Author: Stephen Leacock
Category: Humorous
Go to read content：https://onlinereadfreenovel.com/stephen-leacock/page,13,9913-frenzied_fiction.html
X. The Errors of Santa Claus
It was Christmas Eve.
The Browns, who lived in the adjoining house, had been dining with theJoneses.
Brown and Jones were sitting over wine and walnuts at the table. Theothers had gone upstairs.
"What are you giving to your boy for Christmas?" asked Brown.
"A train," said Jones, "new kind of thing--automatic."
"Let's have a look at it," said Brown.
Jones fetched a parcel from the sideboard and began unwrapping it.
"Ingenious thing, isn't it?" he said. "Goes on its own rails. Queer howkids love to play with trains, isn't it?"
"Yes," assented Brown. "How are the rails fixed?"
"Wait, I'll show you," said Jones. "Just help me to shove these dinnerthings aside and roll back the cloth. There! See! You lay the rails likethat and fasten them at the ends, so--"
"Oh, yes, I catch on, makes a grade, doesn't it? Just the thing to amusea child, isn't it? I got Willy a toy aeroplane."
"I know, they're great. I got Edwin one on his birthday. But I thoughtI'd get him a train this time. I told him Santa Claus was going to bringhim something altogether new this time. Edwin, of course, believes inSanta Claus absolutely. Say, look at this locomotive, would you? It hasa spring coiled up inside the fire box."
"Wind her up," said Brown with great interest. "Let's see her go."
"All right," said Jones. "Just pile up two or three plates or somethingto lean the end of the rails on. There, notice the way it buzzes beforeit starts. Isn't that a great thing for a kid, eh?"
"Yes," said Brown. "And say, see this little string to pull the whistle!By Gad, it toots, eh? Just like real?"
"Now then, Brown," Jones went on, "you hitch on those cars and I'llstart her. I'll be engineer, eh!"
Half an hour later Brown and Jones were still playing trains on thedining-room table.
But their wives upstairs in the drawing-room hardly noticed theirabsence. They were too much interested.
"Oh, I think it's perfectly sweet," said Mrs. Brown. "Just the loveliestdoll I've seen in years. I must get one like it for Ulvina. Won'tClarisse be perfectly enchanted?"
"Yes," answered Mrs. Jones, "and then she'll have all the fun ofarranging the dresses. Children love that so much. Look, there are threelittle dresses with the doll, aren't they cute? All cut out and ready tostitch together."
"Oh, how perfectly lovely!" exclaimed Mrs. Brown. "I think the mauve onewould suit the doll best, don't you, with such golden hair? Only don'tyou think it would make it much nicer to turn back the collar, so, andto put a little band--so?"
"_What_ a good idea!" said Mrs. Jones. "Do let's try it. Just wait, I'llget a needle in a minute. I'll tell Clarisse that Santa Claus sewed ithimself. The child believes in Santa Claus absolutely."
And half an hour later Mrs. Jones and Mrs. Brown were so busy stitchingdolls' clothes that they could not hear the roaring of the little trainup and down the dining table, and had no idea what the four childrenwere doing.
Nor did the children miss their mothers.
"Dandy, aren't they?" Edwin Jones was saying to little Willie Brown, asthey sat in Edwin's bedroom. "A hundred in a box, with cork tips, andsee, an amber mouthpiece that fits into a little case at the side. Goodpresent for Dad, eh?"
"Fine!" said Willie appreciatively. "I'm giving Father cigars."
"I know, I thought of cigars too. Men always like cigars and cigarettes.You can't go wrong on them. Say, would you like to try one or two ofthese cigarettes? We can take them from the bottom. You'll like them,they're Russian--away ahead of Egyptian."
"Thanks," answered Willie. "I'd like one immensely. I only startedsmoking last spring--on my twelfth birthday. I think a feller's a foolto begin smoking cigarettes too soon, don't you? It stunts him. I waitedtill I was twelve."
"Me too," said Edwin, as they lighted their cigarettes. "In fact, Iwouldn't buy them now if it weren't for Dad. I simply _had_ to give himsomething from Santa Claus. He believes in Santa Claus absolutely, youknow."
And, while this was going on, Clarisse was showing little Ulvina theabsolutely lovely little bridge set that she got for her mother.
"Aren't these markers perfectly charming?" said Ulvina. "And don't youlove this little Dutch design--or is it Flemish, darling?"
"Dutch," said Clarisse. "Isn't it quaint? And aren't these the dearestlittle things, for putting the money in when you play. I needn't havegot them with it--they'd have sold the rest separately--but I think it'stoo utterly slow playing without money, don't you?"
"Oh, abominable," shuddered Ulvina. "But your mamma never plays formoney, does she?"
"Mamma! Oh, gracious, no. Mamma's far too slow for that. But I shalltell her that Santa Claus insisted on putting in the little moneyboxes."
"I suppose she believes in Santa Claus, just as my mamma does."
"Oh, absolutely," said Clarisse, and added, "What if we play a littlegame! With a double dummy, the French way, or Norwegian Skat, if youlike. That only needs two."
"All right," agreed Ulvina, and in a few minutes they were deep in agame of cards with a little pile of pocket money beside them.
About half an hour later, all the members of the two families wereagain in the drawing-room. But of course nobody said anything about thepresents. In any case they were all too busy looking at the beautifulbig Bible, with maps in it, that the Joneses had brought to give toGrandfather. They all agreed that, with the help of it, Grandfathercould hunt up any place in Palestine in a moment, day or night.
But upstairs, away upstairs in a sitting-room of his own GrandfatherJones was looking with an affectionate eye at the presents that stoodbeside him. There was a beautiful whisky decanter, with silver filigreeoutside (and whiskey inside) for Jones, and for the little boy a bignickel-plated Jew's harp.
Later on, far in the night, the person, or the influence, or whateverit is called Santa Claus, took all the presents and placed them in thepeople's stockings.
And, being blind as he always has been, he gave the wrong things to thewrong people--in fact, he gave them just as indicated above.
But the next day, in the course of Christmas morning, the situationstraightened itself out, just as it always does.
Indeed, by ten o'clock, Brown and Jones were playing with the train, andMrs. Brown and Mrs. Jones were making dolls' clothes, and the boys weresmoking cigarettes, and Clarisse and Ulvina were playing cards for theirpocket-money.
And upstairs--away up--Grandfather was drinking whisky and playing theJew's harp.
And so Christmas, just as it always does, turned out all right afterall.