Author: Don Marquis
Category: Humorous
Go to read content：https://onlinereadfreenovel.com/don-marquis/page,19,57624-the_lives_and_times_of_archy_and_mehitabel.html
although privately i dont think
its going anywhere in particular
its just running around in circles
chasing its tail like one
of mehitabel s fool kittens
mehitabel the cat
says she is not scared
by the cleanup in the moving pictures
cheer up says mehitabel
television is coming some time
and who knows but what television
will be lousy and enjoyable
and by the time television is
cleaned up
the pictures will get immoral
again
there is always hope says
mehitabel
if you dont weaken
the artistic purpose
of these periods of reform is
to give
greater zest to the relaxation
which follows
prince gets jail term
says a headline
selfish aristocrat
as if us communists did not need
all the jail room we can get
with a hard winter coming on
and here and there a job
looming up that has to be dodged
new england womens clubs were excited
over a questionnaire
addressed to college girls asking them
if they were interested
in a companion without marriage
or a companion with marriage
a marriage with children
or children without marriage
hells bells said mehitabel the cat
i should think they would be
interested in all of them
though perhaps not at the same time
i am continually shocked and reshocked
at the flaunting depravity of that
careless cat
and yet i suppose she serves a purpose
if there were not always someone
who needed reform and regeneration
the world would get as dull
for us good people
as two honeymoons full
of honeymoon bridge
the country is getting so full
of poor relations
that many persons are purchasing
cars with two rumble seats
i heard two bums
talking yesterday
i am afraid said the first one
that this depression will peter out
before long and we will have
to go to work
cheer up said the second one
we have weathered many
spells
of good times before this
i would almost welcome good
times again
people are so sour nowadays
and the relief agencies are
getting so critical
scab retorted his companion
quitter
the season is approaching
when there will be a lot of
big dinners
to consider what should be
done
about the hungry multitudes
when i was in hollywood
i ran across the ingenious theory
that the japs might make trouble
just because so many
americans had been coming in
to their state of california
archy
archy broadcasts
Announcer:
Archy the Cosmic Cockroach will now talk to you on world affairs. Archy, what do you consider the most feasible remedy for overproduction?
archy
well i dont want to go into details with a couple of million people unless i can watch their faces and make a quick change if i seem to be going too far but i will say that in my opinion the problem of overproduction has been very competently handled by the birth control productions
Announcer:
Do you think the time is ripe for launching a third national political party in America?
archy
it is more than ripe it is rotten
Announcer:
Will you give your interpretation of the Japanese activities of the past few months?
archy
all i feel free to say is that i would never pick a cherry blossom unless i were sure it did not have a wasp hidden in it
Announcer:
What changes do you suggest in our national financial system?
archy
well boss when i have money i dont want any change and when i am busted i always think oh whats the use
Announcer:
Do you think this country ought to join the League of Nations?
archy
aint they both got trouble enough living in sin without marrying each other
Announcer:
Do you think a general adoption of the Marxian philosophy is necessary to save the world?
archy
i always liked harpo and groucho but i never could see karl
Announcer:
Have you any notions on farm relief?
archy
you let the farmers alone they make business for the manufacturers when i hitch hiked from los angeles to new york last summer i saw three thousand miles of tractors and farm machinery sitting out in the rain getting rusty wherever there was rain and i said to myself that is the right idea that will make money for the manufacturers as far as the farmers are concerned they are used to getting along without money anyhow
all they got to do is mortgage some more land to get new farm machinery to work the land they have just mortgaged and that is a good deal easier than dragging the farm machinery in under a shed if they organized with state or national associations to have an effect on the prices of their product that would be a great deal of trouble also and it might take away the chance of raising hell with their congressmen which is one of the delights of their life
government control of agriculture may be all right but i should hate to see it run into agricultural control of government because the agriculturists have never yet shown that they could control their own business let alone the business of everybody else
all they got to do is gang up efficiently among themselves to run their business but they never can stay ganged up they run out on each other
and then after they have run out on each other and caused a crop program to fail they blame somebody else for the failure
i am a great believer in letting every industry run its own affairs if it cannot learn it must perish
the farmers have the greatest natural economic lever-age in the world in human necessity for their products and their failure to utilize it is not a recommendation for extending their political power
you let the farmers alone if they had rather revert to the status of peasants than progress to the status of business men that is their own business
let the railroads alone too if they can no longer compete with motor traffic without special privilege to help them let them pass and let motor traffic have its day
archy
on the air again
Archy the Cockroach made another radio “appearance” last evening; and a brief résumé of the broadcast is appended:
Announcer:
This program comes to you through the courtesy of the Knockemorf Insect Exterminator Company, Inc.… Ladies and gentlemen, and all you wee tots who are listening in, this is the Roach Paste Hour, and it is my privilege to introduce Archy the Cockroach on Current Events.
Archy, tell us what you think of Current Events.
archy
well with regard to currants i have never been much of a bug for currants
i could always take them or leave them alone but with razzberries it is different i am a bug for razzberries and with regard to the events of the day i regard them as beginning continuing and ending with just one fruity razzberry after another
Announce
r:
What is your program for debt settlement?
archy
my policy with regard to debts is a kind of a yes and no policy like every other statesmans yes it would be awfully nice if they were paid but no they are not going to be
Announcer:
What do you think of inflation?
archy
anything you blow up ought to have a squeaker in it so when deflation comes people will listen to the squeaker and not realize the wind is coming out of the situation
maybe we could get senator bilboa for the squeaker
Announcer:
Have you thought deeply concerning technocracy?
archy
oh yes indeed very deeply
Announcer:
Will you tell the listeners-in of the Roach Paste Hour the results of your thought?
archy
i have thought too deeply for that i have thought so far down into the subject that i am way below the place where there could be any results and even if there were results it would take me years to climb up again far enough to announce them and by that time everything will be different
Announcer:
What do you think with regard to the tax situation in general?
archy
if i put it on the air they would not be able to use the air any more afterward
the post office department would cut out the air as a means of communication
and if i printed it in a paper it would be the last issue of that paper
if i were to use any sincere language with regard to taxes i would not be generally understood because there are only a few people in the world low life enough to understand the language i would use and they do not pay taxes
that is what i think about taxes
Announcer:
I do not quite understand you.
archy
what i mean is that most people are too decent and too well brought up to comprehend my vocabulary if i got onto the subject of taxes
Announcer:
What do you think about Wall Street?
archy
i think nature will take its course if we leave things alone
i was down that way one day last fall and i noticed at one end of wall street was a river and at the other end was a cemetery
if we dont watch it too closely some time it will crawl into the cemetery or else crawl into the river and that will end all these wall street questions which are forever coming up
Announcer:
What are your ideas with regard to the Philippine Islands, Japan, China, Manchuria, the Open Door, the League of Nations, Mussolini, and the Gold Standard?
archy
the doctor has got me off of them he said i would either have to give them up or else lay off of gin and i could take my choice
but i will say as a general proposition i am opposed to them and it is my belief that sooner or later you will see them all down in union square getting clubbed by the cops which will prove that they are not respectable and to hell with anything not respectable has always been my motto
if george washington had got clubbed by the cops that would have proved he was a bolshevist and a communist and we would have heard very little more about him
Announcer:
What do you think of having a dictator for this country?
archy
that always comes down to a question of who bosses the dictator and i have very little time to give to that myself as i am full of literary projects
Announcer:
Do you believe the repeal of the anti-liquor laws has been an improvement?
archy
it may not have improved the country but it has improved the liquor
Announcer:
What did you think of the Russian five-year plan?
archy
i think it was a good thing and should be extended five years more every five years indefinitely until it either works or doesnt work which is all you want to know about any plan
but i will say that in a general way i am very hopeful not only about the future but about the past in looking over the past i find a lot of swell things have happened in the history of the world and today i find it far easier to be optimistic about the past than about the future
Announcer:
Are you in favor of Fascism for this country?
archy
well i wouldnt say in favor of it exactly but i guess at that it is a good deal handier than the old type of ice box where the iceman has to drag the ice through the kitchen and leaves little pools of water everywhere and you forget to empty the pan and it spills over and runs down through the ceiling of the room underneath
resurgam
look a here boss this thing
has gotta stop i
appeal to you for protection that
roughneck guy down cellar who
sent up the desiccated remnant of
a common chocolate colored water bug
and put it down by our typewriter
labeled exit archy is a person wholly
devoid of any real human
sensibility it
wasnt even decently preserved frag
mentary if you get what i mean when
my time to exit comes again i am
not going out that way in the cellar of
a printing shop i think i shall be a
humming bird next time or maybe i
shall take on something practical like
being a pawnbroker that depends a good
deal on how i am treated in this place
anyhow i am tired of this kind of
practical joke the reports of my exit
as uncle mark twain said are greatly
exaggerated
archy
the ant bear
the ant bear may be toothless
but scorn not his capacity
his appetite is ruthless
his chief vice is edacity
he boasts without apology
his fad is entomology
archy
two comrades
i was walking in the park
the other day when i heard
a couple of fellows on a bench
exchanging ideas
the government says number one
ought to have these parks
air cooled in summer
yes and heat them in winter
says number two
how much longer says number one
are we going to stand for this
tyranny and oppression
no wonder communism is growing
they paid some friends of mine
not to raise pigs or potatoes
said number two
now i am off relief
and theyve got to pay me
not to raise hell
that sounds good said the other one
why couldnt we organize a racket
along those lines
poney up the jack or we will
become communists
suppose we give it a good patriotic
name like the defenders of
the constitution or something
i see by the papers that they are
going to spend millions for more
new roads
who the hell wants more auto roads
said his friend
there are roads enough now
what the poor man needs is more automobiles
to ride on them
and the government ought to give them to us
and the gasoline too
i refuse to help build roads
unless the government gives me a car
to use on them
they ought to give us chauffeurs too
said the other bum
they gotta give me a car
and a chauffeur or else
i will turn communist
if we could get paid by moscow
for turning commun
ist
and get paid from washington
for not turning communist
it would just exactly suit me
we might weather it through
until good times come again
to hell with good times
said the other one
somebody is always shoving a job at you
in good times
what i used to suffer in good times
would draw tears from a stone
i never did so well in my life
as i have done during the recovery period
if us guys all stick together
we may be able to prevent
the return of good times
i doubt it said his friend
the damned capitalists
will sooner or later
be grinding us down under the
iron heel of prosperity again
boss i am glad i am
only an insect
and dont have to give myself headaches
trying to understand about
finance and economics and prosperity
and relief
archy