Author: Sewell Ford
Category: Humorous
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CHAPTER II
TOWING CECIL TO A SMEAR
Just think! If it had turned out a little different I might have beencalled to stand on a platform in front of City Hall while the Mayorwished a Victoria Cross or something like that on me.
No, I ain't been nearer the front than Third Avenue, but at that I'vecome mighty near gettin' on the firin' line, and the only reason I missedout on pullin' a hero stunt was that Maggie wa'n't runnin' true to form.
It was like this. Here the other mornin', as I'm sittin' placid at mydesk dictatin' routine correspondence into a wax cylinder that'swarranted not to yank gum or smell of frangipani--sittin' there dignifiedand a bit haughty, like a highborn private sec. ought to, you know--whoshould come paddin' up to my elbow but the main wheeze, Old HickoryEllins.
"Son," says he, "can any of that wait?"
"Guess it wouldn't spoil, sir," says I, switchin' off the duflicker.
"Good!" says he. "I think I can employ your peculiar talents to betteradvantage for the next few hours. I trust that you are prepared to facethe British War Office?"
Suspectin' that he's about to indulge in his semi-annual josh, I onlygrins expectant.
"We have with us this morning," he goes on, "one Lieutenant CecilFothergill, just arrived from London. Perhaps you saw him as he wasshown in half an hour or so ago?"
"The solemn-lookup gink with the long face, one wanderin' eye, and thesquare-set shoulders?" says I. "Him in the light tan ridin'-breeches andthe black cutaway?"
"Precisely," says Mr. Ellins.
"Huh!" says I. "Army officer? I had him listed as a rail-bird from theHorse Show."
"He presents credentials signed by General Kitchener," says Old Hickory."He's looking up munition contracts. Not the financial end. Nor is hean artillery expert. Just exactly what he is here for I've failed todiscover, and I am too busy to bother with him."
"I get you," says I. "You want him shunted."
Old Hickory nods.
"Quite delicately, however," he goes on.
"The Lieutenant seems to have something on his mind--something heavy. Iinfer that he wishes to do a little inspecting."
"Oh!" says I.
You see, along late in the summer, one of our Wall Street men had coppedout a whalin' big shell-case contract for us, gayly ignorin' the factthat this was clean out of our line.
How Old Hickory did roast him for it at the time! But when he come tofigure out the profits, Mr. Ellins don't do a thing but rustle around,lease all the stray factories in the market, from a canned gas plant inBayonne to a radiator foundry in Yonkers, fit 'em up with the propermachinery, and set 'em to turnin' out battle pills by the trainload.
"I gather," says Mr. Ellins, "that the Lieutenant suspects we are nottaking elaborate precautions to safeguard our munition plants from--well,Heaven knows what. So if you could show him around and ease his mind anyit would be helpful. At least, it would be a relief to me just now.Come in and meet him."
My idea was to chirk him up at the start.
"Howdy, Lieutenant," says I, extendin' the cordial palm.
But both the Lieutenant's eyes must have been wandering for he don't seemto notice my friendly play.
"Ha-ar-r-r yuh," he rumbles from somewhere below his collar-button, andwith great effort he manages to focus on me with his good lamp. For asingle-barreled look-over, it's a keen one, too--like bein' stabbed witha cheese-tester. But it's soon over, and the next minute he's listenin'thoughtful while Old Hickory is explainin' how I'm the one who can towhim around the munition shops.
"Torchy," Mr. Ellins winds up with, shootin' me a meanin' look from underhis bushy eyebrows, "I want you to show the Lieutenant our main works."
"Eh?" says I, gawpin'. For he knew very well there wasn't any such thing.
His left eyelid does a slow flutter.
"The main works, you understand," he repeats. "And see that LieutenantFothergill is well taken care of. You will find the limousine waiting."
"Yes, sir," says I. "I'm right behind you."
Course, if Mr. Robert had been there instead of off honeymoonin', thiswould have been his job. He'd have towed Cecil to his club, fed himMartinis and vintage stuff until he couldn't have told a 32-inch shellfrom an ashcan; handed him a smooth spiel about capacity, strain tests,shipping facilities, and so on, and dumped him at his hotel entirelysatisfied that all was well, without having been off Fifth Avenue.
The best I can do, though, is to steer him into a flossy Broadway grill,shove him the wine-card with the menu, and tell him to go the limit.
He orders a pot of tea and a combination chop.
"Oh, say, have another guess," says I. "What's the matter with thatsquab caserole and something in a silver ice-bucket?"
"Thank you, no," says he. "I--er--my nerves, you know."
I couldn't deny that he looked it, either. Such a high-strung, jumpyparty he is, always glancin' around suspicious. And that wanderin' storeeye of his, scoutin' about on its own hook independent of the other, sortof adds to the general sleuthy effect. Kind of weird, too.
But I tries to forget that and get down to business.
"Surprisin' ain't it," says I, "how many of them shells can be turned outby--"
"S-s-s-sh!" says he, glancin' cautious at the omnibus-boy comin' to setup our table.
"Eh?" says I, after we've been supplied with rolls and sweet butter andice water. "Why the panic?"
"Spies!" he whispers husky.
"What, him?" says I, starin' after the innocent-lookin' party in thewhite apron.
"There's no telling," says Cecil. "One can't be too careful. And itwill be best, I think, for you to address me simply as Mr. Fothergill.As for the--er--goods you are producing, you might speak of themas--er--hams, you know."
I expect I gawped at him some foolish. Think of springin' all thatmystery dope right on Broadway! And, as I'm none too anxious to talkabout shells anyway, we don't have such a chatty luncheon. I'm just assatisfied. I wanted time to think what I should exhibit as the mainworks.
That Bayonne plant wa'n't much to look at, just a few sheds and a spurtrack. I hadn't been to the Yonkers foundry, but I had an idea it wa'n'tmuch more impressive. Course, there was the joint on East 153d Street.I knew that well enough, for I'd helped negotiate the lease.
It had been run by a firm that was buildin' some new kind of marinemotors, but had gone broke. Used to be a stove works, I believe.
Anyway, it's only a two-story cement-block affair, jammed in between somecar-barns on one side and a brewery on the other. Hot proposition totrot out as the big end of a six-million-dollar contract! But it was thebest I had to offer, and after the Lieutenant had finished his Oolong andlighted a cigarette I loads him into the limousine again and we shootsuptown.
"Here we are," says I, as we turns into a cross street just before itends in the East River. "The main works," and I waves my band aroundcasual.
"Ah, yes," says he, gettin' his eye on the tall brick stack of thebrewery and then lettin' his gaze roam across to the car-barns.
"Temporary quarters," says I. "Kind of miscellaneous, ain't they?Here's the main entrance. Let's go in here first." And I steers himthrough the office door of the middle buildin'. Then I hunts up thesuperintendent.
"Just takin' a ramble through the works," says I. "Don't bother. We'llfind our way."
Some busy little scene it is, too, with all them lathes and things goin',belts whirrin' overhead, and workmen in undershirts about as thick asthey could be placed.
I towed Cecil in and out of rooms, up and down stairs, until he must havebeen dizzy, and ends by leadin' him into the yard.
"Storage sheds," says I, pointin' to the neat rows of shell-cases piledfrom the ground to the roof. "And a dozen motor-trucks haulin' 'em awayall the time."
The Lieutenant he inspects some of 'em, lookin' wise; and then he walksto the back, where there's a high board fence with barbed wire on top."What's over there?" says he.
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"Blamed if I know," says I.
"It's rather important," says he. "Let's have a look."
I didn't get the connection, but I helped him shove a packin'-case upagainst the fence, so he could climb up. For a minute or so he stares,then he ducks down and beckons to me.
"I say," he whispers. "Come up here. Don't show your head. There!What do you make of that?"
So I'm prepared for something tragic and thrillin'. But all I can see isan old slate-roofed house, one of these weather-beaten, dormer-windowedrelics of the time when that part of town was still in the suburbs.There's quite a big yard in the back, with a few scrubby old pear trees,a double row of mangy box-bushes, and other traces of what must have beena garden.
In the far corner is a crazy old summer-house with a saggin' roof and thesides covered with tar paper. There's a door to it, fastened with a bigred padlock.
Standin' on the back porch of the house are two of the help, so I judged.One is a square-built female with a stupid, heavy face, while the otheris a tall, skinny old girl with narrow-set eyes and a sharp nose.
"Well," says I, "where's your riot?"
"S-s-s-sh!" says he. "They're up to some mischief. One of them ishiding something under her shawl. Watch."
Sure enough, the skinny one did have her left elbow stuck out, and therewas a bulge in the shawl.
"Looks like a case of emptyin' the ashes," says I.
"Or of placing a bomb," whispers the Lieutenant.
"Mooshwaw!" says I. "Bomb your aunt! What for should they--"
"Look now!" he breaks in. "There!"
They're advancin' in single file, slow and stealthy, and gazin' aroundcautious. Mainly they seem to be watchin' the back fire-escapes of theflat buildin' next door, but now and then one of 'em turns and glancestowards the old house they've just left. They make straight for theshack in the corner of the yard, and in a minute more the fat one hasproduced a key and is fumblin' with the red padlock.
She opens the door only far enough to let the slim one slip in, thenstands with her back against it, her eyes rollin' first one way and thenthe other.
Two or three minutes the slim one was in there, then she slides out, thedoor is locked, and she scuttles off towards the house, the wide onewaddlin' behind her.
"My word!" gasps the Lieutenant. "Right against the wing of yourfactory, that shed is. And a bomb of that size would blow it intomatch-wood."
"That's so," says I.
Course, we hadn't really seen any bomb; but, what with the odd notions ofthem two females and the Lieutenant's panicky talk, I was feelin' almostjumpy myself.
"A time-fuse, most likely," says he, "set for midnight. That should giveus several hours. We must find out who lives in that house."
"Ought to be simple," says I. "Come on."
We chases around the block and rings up the janitor of the flat buildin'.He's a wrinkled, blear-eyed old pirate, just on his way to the cornerwith a tin growler.
"Yah! You won't git in to sell him no books," says he, leerin' at us.
"Think so?" says I, displayin' a quarter temptin'. "Maybe if we had hisname, though, and knew something about him, we might--"
"It's Bauer," says the janitor, eyein' the two bits longin'. "Herman Z.Bauer; a big brewer once, but now--yah, an old cripple. Gout, they say.And mean as he is rich. See that high fence? He built that to shut offour light--the swine! Bauer, his name is. You ask for Herman Bauer.Maybe you get in."
"Thanks, old sport," says I, slippin' him the quarter. "Give him yourbest regards, shall I?"
And as he goes off chucklin' the Lieutenant whispers hoarse:
"Hah! I knew it. Bauer, eh? And to-night he'll be sitting at one ofthose back windows, his ears stuffed with cotton, watching to see yourplant blown up. We must have the constables here right away."
"On what charge?" says I. "That two of the kitchen maids was seen intheir own back yard? You know you can't spring that safety-of-the-realmstuff over here. The police would only give us the laugh. We got tohave something definite to tell the sergeant. Let's go after it."
"But I say!" protests Cecil. "Just how, you know?"
"Not by stickin' here, anyway," says I. "Kick in and use your bean, ismy program. Come along and see what happens."
So first off we strolls past and has a look at the place. It's shut inby a rusty iron fence with high spiked pickets. The house sets well backfrom the sidewalk, and the front is nearly covered by some sort of vine.At the side there are double gates openin' into a grass-grown driveway.
I was just noticin' that they was chained and locked when the Lieutenantgives me a nudge and pulls me along by the coat sleeve. I gets a glimpseof the square-built female waddlin' around the corner of the house. Wepasses by innocent and hangs up in front of a plumbery shop, starin' inat a fascinatin' display of one bathtub and a second-hand hot-waterboiler. Out of the corner of my eye, though, I could see her scout upand down the street, unfasten the gate, and then disappear.
"Huh!" says I. "Kitchen company expected."
"Or more conspirators," adds Cecil. "By Jove! Isn't this one now?"
There's no denyin' he looked the part, this short-legged, long-armed,heavy-podded gent with the greasy old derby tilted rakish over one ear.Such a hard face he has, a reg'lar low-brow map, and a neck like achoppin'-block. His stubby legs are sprung out at the knees, and hisarms have a good deal the same curve.
"Built like a dachshund, ain't he?" I remarks.
"Quite so," says Fothergill. "See, he's stopping. And he has a bundleunder one arm."
"Overalls," says I. "Plumber, maybe."
"Isn't that a knife-handle sticking out of the end of the bundle?" asksthe Lieutenant.
So it was; a butcher knife, at that. He has stopped opposite the doublegates and is scowlin' around. Then he glances quick at the house. Aside shutter opens just then and a dust-cloth is shaken vigorous. Seein'which, he promptly pushes through the gates.
"Ha!" says the Lieutenant. "A signal. He'll be the one to attach thefuse and light it, eh?"
Well, I admit that up to that time I hadn't been takin' all this veryserious, discountin' most of Cecil's suspicions as due to an over-workedimagination. But now I'm beginnin' to feel thrills down my spine.
What if this was a bomb plot? Some sort of bunk was being put overhere--no gettin' away from that. And if one of our shell factories wasin danger of being dynamited, here was my cue to make a medal play,wa'n't it?
"I am for telephoning the authorities at once," announces Cecil.
"Ah, you don't know our bonehead cops," says I. "Besides, if we canblock the game ourselves, what's the use? Let's get 'em in the act. I'mgoing to pipe off our friend with the meat-knife."
"I--I've only a .34-caliber automatic with me," says the Lieutenant,reachin' into his side pocket.
"Well, you don't want a machine-gun, do you?" says I. "And don't goshootin' reckless. Here, lemme get on the other side. Close to thehouse, now, on the grass, until we can get a peek around the--"
"S-s-s-sh!" says Cecil, grippin' my arm. He was strong on shushin' meup, the Lieutenant was. This time, though, he had the right dope; for afew steps more and we got a view of the back porch.
And there are the two maids, hand in hand, watchin' the motions of thesquatty gent, who is unlockin' the summer-house. He disappears inside.
At that Cecil just has to cut loose. Before I can stop him, he's steppedout, pulled his gun, and is wavin' it at the two females.
"I say, now! Hands up! No nonsense," he orders.
"Howly saints!" wails the square-built party, clutchin' the slim onedesperate. "Maggie! Maggie!"
Maggie she's turned pale in the gills, her mouth is hangin' open, and hereyes are bugged, but she ain't too scared to put up an argument.
"Have yez a warrant?" she demands. "Annyways, my Cousin Tim Fealey'll gobail for us. An' if it was that Swede janitor next door made thecomplaint on us I'll--"
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nbsp; "Woman!" breaks in the Lieutenant. "Don't you know that you have beenapprehended in a grave offense? You'd best tell all. Now, who put youup to this? Your master, eh?"
"Howly saints! Mr. Bauer!" groans the fat one.
"For the love of the saints, don't tell him!" says Maggie. "Don't tellMr. Bauer, there's a dear. It was off'm Cousin Tim we got it."
"That miscreant in the shed there?" asks the Lieutenant.
"Him?" says Maggie. "Lord love ye, no. That's only Schwartzenberger,from the slaughter-house. And please, Mister, it'll be gone themornin'--ivry bit gone."
"Oh, will it!" says Cecil sarcastic. "But you'll be in prison first."
"Wurra! Wurra!" moans the fat female. "Save us, Maggie! Let him haveit for the takin's."
"I will not, then," says Maggie. "Not if he's the president of the Boardof Health himself."
"Enough of this," says the Lieutenant. "Hands up, you bomb plotters!"
But about then I'd begun to acquire the hunch that we might be makin' aslight mistake, and that it was time for me to crash in. Which I does.
"Excuse me," says I; "but maybe it would help, Maggie, if you'd say rightout what it is you've got in the shed there."
"What is ut?" says she, tossin' her head defiant. "As though you didn'tknow! Well, it's a pig, then."
"A pig!" sneers the Lieutenant. "Very likely, that is!"
"Yez didn't think it was a hip-pot-ta-mus, did ye?" comes back Maggie."An' why should you be after botherin' us with your healthordinances--two poor girls that has a chance to turn a few pennies, withpork so dear? 'Look at all that good swill goin' to waste,' says I toKatie here. 'An' who's to care if I do boil some extra praties now an'then? Mr. Bauer's that rich, ain't he? An' what harm at all shouldthere be in raisin' one little shoat in th' back yard?' So there,Mister! Do your worst. An' maybe it's only a warnin' I'll get from th'justice when he hears how Schwartzenberger's killed and dressed and takenhim off before daylight. There he goes, the poor darlint! That's hislast squeal."
We didn't need to stretch our ears to catch it. I looks over at theLieutenant and grins foolish. But he wouldn't be satisfied until Maggiehad towed him out to view the remains. He's pink behind the ears when hecomes back, too.
"Please, Mister Inspector," says Maggie, "you'll not have us up thistime, will yez?"
"Bah!" says Cecil.
"Seein' it's you," says I, "he won't. Course, though, a report of thisplot of yours'll have to be made to the British War Office."
"Oh, I say now!" protests the Lieutenant.
And all the way down to his hotel he holds that vivid neck tint.
"Well," says Old Hickory, as I drifts back to the office, "did you andthe Lieutenant discover any serious plot of international character?"
"Sure thing!" says I. "We found a contraband Irish pig in Herman Bauer'sback yard.
"Wha-a-at?" he demands.
"If the pig had been a bomb, and its tail a time-fuse," says I, "it wouldhave wrecked our main works. As it, is, we've had a narrow escape. ButI don't think Cecil will bother us any more. He's too good for the army,anyway. He ought to be writin' for the movies."