Author: Don Marquis
Category: Humorous
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These demands will be considered in the final adjustment.
In the meantime, and pending the final adjustment, Archy returns on the basis of a 50 per cent increase in salary.
It is our contention that a 50 per cent increase is a very liberal increase, indeed, and that this temporary settlement should be a permanent settlement.
We admit that the public has been with Archy during the recent troubles. And it was only the pressure of public opinion that influenced us to take him back at all.
But, having decided that we must yield, we determined to come across handsomely.
THE 50 PER CENT INCREASE IN SALARY WAS OUR OWN SUGGESTION.
AND, ON OUR OWN INITIATIVE, WE HAVE MADE THIS INCREASE RETROACTIVE.
That is to say, not only does Archy get the 50 per cent increase during the week before the final adjustment, but we have volunteered to give it to him during the period covered by the strike, and for a term of two weeks prior to the strike.
We print, below, Archy’s own comment upon the temporary settlement:
A COMMUNICATION FROM ARCHY
well boss you see
where you stand now i hope the
public cannot get along
without me
i have won a moral victory
for you have agreed in
principle that i
should have a raise in
salary i will have to
think over it a
long time however before i
will consent to a 50 per cent
raise as a permanent settlement
and will have to take
advice it seems like a very
generous proposition on the
face of it but at the same time
i dont think it is
altogether right the figures look
good but i am puzzled you
see i was not getting any salary at
all when i quit work and if
i got a raise of
50 per cent above that the
question is what do i get
i would much rather have a
little something to eat every
week than all these figures but
at the same time i
must admit that a 50 per cent
raise looks good
on paper especially as you are
willing to make it
retroactive maybe the
retroactive part means that i
will get a little something
to eat at any rate it is easy
to see that i have won a most
important victory i would be willing
to make a permanent
settlement on the basis of
a 25 per cent increase and a half
a piece of pie i never was any good on
figures and maybe i am
getting a lot as it is but i
would rather have less
of a victory and more to eat
We print this communication in full in order to show the public the difficulty we have with Archy. We have yielded in principle, we admit that he has won a victory, and we have given him a 50 per cent raise. It seems to me that we have done even more than could have been expected, but he seems dissatisfied. And yet he must know that he is in the wrong, for even while he talks of a moral victory he reduces his former outrageous demands for food by one half. He has been on the job without any food at all, so far as we know, for four years, and this sudden demand of his for something to eat does not have the ring of sincerity to our ears. What did he eat before he worked for the column? There is a strain of sordid materialism in Archy, we are afraid.
AUGUST 26
Thank You for the Advice
thank you for the
advice to go and get
some of this
government food i do
not want to start all
over again
any controversy that has
been temporarily
settled but may i not
ask how
AUGUST 27
Darned Little Justice
the cockroaches are not
the only insects
that are demanding more
consideration
i met a flea
last evening who
told me that he had come
into contact with
a great deal of unrest
lately and a mosquito remarked
to me only this
morning there is darned
little justice in this world the
way the human beings
run it seldom do i
meet a person who will hold
still long
enough for me to get a meal
AUGUST 28
Archy Gets Restless Again
dear boss after thinking
over the terms of our temporary
settlement i
am forced to admit i
got the short end of the
deal you are a true diplomat and
a modest one at that but i want
you to know that your admission
to your readers in conceding me
a moral victory does not
suffice to fill an empty
stomach and nobody can work
without food so i am forced to
submit as the two chief subjects for
consideration in the final settlement the
necessity not only for deciding the
amount of salary but also a generous
allowance of food and good
food at that because since i
agreed to return to work i
met an old friend who took me to
a place where a lot of
nice people of the community
councils are distributing relief
food and by simply hiding in the
parcels that go out there are
lots of chances to get into all
kinds of fine homes we took a chance
and sneaked into one box of canned
goods and were placed in a fine
automobile that took us
to a swell house on the drive where
they have a pastry cook of their own and
we had the pastry all to our
selves and feasted on delicacies of
all sorts so half a piece of pie is
no longer any treat for me and
i can get acquainted with
some very aristocratic
cockroaches besides just by
attending food sales and i
am cultivating a taste for fancy
eatables that neither pie nor
25 per cent increase will satisfy
It looks as if this Archy were getting ready to ask for more, no matter what we give him.
How human some cockroaches are!
AUGUST 29
A Plum Plan
well boss the time has
arrived for our permanent
settlement i propose
a plum plan
once a week i want a
pint jar of plum preserves
with bread and butter
and all the fixings that
go with them answer at once
i refuse to arbitrate
We yield. We consider ourself lucky that Archy does not demand full ownership and control of the column. We yield while the yielding is still good.
SEPTEMBER 8
Trying to Ruin Me
well boss i notice that
although you have taken me
back to work on my own terms
you are giving me no
work to do you always were jealous
of my popularity there
never has been a time since i made
my first appearance and
carried all before me that you
would not have gotten rid of
me if you had dared but
you have never dared
now you are giving me no work to do
in order to keep me
from my public you are
trying to ruin me why do
you not give me an
assignment now and
then
archy
If Archy cannot think up something to write about he can stay out of the column permanently. We are tired of giving Archy assignments that he can do easily and then having him take the credit for originality. The impression has gone abroad that not only does Archy think up his own themes, but that he also tells us what to write. The exact reverse of this is true. It is time that Archy, and his infatuated followers also, should understand that he is our subordinate, our creature. We admit that he has a certain superficial knack; but all the heavier, more solemn, respectable, and serious humor in the column is our own. His statement that he would like to work is entirely hypocritical. Since he won the strike he has done nothing but eat and sleep; he is gorged with food; between his triumph and his victuals he has become stupid. We knew food would ruin him, and it was in the interests of his literary ability, such as it is, that we kept him starved. Lord Tennyson noticed the same thing about a throstle . . . or maybe it was a blackbird. Anyhow, Lord Tennyson wrote a poem about it. . . . It was a bird that gorged itself and lived easy and ceased to be a poet. We have always thought it an indication of very high purpose and resolution that Lord Tennyson did not succumb himself in a similar manner; but after he became laureate he sang just as well as before. We believe that he was already laureate when he wrote “Come into the Garden, Maud.” Max Beerbohm has a cartoon of Lord Tennyson reading his poems to Queen Victoria in which the laureate looks both well fed and lyrical. We wish that Daisy Ashford’s Mr. Salteena had met a laureate at court and given us additional light upon this subject. But we still insist that in spite of Lord Tennyson’s experience, the rule holds good in the majority of cases; feed a poet and ruin him. The only thing that can save Archy now is a course of voluntary fasting, and we doubt that he has the will power for it. Give a cockroach enough jam and he will tangle his feet.
OCTOBER 6
To Settle the Controversy
i am in a position
to settle the
controversy as to whether
j m barrie
wrote the young visiters
or whether it
was written by
daisy ashford1 i have
been making a
very careful study of the
matter using the
method of the authorities
who have proved
that bacon wrote all of
shakespeares plays2
that were not written
by marlowe beaumont
and fletcher and ben jonson
that is to say to wit
namely the cipher
method on page one
of the young visiters i
find the letter j
on page nine i find
the letter m and on
page seventeen i find
the letter b
it is therefore clear that
j m barrie wrote
the stunt in nineteen
seventeen and signed
it with his initials
i hope there will
be no more idle chatter
about this thing now
that it is authoritatively
settled
OCTOBER 16
Rheumatism
boss i wish
that some of your clever
correspondents would
devise a way to
fit cockroaches
with overshoes
this continued damp weather
is giving me rheumatism
in three of my feet
all three rheumatic feet
are on the same
side so when i
walk i go round and
round in a circle
i am trying to use
pieces of chewing gum for
overshoes but it
doesn’t work so
very well i can get
them on but i
cannot get them off
again and they are
sticky on both sides sometimes
they stick fast to
the floor and i
know how a fly
feels on a sheet of
tanglefoot paper
see what you can
do about it wont
you please by the way
just to settle the
controversy i
think i may as well
announce that i
wrote the young
visiters myself in
collaboration with
mehitabel the cat
DECEMBER 3
This Monster Man
one thing the human bean
never seems to
get into it is the
fact that humans
appear just as unnecessary to
cockroaches as cockroaches
do to humans
you would scarcely
call me human
nor am i altogether
cockroach i
conceive it to be my
mission in life to bring
humans and cockroaches
into a better understanding
with each other to
establish some sort of
entente cordiale1 or
hands across the kitchen sink2
arrangement
lately i heard a number
of cockroaches discussing
humanity one big
regal looking roach
had the floor and he spoke
as was fitting in blank verse
more or less
says he
how came this monster with the heavy
foot harsh voice and cruel heart to
rule the world
had it been dogs or ants or elephants
i could have acquiesced and found a
justice working in the decree but man
gross man
the killer man the bloody minded
crossed unsocial death dispenser of this
sphere who slays for pleasure slays
for sport for whim
who slays from habit breeds to slay and
slays
whatever breed has humors not his own
the whole apparent universe one sponge
blood filled from insect mammal fish
and bird
the which he squeezes down his vast
gullet friends i call on you to rise and
trample down this monster man this
tyrant man hear hear said
several of the wilder spirits
and it looked to me for a
minute as if they
were going right out and
wreck new york city but
an old polonius looking
roach got the floor
he cleared his throat three times
and said
what our young friend here
so eloquently counsels against
the traditional enemy is
calculated of course to appeal to
youth what he says
about man is all very true
and yet we must remember that
some of our wisest
cockroaches have always
held that there
is something impious in the
idea of overthrowing man
doubtless the supreme being
put man where he is and
doubtless he did it
for some good purpose which
it would be very
impolitic yea well nigh
blasphemous for us to enquire
into the project of
overthrowing man is indeed
&nbs
p; tantamount to a
proposition to overthrow the
supreme being himself and
i trust that no one of
my hearers is so wild or
so wicked as to think
that possible or desirable i
cannot but admire the
idealism and patriotism of
my young friend who
has just spoken nor do i
doubt his sincerity but i
grieve to see so
many fine qualities
misdirected and i
should like to ask him
just one question to wit
namely as follows is it not
a fact that just before
coming to this meeting
he was almost killed by a
human being as he
crawled out of an ice box
and is it not true that
he was stealing food from
the said ice box and is it
not a fact that his own
recent personal experience has
as much to do with
his present rage as any
desire to better the
condition of the cockroaches of
the world in general i
think that it is the sense of
this meeting that a
resolution be passed censuring
mankind and at the
same time making it
very clear that nothing like
rebellion is to be attempted
and so on
well polonius had his way
but it is my belief that the
wilder spirits will gain the
ascendancy and if the
movement spreads to the other
insects the human race is in
danger as a friend of both
parties i should regret war
what we need is
intelligent propaganda who is
better qualified to handle
the propaganda fund than
yours truly
DECEMBER 12
The Cat Show
i said to mehitabel
the cat i suppose you are
going to the swell cat
show i am not archy
said she i have as
much lineage as any
of those society
cats but i never could
see the conventional
social stuff archy
i am a lady
but i am bohemian
too archy i