t seem right when they were dating again, even if that was a horrible word that didn’t accurately describe what they were doing. Stan was the love of Ben’s life, the light in his darkness, the one person who Ben had never forgotten. Memories of being with Stan had been buried deep and rarely examined. For a long time, Ben wasn’t able to face what he’d lost.
Right now, none of that seemed to matter. Ben liked that they weren’t pushing anything. Even though they’d kissed a couple of times, things had stayed fairly innocent between them. They were never going to jump right back into sleeping together. Though Ben would be lying if he said he didn’t want that.
He’d always known what they shared was special. He’d had relationships before Stan and since they broke up, so he was able to frame what they’d had together in the context of other people. There were very few other people in the world with the same light and joy inside them that Stan had. Sometimes Ben felt like he was basking in the glow of being close to Stan, like just the proximity to him made him a better person.
Ben didn’t have many possessions, so it only took one trip in a taxi to get them from Stan’s flat to the house. Everything he owned in London fit into an aeroplane cabin-sized suitcase and one black bin bag, which was fucking depressing. The rest of his shit was back in LA, and Ben wasn’t even really sure if he wanted any of it. There was something strangely freeing about being rid of all of it. Ben unpacked everything by chucking all of his clothes on the sofa and taking his guitar downstairs, then shut the bedroom door.
Even though his crap was in his bedroom, he didn’t sleep in there. Ben kind of understood why Stan had had something of a meltdown just from being in the room. At this point, there was no way to extract memories of living with Stan from the few memories he had of being in that room there on his own. Probably because he’d only been there on his own a handful of times after he broke up with Stan, and most of those times he’d been off his face on drugs.
Ben was still coming to terms with how many of his memories of the past five years were tarnished by drugs. And those were the things he could actively remember. A lot had been lost.
Instead of sleeping in his bed in his bedroom with all the bad memories, Ben was sleeping in Tone’s bed. With Tone. It was a testament to their friendship that Ben could just get into bed with Tone, and Tone would roll over to make room for him and say absolutely nothing about it, either in the moment or afterwards.
They kept that going for over a week.
Ben treasured this friendship more than his own life, at times.
He started having a look around the London housing market to try and figure out what he actually wanted, for when he was ready to buy someplace of his own. Ben knew he didn’t want to move out of this area. Camden had felt like home for a long time and he already knew he would feel out of place living anywhere else in London. And wasn’t that the point of coming back here? He wanted to be somewhere that felt like home.
The house felt too big for the two of them, and it was a relief to know that the others would be heading back to London soon. As much as there was bad blood between them at the moment, he needed to see them. The bond between the five of them had only grown in the past few years, and they really were more like siblings than friends these days. Ben had exploited that relationship in the past, knowing that they would be there for him, no matter what terrible things he’d done. He was closer to them than he was his actual siblings, or his parents, for that matter. They’d cultivated a very specific bubble that contained the five of them with their music.
Other people formed an important protective barrier around them. Sherrie, for one, who was a fierce mother figure. Stan at one point had held an almost sacred spot in the dynamics of the band.
No other girlfriend or boyfriend had managed to infiltrate the same way Stan had. These days, Summer and Geordie were an old married couple, even if they had hidden their relationship from the press for years. Jez didn’t date. He’d never slapped a label on himself, but Ben had heard the term a-romantic from him when they were all high once, and that seemed to make sense. Tone… well, Ben was pretty sure he was still grieving for his girlfriend who had died more than a decade ago. His relationships never lasted long.
Their wariness of outsiders in the early years had protected them from a lot of people who wanted to exploit them, to use their faces to sell fizzy drinks and clothes and toothpaste, and whatever else they were supposed to endorse. They’d developed a reputation as being a band who couldn’t be bought for shit like that. Ben thought that had probably contributed to the vibe of authenticity they’d had right at the beginning of their career. Fans knew there wasn’t anything driving Ares’s music except Ares. In the world of manufactured, mass-produced music, that had mattered.
That was before it all went to hell, though.
Now that Stan was back on the scene, Ben wasn’t sure how the others would handle it. Stan had been important to them too, back in the day, but it had been a long time since he was part of their inner circle.
A lot of things had fallen apart in rapid succession after Stan left, and even though the others knew Stan wasn’t responsible for that, it was hard to divorce the action from the consequences. Hell, Ben found it hard to mentally separate it all sometimes.
Now that things were changing again, Ben wondered if his relationship with the rest of the band would change again too. He’d be best friends with Tone forever, Ben was sure about that. But Jez was pissed off at him in a way Ben knew was going to be hard to resolve. And he’d hurt Summer a lot. He wanted to fix those relationships, he really did, but not having anyone other than the rest of the band to lean on had made that so much harder. There wasn’t anyone else he could go to and get some perspective.
The dates with Stan were helping. Just spending time with Stan helped, even if they didn’t do anything except order Vietnamese takeaway and eat it on the sofa in Stan’s flat while watching Marvel movies.
By the time the second film was over, it was getting late, and Ben wondered if he could stay over. Leaving Stan now was something he really didn’t want to do.
He went over to where Stan was sorting recyclables from rubbish, and carefully wrapped his arms around Stan’s waist from behind. Stan turned in his arms and leaned back against the counter.
Stan brushed Ben’s hair back from his face. “You know you asked me before? If you could kiss me?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, you can now. If you want.”
Ben felt like he’d been punched in the chest. “Yeah. I want to.”
Stan’s eyes did that thing where they crinkled up at the corners when he smiled, and he was still the most beautiful thing Ben had ever seen in his whole life.
He hesitated before leaning in and brushing his lips over Stan’s, just gently. So slowly. Stan stepped in closer and rested his fingertips on Ben’s shoulders, giving him plenty of space to step away if he needed to, while making his intentions plenty clear.
Ben’s heart was beating so hard he thought Stan could probably hear it.
He licked Stan’s bottom lip and pulled him closer still, silently begging Stan to take things further.
Ben was relieved when Stan took charge, finally wrapping his hand around the back of Ben’s neck and using it as leverage to lick into Ben’s mouth. Their kisses turned long and smooth. Ben got hard. Then he started grinding against Stan’s hip and he lost all sense of decorum.
“You wanna go to bed?” Stan murmured, his lips brushing against Ben’s ear.
“What?” Ben felt stupid. “Yeah. Of course.”
He felt Stan smile, his lips curving against Ben’s neck. “Come on, then.”
“Are you sure?”
“Are you?”
“I’m not a fucking idiot, Stan,” Ben said. “Jesus Christ.”