Author: Don Marquis
Category: Humorous
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you are jealous you let me alone im off again
the cockroach spat and he tilted his
hat and he grinned through the
lowering mirk
the cockroach felt in his rangoon belt
for his good bengali dirk
he reefed his mast against the blast
and he bent his mizzen free
and he pointed the cleats of his bin
nacle sheets at the teeth of the
yesty sea
he opened his mouth and he sluiced
his drouth with his last good
can of swipes
begod he cried they come in pride but
they shall go home with the
gripes
begod he said if they want my head it
is here on top of my chine
it shall never be said that i doffed my
head for the boast of a heathen
line
and he scorned to wait but he dared
his fate and loosed his bridle rein
and leapt to close with his red fanged
foes in the trough of the
screaming main
from hell to nome the blow went home
and split the firmament
from hell to nome the yellow foam
blew wide to veil the rent
and the roaring ships they came to
grips in the gloom of a dripping
mist
“Archy,” we interrupted again, “is there very much more of it? It seems that you might tell in a very few words now who won the fight, and let it go at that. Who did win the fight, Archy?”
But Archy was peeved, and went sadly away, after writing:
of course you wont let me finish i never saw as
jealous a person as you are
AUGUST 13
Put Me in the Movies
boss i wish you would
make arrangements to put me
into the movies a
lot of people who are no
handsomer in the face than i
am are drawing millions of
dollars a year i
have always felt that i
could act if i
were given the chance and a
truly refined cockroach might
be a novelty but do not pay
any attention to the
wishes of mehitabel the cat along
this line mehitabel
told me the other day that several
firms were bidding against
each other for her
services i would be the greatest
feline vamp in the
history of the screen said
mehitabel wot the hell archy
wot the hell ain t i a
reincarnation of cleopatra and
dont the vamp stuff come quite
natural to me i will say it
does but i have refused all
offers archy up to
date they must pay me
my price the
truth is that mehitabel hasnt a
chance and she is not a
steady character by the way
here is a piece of political news
for you mehitabel tells me that
the cats in greenwich
village and the adjoining
neighborhoods are forming soviets now
they are going in for bolshevism
her soviet she says
meets in washington mews
they are for the nationalization
of all fish markets
AUGUST 14
The Best Thing You Have Done Yet
i called on some friends in a
studio building the other evening and
while we were foraging about
for something to eat
we got caught on a
palette smeared over with all
the colors there are
leaping from this danger seven
or eight of us
landed upon an untouched canvas
that stood upon an easel
nearby waiting for the masters hand
and we walked across the
canvas on our way out of that
place it seems that we builded
better than we knew before
we could get to any safer place
than a spot behind a
gas radiator we heard human footsteps
approaching and an
instant later two men entered the
studio one of them switched on
the lights and the
other gave an exclamation of
pleasure and astonishment by jove
tommy he said to the owner of
the studio what is this new thing
of yours on the easel it is
the best thing you have done yet
i thought you were against
modernism and all
the new fangled stuff1 but i see
that you have come over to the new
school your style has
loosened up wonderfully old kid
i always said that if you
could only get away from the stiffness
and absurdity of the
conventional schools you had the
makings of a great painter in
you what do you call this
picture tommy
well said tommy with rare
presence of mind i have not
named it yet it is not altogether in
the newer mode you will observe i
have been struggling for a
compromise between the two methods
that would at the same time
allow me to express my
individuality on canvas i do
think myself that i have got more
freshness and directness into this
thing you have said his friend
it has the direct and naive approach
of the primitives and it
also has all that is
worthy to be retained of the
reticent sophistication of
the post pre raphaelites but what
do you say you are going to
call it it is said tommy as
you see a nocturne i have
been thinking of calling it
impressions of brooklyn
bridge in a fog and when his
friend went out he stood and looked at
the picture for a long time and
said now i wonder who in
hell slipped in here and did that it
is nothing short of genius could
i have done it myself when i
was drunk i must have done so
anyhow i will sign it and
taking up a brush he did so well i
stole a look at the canvas
myself and it looked like nothing
on earth to me but a canvas over
which a lot of cockroaches had
walked i may be a
critic but still i know what i
dont like yours for another
renaissance of the arts every
spring and every autumn
AUGUST 19
Archy Is Still on Strike
We have received a communication from Archy, who went on strike forty-eight hours ago, desiring us to state that he is not backed by any association of contributors but that he is striking on his own initiative. We think it is only fair to the poor misguided cockroach to give his statement to the public. We do not print it as a contribution from him, because, until he has formally withdrawn the outrageous demands which he made upon us the other day, no article signed by him shall appear ever again. To print signed articles by him would be, in effect, to recognize his organization; and this we shall never do.
We present an article by a new cockroach named Henry. Henry has not had as much practice at the typewriter keyboard as Archy, and he mana
ges to hit a capital letter now and then, without always being able to hit the right capital; but we can assure our readers that he is learning rapidly. Henry is at least trying to punctuate; Archy always made the contention that no cockroach could ever learn to punctuate and refused to try. Archy’s failure to punctuate influenced a great many persons against him. Henry may be a little more difficult than Archy was, for a few days, but he is ambitious and in the end he will be better than Archy.
We present Henry:
a communication from henry
well, be as TH, is is? seerious
allthis labor dis CONtent
I wonders wHere IT wiLL enD
i sh ould not
CarE toprophesy?
but the greaTest dePrivation i
feel, is in t he Loss OF thE
suBway sUn i usEd 2 GET a LL
my NEWS froM the Subway suN but,
siNce the subWAY has stop ped.
ruNNINg iaM at a LosS!
How wiLl We kNow the strike has
ended. if weDo noT reAd IT in
thesubwaY Sun
And How wilL we Read thesubwAY
suN unleSS The sTrike
ends. i WISH u would watcH
mehitaBEL the CAT? she IS
jEalous anD soRe because i
haVE taken arcHy?s j oB
And calLS me a scaB and
Last niGht tried to
eat me i deMAND poLice proTectioN?
heNry!
All statements made by Mehitabel the Cat, with regard to the strike of Archy, are to be viewed with suspicion. Her statement that she is herself on strike is false on the face of it, as Mehitabel has never been employed by this column, although she has occasionally been interviewed for it.
It seems not improper to state that Archy, himself, is picketing the office, and last evening when Henry left work Archy stopped him and made threats against him. Henry is very well able to take care of himself, but we have asked for a special police detail to protect him.
IF ARCHY INTRODUCES THE ELEMENT OF VIOLENCE INTO THE STRIKE, HE WILL BE SEVERELY DEALT WITH!
SIR: Now that Archy is gone, you may be able to get out a readable column again.—R. P.
SIR: Unless you can fix it up with Archy, count me off the subscription list. I hate to hurt anybody’s feelings, but I would rather see you take a long vacation yourself than to lose Archy.—WALT.
SIR: Unless you accede to Archy’s just demands all your readers will go on a sympathetic strike. It matters not about the other contributors. Let C. B. Gilbert, Benjamin deCasseres, and Clinton Scollard go. Or go yourself. But we gotter have Archy.—ELIZABETH.
SIR: There are three ways that the deplorable strike of Archy may end:
He may win.
You may win.
Or the pair of you may compromise.
I must say that I was horrified at the brutal capitalistic attitude taken up by you towards one of the brightest ornaments of modern American literature.
F. J. G.
AUGUST 20
Grin and Beer It
liFe is Not aLL jazz and Joy)
sMiles and suNNy weaTher!
EVERy golD has it’S aLloy!
toHOld tHe Stuff together!
lif LUCk is good! why maN aliVE!
weLcoMe iT! And ch eer iT!
buT if THE drinK’S two seven five
Try to griN! AND beer iT!
heNry!
Henry strikes us as being, on the whole, more cheerful than Archy.
As Henry left work last evening, he was attacked by a strange cockroach, no doubt a thug in the employ of Archy, who has been hanging about the building ever since Henry went on the job. The strange cockroach was easily disposed of, and Archy did not show himself in person.
We repeat what we said yesterday: If Archy is foolish enough to introduce violence into this strike, he will get his fill of it.
It has been reported to us that Archy has been drinking wood alcohol and is working himself into a rage against Henry. Candidly, we expect the worst. But the column is not to be intimidated.
HOW THE PUBLIC VIEWS THE STRIKE
SIR: I congratulate you on having got rid of Archy. Now maybe we can have some more Fothergil Finch. And what has become of Hermione, the Beautiful communist? Seriously, I have always felt that Archy was beneath the dignity of the column.
W. F. MARNER.
AUGUST 21
The Archy Strike
There is no offering from Henry today. Henry has disappeared. Frankly, we fear that Henry has been foully dealt with by a gang of rowdy cockroaches in the employ of Archy.
The column made an attempt at an early hour this morning to put another cockroach named Ernatz to work. Ernatz arrived at the office and succeeded in getting as far as the typewriter, but there he collapsed. An examination showed that Ernatz had been badly beaten up by the Archy faction in getting through the picket lines.
These picket lines have been extended by Archy and his gang until they now reach from the Press Club at Spruce and William up Spruce Street to Nassau, and down Nassau to what used to be the Umbrella Bar at the corner of Nassau and Beekman. We were informed today by an excited friend that he had seen thousands and thousands and thousands of cockroaches, led by Archy, hiding by the curbstones picketing this district, and that it seemed to him that they were maddened by benzine or something. They had chased him, he said, and he was so extraordinarily vivid and convincing in his recital and in his fright that we fancied, as he talked, that we could actually smell the benzine or something.
The column’s cockroach service has been interrupted for one day; but it will be resumed. We ask the public to be patient. As far as taking Archy back is concerned, that is now an impossibility; we are done with that ingrate forever.
We found on our desk this morning the following threat from the Archy faction, which we publish to show the public the length to which this creature is willing to go:
unless you yield to
archys demands the strike
will spread the water bugs
are going out in
sympathy with archy and the
vers libre poets union
are preparing a sympathetic
strike the public will know whom
to blame they will blame you
it is your capitalistic
attitude that is
prolonging the trouble take
warning by what
happened to henry and ernatz.
So far the Mayor, the District Attorney, and the Governor have done nothing—less than nothing. We demand protection for our contributors, or we shall have a word or two to say about these officials. Several of our contributors have been threatened—C. B. Gilbert, Benjamin DeCasseres, Edward S. Van Zile, H. W., Edward Hope, and the Editor of the column have all received threatening letters from the Archy faction.
Whither is this country drifting?
The column hesitates to adopt the expedient of employing strikebreakers and guards for the purpose of getting contributors through the Archy lines; but if it becomes necessary, it shall be done. A dozen tarantulas have been offered to us by a steamship company which maintains a line of boats between this port and South and Central America, and unless the cockroaches cease to interfere with our employees, or the proper authorities wake up and give us protection, we shall be obliged to accept this offer.
SIR: Restore the Archytect who made the column famous.
Our Mon-archy forever !!!—J. U. N.
SIR: I was amused at the suggestion of F. J. G. that Archy might win. The poor cockroach hasn’t even the chances of the proverbial snowball or the tallow cat hotly pursued by the asbestos pup. His chances are about those of law clerks on strike. My sympathies are with Archy as they surely are with law clerks, but roaches and law schools are equally prolific.—J. C.
SIR: Your column has so deteriorated that I shall never buy another EVENING SUN until this Archy business is settled in Archy’s favo
r.—STEADY READER
YOU CAN’T GET AWAY FROM HIM
SIR: At a fashionable Fifth avenue tea room tomato en surprise yielded the usual amount of celery, chicken, and mayonnaise. And deep down in the excavation I found the surprise. It was Archy.—H. D. M.
AUGUST 22
Call Archy Back
Don’t let Archy pine and die,
We miss his gracious art,
Don’t grudge him half an apple pie;
Recall him; have a heart!
Let me subscribe a dozen pies
And keep the column bright—
Call Archy back and compromise
Or kiss yourself good-night!
H. D.
AUGUST 21
An Injunction
LATEST STRIKE BULLETIN: The Sun Dial obtained an injunction to-day, commanding Archy to go back to work at his former terms, pending a settlement of the present troubles, so that cockroach service to the public would not be interrupted and millions of persons deprived of this essential part of their daily life. When the papers were served upon Archy and his faction they tore them, and then, in contempt of the court and its enjoining order, ate them. This shows the desperate character of these criminals.
AUGUST 23
Archy Gets a 50 Per Cent Increase
Archy agreed this morning to return to work, for at least a week, pending a final adjustment of the difficulties between him and the column.
Archy’s demands were for a piece of apple pie once a week and for larger type for his contributions.