"With regards to what?" she asked, straightening. She was hoping for more information on Elliott aside from the gossip that he'd been spotted in various casinos throughout Europe, and the few mentions Alex had made of the substantial sums he'd sent home. She missed Elliott.
"It's something he said a while ago," Alex answered. "I overheard him say it, actually. He told a friend that my salvation was that I felt nothing too deeply. What would he think of me now, undone by a tumble with a seductive delusional hysteric?"
"It was unfair of Elliott to say such a thing," she answered. She meant it. There was something so undeniably good in Alex, so undeniably innocent.
"Was it?" Alex asked. "Perhaps not. Not when he was convinced the person about whom he was saying it had no real feelings."
"But you are a man of deep feelings, Alex. That much is very clear. And if anything, this painful experience you had in Cairo, it's left you with a new sensitivity that you should embrace. I dare say, many women might find it very attractive." Alex smiled and averted his eyes like a young boy. "You see, sometimes, Alex, we have to lose things to learn compassion. And sometimes we are overcome by change that arrives with some measure of violence, but leaves us transformed for the better."
"Like your new eyes, for instance," he said.
"Perhaps."
"Do you remember what you said to me on the ship that night? When I made such a fool of myself quarreling with Ramsey over Egyptian history?"
"I'm afraid I only remember the quarrel."
"What is your passion?" he said, quoting her. "That's what you said to me. You asked me what my joy was. My passion. And in the moment, I couldn't answer. You don't remember?"
"I do now. Yes."
"It's to be loved, Julie. It's to be loved as that woman loved me. Or seemed to love me. I'd never known that kind of passion, that kind of devotion, before. In some sense, it's why I was able to set you free so easily upon
our return. Because it was clear you'd never felt for me the way that woman did, and after she died, all I wanted was to be loved that way again. And every time I hear you or Ramsey say that her love was born of madness, my heart breaks again."
Better to believe she was mad, Julie thought, than to know you were her pawn.
But was she? What did Julie truly know of Cleopatra's murderous clone? What did she know aside from that awful moment of believing her life would end at the woman's hands? Had the creature in question felt genuine desire for Alex? Had she felt a love for him that was as frenzied and irrational yet genuine as her desire to exact revenge on Ramses?
She didn't know the answers to any of the questions, and she doubted she would ever learn them. Better yet, she hoped she would never learn them. To do so would mean encountering that awful creature again.
For now, she had no choice but to let Alex believe the flames had claimed her.
To let him believe that someday he would rekindle just as ferocious a passion but with a woman of pure heart.
*
Alex seemed in better spirits when they emerged from the hotel onto the crowded sidewalk. He pulled his silver pocket watch from his jacket and checked the time.
"No word yet on whether my father will return for our party," Alex said. There was warmth in the way he said the words. Our party. And so he wasn't hosting the event out of some grim sense of obligation, a desire to save face. This cheered her. "I think my father misses your father terribly and wants some time alone."
"Of course," said Julie. "But I hope Elliott will return. At least, I hope he'll consider it, and I hope you're urging him to in your letters."
"Indeed, I will. It took some work finding him. He's always on the move, it seems. He didn't linger very long in Cairo after we all left. I'm afraid the cable I sent him just sat there. I finally caught up with him at one of his favorite hotels in Rome. He cabled back to say he'd be in Monte Carlo within the week. I sent him a rather long letter there. No response yet. Here's hoping it reached him. It makes me rather nervous, I must admit. To have him abroad with all this talk of war.
"Mother, on the other hand, is beside herself with excitement. She's back from Paris. I don't believe she's spent this much time at our country estate in years. By the time she's finished her preparations, all of Yorkshire will be excited to celebrate you and Mr. Reginald Ramsey as a happily engaged couple."
"It's so very dear of you both to do this," Julie said. "Truly, Alex."
"Consider it an outgrowth of my new sensitivity."
He graced her with a polite peck on the cheek.
"Where's the Rolls?" he asked. "Didn't Edward drive you?"
"Oh, I decided to walk."
"My. That's a great distance. You don't want me to see you home?"