Author: Pete Sortwell
Category: Humorous
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Great cosy, but not so great for wearing.
Being a vicar for a small parish in the south of England, I am expected to hold a fair amount of tea parties and get-togethers for my flock, which is invariably the older ladies of the community. Normally I am gracious enough to allow them to make me a woollen tea cosy. These have been, over the years, of mostly good quality, except the time Ethel Morrison presented one to me she’d managed to fashion together out of her husband’s incontinence pads, although we’ve since agreed not to talk about that. However nice the gifts of knitted tea cosies are, once a year I am visited by the bishop, Desmond. He’s a jolly old fellow most of the time, although he has been known to get a little bit on the excited side when around new brides. I think it’s something to do with the white dresses. Anyway, last month he was due on his annual visit so I needed something a little more sophisticated. Along with tea parties I also run a youth group for the three local children. Denny, the oldest of the gang, introduced me to the internet and the wide range of everything available. Denny also pointed out this sheep-styled cosy and what with there being sheep kept in the paddock next to the rectory, I decided this was a good choice. I just knew Bishop Desmond would be suitably impressed.
I was amazed at how quick the cosy arrived. We ordered at 3 a.m. one morning and it was with us by 10 a.m. the next day. Denny said he thought it would double as a hat and on inspection I have to say I agreed; it would bring a smile to Bishop Desmond’s face. Things didn’t go quite to plan, though. I’d planned to present myself wearing the tea cosy at dinner, an hour or two after serving the first cup of tea to my guests. I had an Irish coffee myself … well, several. As I was outside the room preparing myself to surprise Bishop Desmond, Millie Wainwright started to choke on the broiled pheasant I’d spent all the morning, and some of the previous evening preparing. Needless to say, me busting into the room wearing a tea cosy didn’t raise the mood half as much as I’d hoped. In fact, it raised the anger of Bishop Desmond, who at the time had just finished carrying out the Heimlich manoeuvre on Millie.
In finishing, I’d say leave the cosy on the teapot and leave the jokes to the younger people of your parish.
Denny seemed to find the whole event most amusing.
-Father Frederick
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