Author: Sewell Ford
Category: Humorous
Go to read content：https://onlinereadfreenovel.com/sewell-ford/page,11,10096-torchy,_private_sec_.html
CHAPTER XI
TEAMWORK WITH AUNTY
As Mr. Robert hangs up the desk 'phone and turns to me I catches himsmotherin' a smile. "Torchy," says he, "are you a patron of the plasticart?"
"Corns, or backache?" says I.
"Not plasters," says he; "plastic; in short, sculpture."
"Never sculped a sculpin," says I. "What's the joke?"
"On the contrary," says he, "it's quite serious,--a sculptor indistress; a noble young Belgian at that, one Djickyns, in whose cause,it seems, I was rash enough to enlist at a recent dinner party. Andnow----" Mr. Robert waves towards his piled-up desk.
"I'd be a hot substitute along that line, wouldn't I?" says I.
"As I understand the situation," goes on Mr. Robert, "it is not a matterof giving artistic advice, but of--er--financing the said Djickyns."
"Oh!" says I. "Slippin' him a check?"
Mr. Robert shakes his head. "Nothing so simple," says he. "One doesn'tslip checks to noble young sculptors. In this instance I am supposed toassist in outlining a plan whereby certain alleged objects of art maybe--er----"
"Wished onto suckers in exchange for real money, eh?" says I. "Ain'tthat it?"
Mr. Robert nods.
"With so many dividends bein' passed," says I, "that's goin' to takesome strategy."
"Hence this appeal to us," says he. "And I might add, Torchy, that oneof those most interested is a near relative of a certain young ladywho----"
"Aunty?" says I.
It was. So I grins and grabs my hat.
"That bein' the case, Mr. Robert," says I, "we'll finance this Djickynsparty if we have to bull the sculpture market till it hits the rafters."
With that I takes the address of the scene of trouble and breezes uptownto a third-rate studio buildin'; where I finds Aunty and Vee and SisterMarjorie all grouped around a stepladder on top of which is balanced apallid youth with long black hair and a fair white brow projectin' outlike a double dormer on a cement bungalow. He seems to be tryin' todrape a fish net across the top of an alcove accordin' to threediff'rent sets of directions; but leaves off abrupt when I blows in.
You'd hardly guess I'd been sent for, either. "Humph!" remarks Aunty,after I've announced how sorry Mr. Robert was he couldn't come himselfand that he's detailed me instead. "How perfectly absurd!"
"But, Aunty," protests Vee, "you know Torchy is a private secretary nowand understands all about such things. Besides, he knows such heaps ofimportant business men who----"
"If he can bring them here Wednesday afternoon, very well," says Aunty;"but I have my doubts that he can."
"What's the game?" says I.
"It is not a game at all, young man," says Aunty. "Our project, if thatis what you mean, is to have a studio tea for Mr. Djickyns and to securethe attendance of as many purchasers for his works as possible. Have youany suggestions?"
"Why," says I, "not right off the bat. Maybe if I could chew over theproposition awhile, I might----"
"Oh, I say," breaks in the noble young gent on the stepladder, "I--I'mgetting dizzy up here, you know. I--I'm feeling rather----"
"Mercy!" squeals Marjorie. "He's fainting!"
"I gathers him in on the fly."]
"Steady there!" I sings out to Djickyns, makin' a jump. "Don't wabbleuntil I get you. Easy!"
I ain't a second too soon, either; for as I reaches up he topples towardme, as limp as a sack of flour. I was fieldin' my position well for anamateur; for I gathers him in on the fly, slides him down head firstwith only a bump or two, and stretches him out on the rug. It's only anear-faint, though, and after a drink of water and a sniff at Aunty'ssmellin' salts he's able to be helped onto a couch and propped up withcushions.
"Awfully sorry," says he, smilin' mushy, "but I fear I can't go on withthe decorating to-day."
"Never mind," says Aunty, comfortin'. "This young man will help us."
"Please do, Torchy," adds Marjorie.
"You will, won't you?" says Vee, shootin' over a glance from them grayeyes that makes me feel all rosy and tingly.
"That's my job in life," says I, pickin' up the fish net. "Now how doesthis go?"
And for the next hour or so, when I wa'n't clingin' to the ceilin' withmy eyelids, tackin' things up, I was down on all-fours arrangin' rugs,or executin' other merry little stunts. Aunty had collected a wholetruckload of fancy junk,--wall tapestries, old armor, Russian teamachines, and such,--with the idea of transformin' this half-bare loftof Djickyns's into a swell studio. And, believe me, we came mighty nearturnin' the trick!
"There!" says she. "With a few flowers I believe it will do. Now, youngman, have you thought how we can get the right people here? Of course weshall advertise in all the papers."
"As an open show?" says I. "Say, that's nutty! Don't you do it. You'donly get in a bunch of suburban shoppers and cheap-skate art students.My tip is, make it exclusive,--admission by card only. Then if it's doneright you can graft a lot of free press agent stuff by playin' up theBelgian part of it strong. See? Lets you ring in on this fund forBelgian sufferers. I take it you want to unload as much of this plasterjunk as you can? Well, all you got to do is mark it up twenty per cent.and announce that you'll chip in that much towards the fund. Get me?"
She never bats an eye, Aunty don't. "To be sure," says she. "I thinkthat is precisely what we had in mind all the time; only we--er----"
"I know," says I. "You hadn't been playin' the relief act strong enough.But that's what'll get you into the headlines. 'Social Leader to theRescue,'--all that dope. I'll send some of the boys up to see youto-night. Don't let your butler frost 'em, though. Give 'em a cleartrack to the lib'ry, and if you're servin' after-dinner coffee andfrosted green cordials, so much the better. Reporters are almost human,you know. It would help too if you'd happen to be just startin' for theop'ra, with all your pearl ropes on. And whisper,--soft pedal onDjickyns here, but heavy on his suff'rin' countrymen! That's the line."
Aunty shudders a couple of times, and once she starts to crash in withthe sharp reproof; but she swallows it. Some little old diplomat, Auntyis! She was gettin' the picture. Havin' planned that part of thecampaign, she switches the debate as to who should go on the list ofinvited guests.
"Leave it to me," says I. "You just pick out about a dozen patronesses.Pick 'em from the top, the ones that are featured oftenest in thesociety notes. And me, I'll sift out a couple of hundred soundpropositions from the corporation lists,--parties that have stayed onthe right side of the market and still have cash to spend."
Aunty nods approvin'. She even hands over some names she'd jotted downherself and asks me to put 'em in if they're all right.
"Most of 'em are fine," says I, glancin' over the slip; "but who's thisW. T. Wiggins with no address?"
"I particularly want to reach him," says she. "He is a wealthy merchantwho is apt to be rather generous, I am told, if properly approached."
"I'll look him up," says I, "and see that he gets aninvite--registered."
"Of course," goes on Aunty, "he doesn't belong socially, you understand;but in this instance----"
"Uh-huh!" says I. "You'll be pleased to meet his checkbook. And, by theway, what schedule are you runnin' this on,--doors open at when?"
"The cards will read, 'From half after four until seven,'" says Aunty.
"I see," says I. "Then if I drift in before six a frock coat will passme."
And for the first time durin' the session she inspects me insultin'through her lorgnette. "Really," says she, "I had not considered that itwould be necessary----"
"Eh?" I gasps. "Ah, have a heart! Think how handy I'd be if someone didanother flop, or if Miss Vee wanted----"
"Verona will be fully occupied in serving tea," breaks in Aunty."Besides, we shall try to give this affair the appearance, at least, ofa genuine social function. I imagine that the presence of such personsas Mr. Wiggins will make the task sufficiently difficult. Don't yousee?"
"I ought to," says I. "You ain't left much to the imag
ination. Sort of ablot on the landscape I'd be, would I?"
Aunty shrugs her shoulders. "Please remember," says she, "that I am notmaking social distinctions. I merely recognize those which exist. Youmust not hold me responsible for----"
"Oh, Aunty," breaks in Vee, trippin' into our corner impulsive, "we'veforgotten the tea things. I must go out and find a store and get them atonce. Mayn't Torchy come to carry the bundles?"
"Yes," says Aunty; "but I think I will go also, to be sure you order theright things."
Think of carryin' round a disposition like that! She trails right alongwith us too, and just to make the trip int'restin' for her I strikes forEighth-ave. through one of them messy cross streets where last week'ssnow piles and garbage cans was mixed careless along the curb.
"What a wretched district!" complains Aunty.
"I thought you wanted to get to the nearest grocery," says I. "Hello!Here's one of the Wiggins chain. How about patronizin' this?"
It's one of them cheap, cut-rate joints, you know, with the windowsplastered all over with daily bargain hints,--"Three pounds ofWiggins's best creamery butter for 97 cents--to-day only," "Cannedcorn, 6 cents--our big Monday special," and so on. Aunty sniffs a bit,but fin'lly decides to take a chance and sails in in all her grandeur.The one visible clerk was busy waitin' on lady customers, one with ashawl over her head and the other luggin' a baby on her hip. So Auntyraps impatient on the counter.
At that out from behind a stack of Wiggins's breakfast food boxesappears a middle-aged gent strugglin' into a blue jumper three sizes toosmall for him. He's kind of heavy built and slow movin' for an averagegrocery clerk, and he's wearin' gold-rimmed specs; but when Auntyproceeds to cross-examine him about his stock of tea he sure showed hewas onto his job. He seems to know about every kind of tea ever grown,and produces samples of the best he has in the shop.
Aunty was watchin' him casual as he weighs out a couple of pounds, whenall of a sudden she unlimbers her long-handled glasses and takes acloser look. "My good man," says she, "haven't I seen you somewherebefore?"
"Oh, yes," says he, scoopin' a pinch off the scales so they'd registerexactly to the quarter ounce.
"In some other store, perhaps?" says she.
"I think not," says he.
"Then where?" asks Aunty.
"Cooperstown," says he, reachin' for a paper bag and shootin' the tea inskillful. "Anything more, Madam?"
"Cooperstown!" echoes Aunty. "Why, I haven't been there since I was agirl."
"Yes, I know," says he. "You didn't even finish at high school. Cutsugar, did you say, Madam?"
"A box," says Aunty, starin' puzzled. "Perhaps you attended the sameschool?"
He nods.
"Oh, I seem to remember now," says she. "Aren't you the one theycalled--er---- What was it you were called?"
"Woodie," says he. "Will you have lemons too? Fresh Floridas."
"Two dozen," says Aunty. "Well, well! You used to ask me to skate withyou on the lake, didn't you?"
"When my courage was running high," says he. "Sometimes you would; butmore often you wouldn't. I lived at the wrong end of town, you know."
"In the Hollow, wasn't it?" says she. "And there was something queerabout--about your family, wasn't there?"
He looks her straight in the eye at that, Woodie does. "Yes," says he."Mother went out sewing. She was a widow."
"Oh!" says Aunty. "I recall your skates--those funny old wooden-toppedones, weren't they?"
"I was lucky to have those," says he.
"Hm-m-m!" muses Aunty. "But you could skate very well. You taught me theDutch roll. I remember now. Then there was the night we had the bigbonfire on the ice."
Woodie lets on not to hear this last, but grabs a sales slip and getsbusy jottin' down items.
I nudges Vee, and she smothers a snicker. We was enjoyin' this littlepeek into their past. Could you have guessed it? Aunty! She orders sixloaves of sandwich bread and asks to see the canned caviar.
"You've never found anything better to do," she goes on, "than--thanthis?"
"No," says Woodie, on his way down from the top shelf.
Once more Aunty levels her lorgnette and gives him the cold, curiouslook over. "Hm-m-mff!" says she through her aristocratic nose. "I mustsay that as a boy you were presuming enough."
"I got over that," says he.
"So I should hope," says she. "You manage to make a living at this sortof thing, I suppose?"
"In a way," says he.
"You've no family, I trust?" says Aunty.
"There are six of us all told," admits Woodie humble.
"Good heavens!" she gasps. "But I presume some of them are able to helpyou?"
"A little," says Woodie.
"Think of it!" says Aunty. "Six! And on such wages! Are any of themgirls?"
"Two," says he.
"I must send you some of my niece's discarded gowns," says Auntyimpulsive. "You are not a drinking man, are you?"
"Not to excess, Madam," says Woodie.
"How you can afford to drink at all is beyond me," says she. "Or eveneat! Yet you are rather stout. I've no doubt, though, that plain food isbest. But you show your age."
"I know," says he, smoothin' one hand over his bald spot. "Anything elseto-day?"
There's just a hint of an amused flicker behind the glasses that makesAunty glare at him suspicious for a second. "No," says she. "Put allthose things in two stout bags and tie them carefully."
"Yes, Madam," says Woodie.
He was doin' it too, when the other clerk steps up, salutes him polite,and says: "You're wanted at the telephone, Sir."
"Tell them to hold the wire," says Woodie.
We was still tryin' to dope that out when a big limousine rolls up infront of the store, out hops a footman in livery, walks in to Woodiewith his cap in his hand, and holds out a bunch of telegrams.
"From the office, Sir," says he.
"Wait," says Woodie, wavin' him one side.
Now was them any proper motions for a grocery clerk to be goin' through?I leave it to you. Vee is watchin' with her nose wrinkled up, like shealways does when anything stumps her; and me, I was just starin'open-faced and foolish. I couldn't get the connection at all. But Auntyain't one to stand gaspin' over a mystery while her tongue's stillworkin'.
"Whose car is that?" she demands.
Woodie slips the string from between his front teeth, puts a double knotscientific on the end of the package, and peers over his glasses outthrough the door. "That?" says he. "Oh, that's mine."
"Yours!" comes back Aunty. "And--and this store too?"
"Oh, yes," says he.
"Then--then your name is Wiggins?" she goes on.
"Yes," says he. "Don't you remember,--Woodie Wiggins?"
"I'd forgotten," says Aunty. "And all the other stores like this--howmany of them have you?"
"Something less than a hundred," says he. "Ninety-six or seven, Ithink."
Most got Aunty's breath, that did; but in a jiffy she's recovered."Perhaps," says she, "you don't mind telling me the reason for thismasquerade?"
"It's not quite that," says Wiggins. "I try to keep in touch with all myplaces. In making my rounds to-day I found my local manager here too illto be at work. Bad case of grip. So I sent him home, telephoned for asubstitute, and while waiting took off my coat and filled in. Fortunatecoincidence, wasn't it?--for it gave me the pleasure of serving you."
"You mean," cuts in Aunty, "that it gave you the opportunity of makingme appear absurd. Those gowns I promised to send!"
Wiggins grins good natured. "Is this the niece you mentioned?" says he.
Aunty admits that it is, and introduces Vee.
Then Wiggins looks inquirin' at me. "Your son?" he asks.
And you should have seen Aunty's face pink up at that. "Certainly not!"says she.
"Oh!" says Woodie, screwin' up one corner of his mouth and tippin' methe wink.
I knew if I got a look at Vee I'd have to haw-haw; so I backs aroundwit
h one hand behind me and we swaps a finger squeeze.
Then Aunty jumps in with the quick shift. She asks him patronizin' ifhe finds the grocery business int'restin'. He admits that he does.
"How odd!" says Aunty. "But I presume that you hope to retire verysoon?"
"Eh?" says he. "Quit the one thing I can do best? Why?"
"But surely," she goes on, "you can hardly find such a businesscongenial. It is so--so--well, so petty and sordid?"
"Is it, though?" says Wiggins. "With more than five thousand employeeson my payroll and a daily expense bill running well over thirtythousand, I find it far from petty. Anyway, it keeps me hustling. I usedto think I was a hard worker too, when I had my one little general storeat Smiths Corners."
"And now you've nearly a hundred stores!" says Aunty. "How did you doit?"
"I was kicked into doing it, I guess," says Wiggins, smilin' grim. "Themanufacturers and jobbers, you know. They weren't willing to allow me afair profit. So I had to go under or spread out. Well, I'vespread,--flour mills in Minnesota, canning factories from Portland,Oregon, to Bridgeton, Maine, potato farms in Michigan and the Aroostook,cracker and bread bakeries, creameries, raisin and pruneplantations,--all that sort of thing,--until gradually I've weeded outmost of the greedy middlemen who stood between me and my customers.They're poor folks, most of 'em, and when they trade with me their slimwages go further than in most stores. My ambition is to give them honestgoods at a five per cent. profit.
"If they all knew what was best for them, the Wiggins stores would soonbecome a national institution, and I could hand it over to the federalgovernment; but they don't. If they did, I suppose they wouldn't beworking for wages. So my chain grows slowly, at the rate of two or threestores a year. But every Wiggins store is a center for economic andscientific distribution of pure food products. That's my job, and I findit neither petty nor sordid. I can even get a certain satisfaction andpride from it. Incidentally there is my five per cent. profit to bemade, which makes the game fascinating. Retire? Not until I've foundsomething better to do, and up to date I haven't."
Havin' got this off his mind and the parcels done up, Mr. Wiggins walksback to answer the 'phone.
When he comes out again, in a minute or so, he's shucked the jumper andis buttonin' himself into a mink-lined overcoat.
"As a rule," says he, "we do not deliver goods; but in this instance Ibeg leave to make an exception. Permit me," and he waves toward thelimousine.
It's the first time too that I ever saw Aunty stunned for more than asecond or two at a stretch. She acts sort of dazed as he leads her outto the car and helps stow Vee and me and the bundles before gettin' inhimself. Only when we pulls up in front of the studio buildin' does shecome to. She revives enough to tell Wiggins all about this noble youngBelgian sculptor and his wonderful work.
"Sculpture!" says Wiggins. "I'd like to see it."
And inside of three minutes Woodruff T. Wiggins, the chain grocerymagnate, is right where we'd been schemin' to get him. He inspects thevarious groups of plaster stuff ranged around the studio, squintin' at'em critical like he was a judge of such junk, and now and then he makesnotes on the back of an envelope.
Meanwhile Aunty explains all about the tea, namin' over some of theswell dowagers that was goin' to act as patronesses, and invites himcordial to drop around on the big day.
"Thanks," says he; "but I guess I'd better not. I'm still from the wrongend of the town, you know. But here's a memorandum of four pieces Ishould like done in bronze for my country house. And suppose I leave Mr.Djickyns a check for five thousand on account. Will that do?"
Would it? Say, Aunty almost pats him fond on the cheek as she followshim to the door.
Must have been something romantic about that bonfire episode back inCooperstown too; for she mellows up a lot durin' the next few minutes,and when I fin'lly calls a taxi and tucks 'em all in she comes nearbeamin' on me.
"Remember, young man," says she, "promptly at five on Wednesday."
"Wha-a-at?" says I.
"And be sure to wear your best frock coat," she adds as a partin' shot.
Do you wonder I stands gaspin' on the curb until after they've turnedthe corner? Think of that from Aunty!
"Well?" says Mr. Robert, as I blows in about quittin' time. "Any newquotations in sculpture?"
"If you think that's a merry jest," says I, "call up Aunty. Why, say,before we get through with this tea stunt of hers that Djickyns partywill be runnin' his studio works day and night shifts and rebuildin'Belgium! We're a great team, me and dear old Aunty. We've just found itout."