Author: Pete Sortwell
Category: Humorous
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You need to choose this OR a stick. Never both.
I recently bought the Safari Aero javelin, it’s something that I’ve been meaning to take up since school. I used to like a bit of shot-put too, but I had to stop that after I accidently messed my pants during the village version of the Highland Games. They’re just too heavy and at my age, you just can’t trust a fart enough to be throwing heavy things around from a squatting position — especially not when you’re wearing a traditional Scottish kilt, with no underwear. It still hurts me to talk about. Ethel, the local crazy, was seen stuffing the kilt into her bag after I’d discarded it into the nearest garden.
So as you can see, my need for lighter things to throw was somewhat urgent. I read the product description with great interest; however, I’d like to let people know that if, like me, you go on YouTube for tips and you see a video that advises you to use a stick to practice with before you take up a javelin, please listen to my experience of it. I watched the video. The wait for the Safari Aero was fairly long, so I popped over the road to kick down some of Brian’s trees to use for sticks. (It’s OK because no one likes him, so even if they saw me doing it, they wouldn’t have told him.) Then I went out in the park behind the Co-op to practise. I think I got the stance down to a tee within the first ten throws on the first day, then I was out every day, as much as I could. I even felt my aim and strength improving. I’d sprayed a target onto the hedge and it caught the sticks; it was a fairly robust thicket.
You can imagine my enthusiasm for the actual javelin pole to arrive, and after the allotted three weeks, it did. I’d got a matching vest for the big day and slipped the singlet on in double-quick time and headed out to the park. This is where my gripe comes in: the javelin is actually a lot lighter and more aero-dynamic than a stick, so when I threw it, it went sailing over the hedge and beyond, into the Co-op car park. By the time I got round there, it had gone. No doubt Ethel had seen it and taken it home to train runner beans up. I’d go round and challenge her, but she’s been known to carry a police baton, and to bite.
Personally I feel hurt by the whole situation and have decided to go back to throwing sticks, although I’ll have to find a new garden to get them from as I’ve taken all the branches from Brian’s trees.
So, my advice to you if you’re thinking of buying one of these bad boys, is wait for it to come, don’t bother with the sticks, or just throw sticks instead. Whatever you start with, stay with.
-Jock
Dating in the Dark: sometimes love just pretends to be blind
Read an extract from the book:
~Prologue~