Author: Sewell Ford
Category: Humorous
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CHAPTER X
WHEN AUNTIE CRASHES IN
You know Forty-seventh Street and Broadway, the northwest corner? Say,would you judge there was a specially foolish streak runnin' acrosstown about there? No, I don't see why there should be; only it wasexactly on that spot I was struck by the hunch that this kidnappin' actof Auntie's was a joke.
Now, look. A freckle-faced parlor pirate with no more credentials thana park pan-handler blows in from nowhere particular, and tells a wildyarn about buried treasure on the west cost of Florida. First off hegets Old Hickory Ellins, president of the Corrugated Trust andgenerally a cagey old boy, more or less worked up. Mr. Ellins turnshim over to me, with orders to watch him close while he's investigatin'the tale. Then, when I'm gabbin' free and careless about it to Vee,her Auntie sits there with her ear stretched. She wants to know whathotel I've left the Captain at. And the next mornin' he's gone. Alsoon other counts the arrow points to Auntie.
There I was, too, on my way back to Old Hickory, figurin' whether I'dbetter resign first and report afterwards, or just take my chances thatmaybe after he'd slept on it he wouldn't be so keen about seein' thisCaptain Killam again. Then the whole thing hit me on the funnybone.Haw-haw! Auntie, the sober old girl with the mixed-pickle disposition,suddenly comin' to life and pinchin' Old Hickory's find while he'stryin' to make up his mind whether it's phony or not. Auntie, of allpeople! More hearty haw-haws.
When I finally does drift into Old Hickory's private office and hemotions me to shut the door, I'm still registerin' merry thoughts.
"Well?" says he, snappin' it out crisp.
"You'd never guess," says I, smotherin' a chuckle.
"Eh?" says he, shootin' a puzzled glance at me from under themoverhangin' eyebrows of his. "Who wants to guess? What about CaptainKillam?"
"That's just it," says I. "He's flitted."
"Wha-a-at!" snorts Old Hickory. "You don't mean he has gone?"
"Uh-huh!" says I. "Been lured away. But say,"--here I indulges in mymost comic open-face movement,--"who do you suppose did the trick onus?"
Old Hickory stares at me and waves his cigar impatient. "Go on," hegrowls.
"You know Miss Vee's aunt," says I, "Mrs. Cornelia Hemmingway? Well,she's got him. Yep! Just naturally kidnapped him, I expect. I had mysuspicions of her the minute I found the Captain was gone. So I chasesright up there. She's out. The maid admits she went away with a partyanswerin' Killam's description. I wouldn't have been sure, though, ifI hadn't found a map of Florida on the lib'ry table and Nunca Secos Keymarked on it. Now, what do you know about that? Auntie! Ain't thatrich?"
No hilarity from Old Hickory--not even one of them cracked concretesmiles of his. He just sits there glarin' at me, missin' the comedycue altogether.
"Young man," says he, "just a moment before we get any further off thetrack. How did Mrs. Hemmingway happen to learn about Captain Killam?"
"Why," says I, "she had her ear out while, I was tellin' Miss Vee.Would you believe, though, that an old girl like her--"
"I would," says he. "Humorous as it may seem to you, I should creditalmost anyone with wanting to dig up several million dollars, if theycould find where it was hidden."
"But--" I begins.
"Besides Miss Verona and her aunt," goes on Old Hickory, "how manyothers have you made acquainted with what I was doing my best to keep asecret?"
"Not a soul," says I. "Honest!"
"Temporary paralysis of the tongue, eh?" he asks. "It's a wonder youdidn't have it published in the morning papers. Quite thoughtless ofyou. Hah!"
And say; next time I think I have a joke for Old Hickory I'll go downto Thirty-third Street and try it first on the statue of HoraceGreeley. If he rocks back and forth in his bronze chair and lifts theroof off the L station above, I'll know it may do to pass on to Mr.Ellins. Yep! That's just the way I feel about it.
"I expect I'm released on this case, then?" says I, after waitin' whileOld Hickory chews his cigar savage for a couple of minutes.
"No," he snaps out. "You've succeeded in losing Captain Killam; nowyou'll help find him again. I'll go with you this time. Come."
Seemed too simple for words at first, me and Mr. Ellins startin' out tohunt New York for a batty stranger in a blue flannel shirt. Bydegrees, though, I got the idea. It's the competition that has stirredhim up. Likely enough, he'd have turned Rupert and his scheme downcold if it hadn't been for that. But when Auntie crashes in, the caseis entirely different; then he's strong for it. Settin' that time-lockjaw of his and lightin' a fresh perfecto, Old Hickory grabs his hat;and off we go, with me trailin' along reluctant. His first move is tohail a taxi.
"Just goin' to cruise around town casual in the hopes of spottin' himon the fly, eh?" I asks.
"Hardly," says Mr. Ellins. "I'm not going to stand in the middle ofBroadway and whistle for him either, or throw out a hook and line andtroll. I think we will go first to Mrs. Hemmingway's, if you willkindly give the driver the number."
He can be more brutally polite than anyone I ever saw. I wasn'tenjoyin' that ride so much, and it's a relief when we pulls up at thecurb. I offers to run in and see if Auntie is back yet, but he won'thave it.
"Just lead the way, that's all," says he.
"Oh, very well," says I.
And when Helma, the maid, has used up all her hyphenated English inassurin' us that "Meesus" is still out, I rubs it in by shruggin' myshoulders and glancin' knowin' at him.
"Mees Verona, she coom," suggests Helma.
"Good!" says I. "I'd like a word with her, anyway."
Having just finished her canter in the park, Vee is still in her ridingtogs; and, take it from me, that's some snappy costume of hers. Maybeshe ain't easy to look at, too, as she floats in with the pink in hercheeks and her eyes sparklin'. Wish I could fit into a frock-coat likethat, or wear such shiny little boots. Even Old Hickory cheers up abit at sight of her.
"Why, Torchy!" says she, holdin' out her hand. "And Mr. Ellins!"
"Morning calls right along for me, after this," says I, sort of walkin'around her. "It's worth while."
"Old thing!" says she. "Don't be silly. But what is the matter?"
I glances at Mr. Ellins. "Shall I tell?" says I.
"As that seems to be your specialty," says he, "perhaps you had better."
"Yes, sir; thank you, sir," says I, salutin'.
Then I turns to Vee. "Seen Auntie this morning?" I asks.
"Why, no," says Vee. "I was up rather early, you know."
"Not so early as she was," says I. "What do you think she's done?Jumped in on that treasure hunt I was tellin' you of. She's pinchedRupert, and by now maybe they're on their way South."
Vee stares at me for a second, and then gives one of them ripply laughs.
"How crazy of you to think such a thing!" says she.
"Here's the evidence in the case," says I, pointin' to the map with thescribblin' on the side. "That's her writin', ain't it? And youremember her wakin' up and askin' questions, don't you?"
"Ye-e-es," admits Vee; "but I'm sure she hasn't--"
"She and the Captain are missing," says I. "That's what comes of mygettin' chatty about business affairs. I didn't dream, though, thatAuntie was such a plunger."
"I can't believe it," says Vee. "There's been some ridiculous mistake.But I can't imagine where she could have gone so early."
"Couldn't have had time to pack a trunk, could she?" I asks. "If notshe'd be coming back some time to-day. Shall we wait here a while, Mr.Ellins?"
"I think I prefer a meeting on neutral grounds," says he.
So we goes downstairs and paces up and down the sidewalk, watchin' theavenue traffic sleuthy.
"Course she wouldn't start off without baggage," I suggests.
"I'm not so certain," growls Old Hickory.
Ten minutes we waited--fifteen; and then I spots a yellow taxi rollin'up from downtown. Inside I gets a glimpse of a black straw lid w
ithpurple flowers on it.
"Here she comes!" I sings out to Old Hickory. "Yep, that's her! Andsay! The Captain's with her. Quick! Dive into our cab."
He's a little heavy on his feet, Mr. Ellins is, and someway he managesto get himself hung up on the cab door. Anyway, Auntie must have seenus doin' the wild scramble, and got suspicious; for, just as they gotalongside, she pounds on the front window, shouts something at thedriver, and instead of stoppin' the other taxi veers off and goessmokin' uptown.
"Hey!" yells Mr. Ellins to our driver. "Catch that yellow car! Tendollars if you catch it."
And you know it's just the chance of hearin' a few kind words like themthat these taxi pirates live for. This old coffee mill that Mr. Ellinshad hailed reckless could give out more groans and grinds and produceless speed than any other fare trap I was ever in. The connectin' rodswas wabbly on the shaft, the gears complained scandalous, and thehit-and-miss average of the cylinders was about 33 per cent.
But after a few preliminary jack-rabbit jumps she begun to get headway,and the next I knew our driver was leanin' over his wheel like he wasafter the Vanderbilt Cup. He must have been throwin' all his weight onthe juice button and slippin' his clutch judicious, for we sure wasbreezin' some. Inside of two blocks we'd eaten up half the lead andwas tearin' uptown like a battalion chief answerin' a third alarm. Iglances at Old Hickory to see if he's gettin' nervous at some of theclose shaves; but he's braced himself in one corner, his teeth sunkdeep into his cigar and his eyes glued on that yellow taxi ahead.
They was wise to the fact that we was after 'em, too. First Auntiewould rubber back at us, and then lean forward to prod up herchauffeur. A couple of rare old sports, them two, with no more worriesfor what might happen to their necks than if they'd been joy-ridersspeedin' home at 3 A.M. from the Pink Lady Inn.
Me, I was holdin' my breath and waitin' for the grand smash. IfAuntie's driver had stuck to a straightaway run we'd either caught 'emor smeared ourselves against a beer truck or something. But after thefirst mile he takes to dodgin'. Zip! he goes on two wheels around acorner.
"After him now!" orders Old Hickory. "I'll make it twenty if you don'tlet him get away."
"You're on!" says our speed maniac, and does a carom skid into a crossstreet that showed he didn't need any banked turns in his.
In and out we goes, east and west and up and down; now losin' sight ofthe yellow taxi altogether, then pickin' it up again; droppin' behind awhole block when the traffic broke bad for us, but makin' it up whensomething got in the way of the other cab.
Our gears was hummin' a reg'lar tomcat chorus, but with the throttlewide open the motor was hittin' on four most of the time.
Talk about your chariot race! Say, if we'd had Ben Hur aboard he'dbeen down on the floor, clawin' the mat. Twice we scraped fenders withpassin' cars, and you could have traced every turn we made by the wheelpaint we left on the curb corners. It was a game of gasolinecross-tag. We wasn't merely rollin'; we was one-stepping fox-trottin',with a few Loupovka motions thrown in for variety. And, at that,Auntie was holdin' the lead.
Down at Fifty-ninth, what does her driver do but swing into FifthAvenue, right in the thick of it. That was no bonehead play either,for if there's any one stretch in town where you can let out absolutelyreckless and get a medal for it, that's the place. Course, you got totake it in short spurts when you get the "go" signal, and that's whathe was doin'. I watched him wipe both ends of a green motor bus andsqueeze into a space that didn't look big enough for a baby carriage.
"Auntie must be biddin' up on the results, too," I remarks to Mr.Ellins. "There they duck through Forty-third."
"Try Forty-fourth," sings out Old Hickory. "In here!"
It was a poor guess, for when we hits Sixth Avenue there's no yellowtaxi in sight.
"Wouldn't Auntie's game be to double back home?" I suggests.
"We'll see," says Old Hickory, and gives the order to beat it uptownagain.
And, sure enough, just as we gets in sight of the apartment house,there's the other taxi, with Auntie haulin' Captain Killam out hasty.Before we can dash up and pile out, they've disappeared in thevestibule.
"Looks like we'd lost out by a nose," says I.
"Not yet," says Old Hickory. "I intend to see what those two mean bythis."
And after 'em we rushes.
But the one elevator was half way up when we fetches the gate. OldHickory puts his finger on the button and holds it there.
"They've stopped at the fourth," says I. "Now it'll be comin'-- No;it's goin' all the way to the roof!"
There it stayed, too, although Old Hickory shoots some spicy commandsup the elevator well.
"No use; he's been bought," says I. "What's the matter with thestairs? Only three flights."
"Good idea!" says Mr. Ellins; and up we starts.
He wouldn't break any stair-climbin' records in an amateur contest,though, and when he does puff on to the last landin' he's purple behindthe ears and ain't got breath enough left to make any kind of speech.So I tackles another interview with Helma.
"No," says she; "Meesus not coom yet."
"Ah, ditch the perjury stuff, Helma," says I. "Didn't we just followher in?"
"No coom yet," insists Helma in her wooden way.
That's all I can get out of her, too. It wasn't that she'd had ordersto say Auntie wasn't at home, or didn't care to receive just then.Helma sticks to the simple statement that Auntie hasn't come back.
"But say," I protests; "we just trailed her here. Get that? We wasright on her heels when she struck the elevator. And the Captain waswith her."
"No coom," says Helma, shakin' her head solemn.
"Why, you she-Ananias, you!" I gasps. "Do you mean to tell me that--"
"I beg pardon," says a familiar acetic acid voice behind us--and Iturns to see Auntie steppin' out of the elevator. "Were you lookingfor someone?" she goes on.
"You've guessed it," says I. "In fact, we was--"
"Madam," breaks in Mr. Ellins, "will you kindly tell me what you havedone with Captain Rupert Killam?"
"Certainly, Mr. Ellins," says Auntie. "Won't you step in?"
"I should prefer to be told here, at once," says Old Hickory.
"My preference," comes back Auntie, "if I must be cross-examined, is toundergo the process in the privacy of my own library, not in a publichallway."
Well, there was nothing else to it. We could either stay out there andstare at the door, or follow her in. So in we goes. And maybe Vee'sgray eyes don't open some wide as she views the procession streamin'in. She glances at me inquirin'. I throws up both hands and shakes myhead, indicatin' that it was beyond words.
"Now," says Auntie, liftin' her purple-decorated lid off one ear andtuckin' a stray lock into her back hair, "I will answer your question.I have just sent Captain Killam back to his hotel."
"The Illington?" demands Old Hickory.
"No," says Auntie. "It was my fancy that Captain Killam deservedrather better quarters than those you saw fit to provide. So I foundothers for him--just where, I do not care to say."
"But he came in here with you a moment ago," insists Old Hickory. "Howcould you--"
"I'm next!" says I. "You smuggles him over the roof and down theelevator in the next building. Wasn't that how you gave us the slip?"
Auntie indulges in one of them lemony, tight-lipped smiles of hers."You have exposed my poor strategy," says she; "but a little late, Itrust."
Mr. Ellins makes her a bow.
"Mrs. Hemmingway," says he, "my compliments on your cleverness as atactician. But I fail to see how you justify your methods. You knewthat I was negotiating with Captain Killam?"
"Oh, yes," says she.
"And in spite of that," goes on Mr. Ellins, "you induce him to breakhis word to me and you hide him in another hotel."
"Something like that," admits Auntie, squarin' her jaw. "Why not, Mr.Ellins?"
"Why, Auntie!" gasps Vee.
"Verona!" says Auntie, shootin' over a reprovin' look.
"But see here," protests Old Hickory. "I was arranging with this manto fit out a treasure-hunting expedition. He had made a verbalcontract with me. Just because you over-heard my plans, you had noright to take advantage. You can't do that sort of thing, you know."
"Oh, can't I?" sneers Auntie, lookin' him straight in the eye. "But Ihave, you see."
And that's one of the few times I ever saw Old Hickory Ellins squirm ata come-back. He pinks up some, too; but he keeps a grip on his temper.
"Then you--you intend financing this somewhat doubtful enterprise?" heasks. "A man you know nothing about, too. Suppose he never comesback?"
"I shall go along myself," says Auntie.
"You?" says Old Hickory. "To dig for buried treasure!"
"I have always wanted to do something of the kind," says Auntie."True, I may not look like that sort of a person, and I suppose that Ido lead rather a dull, commonplace existence. Not from choice,however. Once I was ship-wrecked in the Mediterranean, and I found ita thrilling experience. Also I once spent nearly a week on asnow-bound train in the Rockies; I would not have missed that foranything. And if Captain Killam can lead me to genuine adventures, Iam going to follow. So there you have it! All you saw in his story, Ipresume, was a chance to add to your millions. The romance of thething, the mystery of that forgotten little island with its long hiddenpirate hoard, never appealed to you in the least."
"Oh, didn't it!" says Old Hickory.
For a second or so he stares over her head at the wall beyond, andaround his grim mouth corners come softer lines than I'd ever seenthere before. Then, all of a sudden, he adds:
"You'll need a roomy, light-draught yacht."
"We were just going to look for one," says Auntie. "I was returningfor my checkbook when you interfered."
"That was a rather lively pace you set for us," almost chuckles OldHickory.
"I have never enjoyed a ride more," says Auntie. "My blood is stilltingling from it."
"And mine," says Mr. Ellins. "We nearly overhauled you once. Did yourcab hit anything?"
"Only the hub of an ashcart," says she. "We lost part of a frontfender. And once a traffic policeman tried to arrest us. We rushedhim, though."
"Auntie!" comes from Vee husky, as she drops back on a window seat.But Auntie takes no notice.
"I say," goes on Old Hickory, "has Killam shown you the jewelry he dugfrom the mound?"
Auntie nods. "It is genuine antique," says she, "the Louis Treizeperiod, one piece. If there is much like that, no collection in theworld can match it."
"Hm-m-m-m!" says Old Hickory. "I am rather interested in that sort ofthing myself. Then there is the bullion. Of course, if it should turnout to be part of the Louisiana Purchase money, and it became knownthat it had been recovered, I suppose the federal government would stepin, perhaps claim the larger share."
"That would be an outrage," says Auntie. "There's no sense in that,not a bit. You--you mean you would give the information--that is,unless--"
"I never make threats," says Old Hickory, "even when I think I havebeen cheated out of doing something I've wanted all my life to have atry at."
It's Auntie's turn to stare at him. And hanged if she don't sort ofmellow up.
"Really?" says she. "I--I had no idea. And it would be fun, wouldn'tit, sailing off for that enchanted coast to hunt for a real treasureisland?"
"'Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum!'" roars out Mr. Ellins.
It's the battiest remark I ever heard him make. I was lookin' forAuntie to throw some sort of a fit. But she don't. She comes nearerchucklin' than anything else.
"Mr. Ellins," says she, "I think perhaps I have misjudged you. AndI--I suppose I really ought not to attempt such a thing alone. Shallwe--er--"
"Why not?" says he, reachin' out his hand. "Share and share alike."
"Agreed!" says Auntie. "And now, suppose we get the Captain and lookfor that yacht."
They was so anxious to get at it that they chases off without a word toeither Vee or me. She just sits there starin' after 'em.
"Did anyone ever hear of anything quite so absurd?" says Vee.
"I don't know," says I. "I never worked in a filbert factory myself.I'm sure of one thing, though. With them two on the job, it's goin' tobe put up to Rupert to come across."