Author: Frank Coles
Category: Humorous
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Eat and Be Merry
If you’re an out of work sociopath named Hannibal then clearly you might want to provide a silver service option for you and your girlfriend. Alternatively if you’re the landowning type you could feed your victim to whatever animals you have that will then be sold on to the general public. Or if you’re really enterprising you could go the way of Sweeney Todd and his girlfriend Mrs Lovett and get a production line going. They opted for meat pies. For a modern, culturally inclusive variant how about a late night kebab shop? Think anyone would notice the man-beef difference?
The Fargo Effect
You could of course put the dearly departed limb by limb in the wood chipper or garbage masher. Once you have a suitably unrecognisable mush on your tarp – you did lay one down beforehand didn’t you? – either take it out into a forest, a lake, or the sea, and distribute as wild animal food.
Acid Bath
If these all feel a bit hands on then you can always do what deranged serial killers and Mexican drug gangs have been doing for years: simply take your cadaver and drown it in sulphuric acid. Over time the body will turn to sludge and you can dispose of it wherever you like.
Old School
If you’re not a deranged killer and simply want to dispose of a family pet in a civilised way then do what gravediggers have been doing for generations. Dig six feet down – far enough to prevent the attentions of hungry animals – lay on some lime, cover and leave. Calcium oxide (CaO), commonly know as burnt lime, lime or quicklime, is used to both disguise the smell of decomposition and increase the rate of decay. You can also use salt or natron (a natural mineral used by the Egyptians for mummification) to hide the smell as both dry out the body and reduce acidity, making it a hostile place for bacteria to live. There really is no smell that lingers quite as much as that of a dead body. That reminds me: remember to wash your hands before you eat.
Make Things Go Boom
Blowing things up is one of those simple pleasures that some of us learn as children. This either kills you, gets you in trouble or you get away with it. When these same children become adults many go on to make money doing exactly the same dangerous things only with more dramatic results.
Usually in the military, construction or as a creative in film or theatre. I’m going to focus on the last element here, the theatrical and the mostly harmless.
Remember: if you use any of these methods or techniques at home the onus is on you to take responsibility. Therefore if you blow yourself up using these instructions or by say adding twenty times the amount of accelerant specified here then that clearly is your own damned fault.
For all of these recipes I recommend that you conduct your tests outdoors away from the wind, flammable materials, other humans and animals, and with a fire extinguisher close at hand. If you doubt any of your recipes or ingredients simply abort your experiments. Burning or wounding yourself or others, or setting fire to your house, is just not worth it.
Let’s start with something simple and idiot proof.
What you’ll need:
Two litres of Diet Coke (not normal Coke).
A packet of Mentos (the mint ones not fruit-flavoured).
The Coke Geyser
Open the bottle, add one to four Mentos and stand back: the Coke should plume several feet up into the air provoking gasps of wonder and admiration from those standing around followed by shrieks as they get covered in sticky, frothy goo.
The Coke–Mentos Bomb
This is best performed in a wide-open space away from other humans or animals. Repeat as above but before the plume shoots up screw the Coke bottle lid back on. To avoid the cap flying off and hitting you in the head screw it on as tight as you can. Then with the bottle pointing away from you throw it hard at the ground and as far away from you as possible. It will explode with a bang and shoot up into the air.
Quick and Easy Smoke Bombs
Yes, yes, I know, pretty tame right? Where’s the fire and brimstone? Well we’re getting there. Remember we’re going for the theatrical and practical and the type of thing that won’t get you picked up by Homeland Security or MI5. The quickest type of smoke bomb requires the following:
One ping pong ball.
A sheet of silver foil (say 30 × 30cm for good measure).
Lighter or matches.
Place the ball in the middle of the foil and wrap it around the ball without tearing it. You need to leave a foil tail to act as a handle – if it looks like a giant silver spermatozoa you’ve got the right shape. Take it outside and light the foil near the ping pong ball (yes, foil does burn). Throw the smoke bomb away from you then stand back and watch the smoke stream away. Always remember not to breathe the smoke from any smoke bomb as this could be harmful. To make it bigger cut two to three balls into little pieces and wrap in the same manner. More fuel for the fire so to speak.
Still not big enough? Okay let’s try something a little more ambitious.
Big Smoke Bomb
If size and dramatic effect are what you are after then we’re going to have to get a little more sophisticated. This is an entry-level smoke bomb using fuel, propellant and ignition.
What you’ll need:
Saltpetre, aka potassium nitrate (KNO3 ).
Powdered sugar.
Tissue paper.
Something to lay it on outdoors (make sure it’s not windy).
Potassium nitrate is used in any number of things from sausage-making or curing meats like ham, pastrami or Irish spiced beef to its more common use as a garden fertiliser.
Since the stuff you get in garden centres is now treated to make it burn slowly you will not be able to use this. You’re better off getting it unrefined from your pharmacist or on eBay. However if you begin to order this stuff in large quantities without a valid reason you should expect your door hinges to last for a shorter time than usual. Big Brother is watching after all.
Mix three parts of the nitrate to two parts sugar, say 30 grams and 20 grams to begin with. I seriously recommend you start with small quantities at first until you understand the burn rate. Remember to do this well away from any buildings, sheds, garden furniture, washing lines or anything else which could be damaged, including you. Then layer your well-mixed powder on the tissue paper then set fire to the paper. See the flame? See the smoke? Good. Now let’s scale it up.
Add a narrow cardboard box, some sparkler powder (scratch off the outside of a sparkler) and a fuse (I’ll show you how to make one of these in a moment).
Increase the quantities by a factor of ten. Mix very well; they’re both white powders so once you think you’ve got it right do it again to make sure. Lay the mix in the narrow box. Lay a thin line of sparkler powder across the mix. Then plug a long fuse into the mix through the sparkler powder –this faster-burning material will ensure that the whole mix burns as one rather than from corner to corner.
Light the fuse and step way back. You’ll see a fair bit of flame and lots of smoke. Hopefully no one will call the fire brigade. Keep a fire blanket nearby to smother the flames should you need to.
How to Make a Simple Fuse
Get some string, dip it in white spirits and let it dry. Take care. This fuse will have a rapid burn rate. Alternatively you can make a variety of more efficient fuse wires using string, glue and potassium nitrate but for a controlled burn rate and sheer ease of use I suggest you order a big coil of the stuff from your nearest theatrical supplies shop or online.
Shape a Charge for a Better Smoke Bomb
You can make another variety of smoke bomb that allows you to mould it into shape and carry it around. For this you will need:
KNO3
Sugar.
/> Baking soda.
Salt.
A solid container (e.g. a hard plastic bottle) and a fuse wire.
Mix three parts KNO3 and two parts sugar in a pan on a low heat. When the sugar begins to caramelise add one tablespoon of baking soda and one teaspoon of salt. Keep stirring until the mixture has formed a brown gooey caramel.
Pour into the bottle. Make a hole in the cap and screw back on. Thread the fuse through the hole into the mix and leave to set for one hour. Wrap gaffer tape around the body of the bottle and you’re done. Light the fuse. The bomb will burn for a minute or more. Do not put it on its side as it will probably take off like a rocket with unpredictable results. So once again do this in a secure and safe environment outside and away from living creatures and flammable objects.
WARNING: whenever you’re heating up potentially flammable and combustible materials it is essential you take precautions so do wear heavy, long sleeves and protective gloves to prevent nasty burns and blisters should the mixture stick to you. A full face shield is also advisable – you really wouldn’t want this stuck to your face. Keep a ready supply of water and an extinguisher close by and if possible cook the mixture outside on a camping stove or specially prepared area. You can always join your local rocketry club for experienced guidance on preparing these kinds of charges.
Flash Bangs and Electrical Detonation
Back in the days when I worked in TV I learned to make a theatrical explosive for war scenes. You get a flash, a bang and a cloud of smoke but by using surprisingly simple ingredients and without blowing anyone up.
Ingredients:
Gunpowder mixture from a firework.
A small pot such as the base of a tea light candle (preferably made of cardboard, shrapnel is no fun).
Talcum powder.
A sheet of paper.
A 9 or 12 volt battery.
A few metres of speaker cable and a thin strand of wire wool or copper.
First cut out a circle using the tea light base as a template.
Then fill with half the firework mixture and layer double the amount of talcum powder on top. Put the circle of paper on top of that to keep the mixture dry. You’ll find it useful for transporting pre-prepared charges.
Now take your cable and cut into two equal lengths.
Make a hole in the paper, connect the wire strand to each end of the cable and place in the mix. Run the other ends off a safe distance then touch the ends to the positive and negative terminals of your battery. Boom! Perfect war zone stage explosions. You may have to experiment with quantities here: more gunpowder equals bigger bang while more talcum powder creates a bigger cloud of smoke. Play safe.
With potential for electric shock and because you’re using explosive materials it’s a technique probably best left to the professionals. Failing that your local amateur dramatics society or art college should be able to teach you how to perform this or the next recipe in a safe and productive way and without any real life drama.
Theatrical Napalm
This can be used for a variety of effects from creating thick black clouds of smoke to fire writing on concrete or wire sculptures. When I was younger this was primarily made with soap or eggs but the modern interpretation is effortlessly simple and therefore requires an extra degree of caution. Again take all necessary steps to ensure your safety and if possible guidance from a professional. Napalm is used in war to create devastation and psychological havoc; it can be anything from a thick syrup to a gel and once lit is extremely hard to remove from whatever it’s stuck to. It’s also hydrophobic – i.e. hard to put out with water. So, as I say, be careful. Original napalm is banned internationally for use against civilian targets although later variants such as the Mark 77 bomb used in the second Gulf War used a kerosene rather than petroleum base of the modified napalm-B variant that we’ll use here (minus benzene). It burns for longer and up to temperatures of 1200°C/2200°F.
You’ll need:
Petrol.
Styrofoam (the pellets you find as packing in boxes are ideal).
Metal can (it eats plastic).
Pour a little petrol into the bottom of the metal can. Add Styrofoam chunks. Make sure you do not breathe the noxious fumes as they dissolve rapidly in the petrol. When you have a sticky white residue that’s it: you’re done.
Whereas original napalm burns for around fifteen to thirty seconds the B variant can burn for ten minutes and lends itself well to fire writing. Take a stick and write your name with the napalm mixture on a non-flammable surface i.e. something that will not burn easily when subjected to heat for long periods of time, concrete for example.
Then strike a long fire-lighting match and apply.
Wow look at you burn baby, you’re on fire!
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Next Chapter: Drill It ’Til You Can Kill It – How to Shoot Any Gun
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Contents
Author's Note
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Afterword
About the Author
Bonus Content - How to Drive a Tank...