Author: Don Marquis
Category: Humorous
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wealthy women had been
financing the movement and
it interested him
czar i said you cannot be both
the czar and a
bolshevist at the same
time i would like to know
why not he retorted
the combination of royal blood
and anarchy should prove
irresistible just think of it
a czar turned bolshevist
besides i could get recognized a
good deal quicker as a bolshevist than
as the czar i have been
so hampered by not being able
to make a proper front as a
czar even a deposed czar
who miraculously escaped
execution and no one will
advance me enough money to get my
trunks from siberia
archy he said
can you not influence your boss
to introduce me to his
friend hermione from what i have
heard of her she should have a
russian bolshevist
on exhibition czar i said i
do not feel at liberty to
make such a request the
only time i ever met
hermione she tried to step on
me well boss whatever
happens i hope the czars luck
changes pretty soon and
by changing i mean taking a
turn for the better it
could not get any worse some
one gave him a flask of whiskey
the other day and he has lost
faith in his destiny to such an
extent that he has been
afraid to drink it all there
is one drink left in it
and he says if i drink that
i will never get any more
maybe and so instead of
drinking it he sets the
bottle up and worships it
APRIL 2
I Left There Too Soon
well boss looking
at the reports from
france it seems to
me that likely i left
there too soon
either something is
going to happen
there or something
is not but
what it is no
one seems to be
quite sure
it looked to
me when i left
as if everyone
wanted peace
and so i thought
there would be
peace but now it
seems that there must
be things that
certain persons
want worse than
they want
peace i have lost
the czar
APRIL 7
Classed with Fleas
well boss i went up
to the circus
the other day
and tried to hire
out what do you
want they asked me a
job as an animal
or a job as an artist
an artist said i
what can you do they
said i can
walk the wire i said
either tight or slack
and i can swing
head downward from the
flying trapeze we do not
doubt it they said
but who could see
you at a distance
every one said i if you
gave them telescopes
and opera glasses it
is too expensive said they
to furnish opera
glasses to every one
just to see a cockroach
perform not at all
i said you sell the
glasses and make an
additional profit
you go out and hire
yourself out to a
trained flea outfit
said they we cannot use
you i consider it
an insult i replied to
be classed with
fleas you should consider
it a compliment said they
another word from you
i said and i
will die in a barrel
of your lemonade and
queer your show
and with this threat
the interview closed
MAY 28
A Home among the Casks
well boss i have been
taking a little vacation
myself i got rather
weary of it but i had to
stick it out as long as you
did i put in my time trying to
find a home that would
do to settle down in after the
first of july it is not
the rent that bothers me but i
desire to live in
juxtaposition to some
cache of liquid supplies i
found several such but
unfortunately the
stuff was all in bottles i cannot
pull a cork if anyone knows of any
sort of mechanism which will enable
an ordinarily strong cockroach to
pull a cork will he or she
please communicate by
return mail what i need
is a home among the casks but
no one who is storing it seems to
be storing it in casks i
do not ask you boss to
direct me to a cellar full of
casks for i am sure
that you do not know of such a
place if you did
you would not tell me you
would go and
live there yourself
it is possible that some one
may figure out a way to
put little steel tips on my
front feet so that i
could dig through a cork it
would be slow uncertain work but
after the first of july
many of us will be willing to give
the time to it
we will have time to figure out how
to get a drink then because
we will use the time we formerly
devoted to drinking some
slavish spirits of course will
simply give up and
go to work is there not some kind of
gimlet that i could attach to my head
and bore through a cork with i
make no direct appeal to you
boss to keep me supplied you
are going to have
troubles of your own if the
worst comes to the worst i can go
to the west indies but
they breed a tribe of cockroaches in
those latitudes that is
coarse roughnecked
vigorous and wild i am
frankly afraid to associate with them
i have seen some of them
getting off the ships
good heavens to think that they
would amend the constitution of the
united states just to
be the death of one poor little
cockroach it may seem like
an anti climax to you but to me
it is a tragedy
you can drop a raisin in a bottle of
grape juice and make something
of it but who is there to uncork
grapejuice bottles for me
MAY 30
Help I Can Give the Worried Housewife
what is all this
trouble about the
servant question i
should think the
best possible solution
would occur to
anyone it
came to me after only
a moments thought
the solution is
to buy what
you want to eat
at the delicatessen
store and then
when you are through
eating throw
the scraps in the
corner get hold of
twenty or thirty
industrious cockroaches
to eat the scraps
this does away
with the necessity
of a maid
to cook or clean up
and you cannot imagine
how grateful
the cockroaches would
be every problem
is capable of
solution if people will
only put their
minds to it the
trouble is however that
so many people
have such conventional
minds i have
always been interested
in sociology and
in fact all games of
chance and any
help i can give the
worried housewife is here
for the asking i
will lead a detachment
of thirty cockroaches
into any apartment
that may be designated
at a moments notice
JUNE 6
In Spite of H Dash Double L
well boss i saw
mehitabel the cat the other day
and she was looking a little
thin and haggard
with a limp in
the hind leg on the starboard
side old feline animal i said
how is tricks still in the
ring archy she said and still a
lady in spite of h dash double l
always jolly archy she said in
spite of hard luck
toujours gai is the word
archy toujours gai how did you
get the game leg mehitabel i asked her
alas she said it is due
to the treachery of
one of these social swells who
is sure one bad actor he was a
fussed up cat with a
bell around his neck on a
ribbon and the look about him of
a person that is currycombed and
manicured from teeth to
tail every day i met him
down by the east river
front when i was scouting
about for a little piece of fish since
the high cost of living has
become so self conscious archy
it would surprise you
how close they
watch their fish nowadays
but what the h dash double l archy
it is the cheerful heart that
wins i am never cast down for long
kid says this gilded
feline to me you look hungry i
am all of that i says to him i
have a vacuum in my midst
that is bigger than i am i
could eat the fish that ate
jonah kid he says you have
seen better days i can
tell that from looking at you thanks
i said what you say is at
least half true i have never
seen any worse ones and so
archy one word led to
another until that sleek villain
practically abducted me
and i went with him
on board a houseboat of which
he was the pampered mascot
such evidences of pomp and wealth archy
were there that you would not
believe them if i told of them to
you poor cockroach that you
are but these things were nothing to me
for i am a reincarnation of cleopatra
as i told you long ago you mean
her soul transmigrated to a cat s
body i said it is
all one archy said she have it your own
way reincarnation or transmigration
is the same to me the point is
i used to be a queen in
egypt and will likely be one again
this place was furnished swell percy i
said the furniture is
fine and i could eat some of it if
i was a saw mill but
where is the honest to g dash d food
the eats percy what i crave is
some cuisine for my stomach let us
trifle with an open ice box
for a space if one can be
persuaded to divulge the scheme of its
interior decoration follow me
said this percy thing and led
me to a cabin in which stood a table upon
which stood viands i
have heard of tables groaning archy
but this one did not it
was too satisfied it purred with
contentment in an instant i had eaten a
cold salmon who seemed to be
toastmaster of the occasion and a
whole scuttleful of chef doovers what
you mean is hors douvres mehitabel i
told her what i mean is grub said she
when in walked a person whom
i should judge to be either a butler
or the admiral of that fleet or maybe
both this percy creature who had led me
to it was on the table eating with me
what do you think he did what
would any gentleman friend with a
spark of chivalry do what but stand by
a lady this percy does nothing of the
kind archy he immediately attacks me do
you get me archy he acts as if i
was a stray cat he did not
know and he was protecting his
loving masters food from my onslaughts
i do not doubt he got praise and had
another blue ribbon for his heroism as
for me i got the boot and as i went
overboard they hit me on the limb with
a bottle or an anchor or something
nautical and hard that archy is why i
limp but toujours gai archy what
the h dash double l i am always
merry and always ladylike mine archy has
been a romantic life and i will
tell you some more of my adventures
ere long well au revoir i suppose i
will have to go and start a pogrom
against some poor innocent little
mouse just the same i think
that mehitabel s unsheltered life sometimes
makes her a little sad
JULY 24
Galoshes for Cockroaches
do you know of
any firm that specializes
in galoshes for cockroaches
it would be a
graceful deed if
you were to give me a
pair for my birthday
or a little motor boat
would do i
tried to get on the subway
train to go up town the
other day but a
cascade caught me on the
steps and carried
me onto the
tracks when i stopped
floating i was in
brooklyn
AUGUST 6
A Poem in the Kipling Manner1
“Where have you been so long? And what on earth do you mean by coming in here soused?” we asked Archy as he zigzagged from the door to the desk.
He climbed onto the typewriter keys and replied indignantly:
soused yourself i havent had a drink
and yet i am elevated i admit it i have
been down to a second hand book
store eating a lot of kiplings earlier<
br />
poetry it always excites me if i eat
a dozen stanzas of it i get all lit up
and i try to imitate it get out of my
way now i feel a poem in the kipling
manner taking me
And before we could stop him he began to butt on the keys:
the cockroach stood by the mickle
wood in the flush of the astral dawn
We interrupted. “Don’t you mean Austral instead of astral?” Archy became angered and wrote peevishly:
i wrote astral and i meant astral
you let me be now i want to get this
poem off my chest you are jealous if
you were any kind of a sport at all
you would fix this machine so i could
write it in capitals it is a poem about
a fight between a cockroach and a
lot of other things get out of my way
im off
the cockroach stood by the mickle
wood in the flush of the astral dawn
and he sniffed the air from the hidden
lair where the khyber swordfish spawn
and the bilge and belch of the glutton
welsh as they smelted their warlock cheese
surged to and fro where the grinding
floe wrenched at the headlands knees
half seas over under up again
and the barnacles white in the moon
the pole stars chasing its tail like a pup again
and the dish ran away with the spoon
the waterspout came bellowing out of
the red horizons rim
and the grey typhoon and the black
monsoon surged forth to the
fight with him
with three fold might they surged to
the fight for they hated the great
bull roach
and they cried begod as they lashed
the sod and here is an egg to
poach
we will bash his mug with his own raw
lug new stripped from off his
dome
for there is no law but teeth and claw
to the nor nor east of nome
the punjab gull shall have his skull
ere he goes to the burning ghaut
for there is no time for aught but crime
where the jungle lore is taught
across the dark the afghan shark is
whining for his head
there shall be no rule but death and
dule till the deep red maws are
fed
half seas under up and down
again
and her keel was blown off in a
squall
girls we misdoubt that we ll ever
see town again
haul boys haul boys haul.
“Archy,” we interrupted, “that haul, boys, is all right to the eye, but the ear will surely make it hall boys. Better change it.”