Author: Stephen Leacock
Category: Humorous
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XI. Lost in New York
A VISITOR'S SOLILOQUY
Well! Well!
Whatever has been happening to this place, to New York? Changed? Changedsince I was here in '86? Well, I should say so.
The hack-driver of the old days that I used to find waiting for me atthe station curb, with that impossible horse of his--the hack-driverwith his bulbous red face, and the nice smell of rye whisky all 'roundhim for yards--gone, so it seems, for ever.
And in place of him this--what is it they call it?--taxi, with aclean-shaven cut-throat steering it. "Get in," he says, Just that. Hedoesn't offer to help me or lift my satchel. All right, young man, I'mcrawling in.
That's the machine that marks it, eh? I suppose they have them rigged upso they can punch up anything they like. I thought so--he hits it up tofifty cents before we start. But I saw him do it. Well, I can stand forit this time. I'll not be caught in one of these again.
The hotel? All right, I'm getting out. My hotel? But what is it theyhave done to it? They must have added ten stories to it. It reachesto the sky. But I'll not try to look to the top of it. Not with thissatchel in my hand: no, sir! I'll wait till I'm safe inside. In thereI'll feel all right. They'll know me in there. They'll remember rightaway my visit in the fall of '86. They won't easily have forgottenthat big dinner I gave--nine people at a dollar fifty a plate, with thecigars extra. The clerk will remember _me_, all right.
Know me? Not they. The _clerk_ know me! How could he? For it seems nowthere isn't any clerk, or not as there used to be. They have subdividedhim somehow into five or six. There is a man behind a desk, a majesticsort of man, waving his hand. It would be sheer madness to claimacquaintance with him. There is another with a great book, adjustingcards in it; and another, behind glass labelled "Cashier," and busy asa bank; there are two with mail and telegrams. They are all too busy toknow me.
Shall I sneak up near to them, keeping my satchel in my hand? I wonder,do they _see_ me? _Can_ they see me, a mere thing like me? I am withinten feet of them, but I am certain that they cannot see me. I am, and Ifeel it, absolutely invisible.
Ha! One has seen me. He turns to me, or rather he rounds upon me, withthe words "Well, sir?" That, and nothing else, sharp and hard. There isnone of the ancient kindly pretence of knowing my name, no reachingout a welcome hand and calling me Mr. Er--Er--till he has read my nameupside down while I am writing it and can address me as a familiarfriend. No friendly questioning about the crops in my part of thecountry. The crops, forsooth! What do these young men know about crops?
A room? Had I any reservation? Any which? Any reservation. Oh, I see,had I written down from home to say that I was coming? No, I had notbecause the truth is I came at very short notice. I didn't know till aweek before that my brother-in-law--He is not listening. He has movedaway. I will stand and wait till he comes back. I am intruding here; Ihad no right to disturb these people like this.
Oh, I can have a room at eleven o'clock. When it is which?--is vacated.Oh, yes, I see, when the man in it gets up and goes away. I didn't forthe minute catch on to what the word--He has stopped listening.
Never mind, I can wait. From eight to eleven is only three hours,anyway. I will move about here and look at things. If I keep moving theywill notice me less. Ha! books and news papers and magazines--what astack of them! Like a regular book-store. I will stand here and takea look at some of them. Eh! what's that? Did I want to _buy_ anything?Well, no, I hadn't exactly--I was just--Oh, I see, they're on _sale_.All right, yes, give me this one--fifty cents--all right--and this andthese others. That's all right, miss, I'm not stingy. They always say ofme up in our town that when I--She has stopped listening.
Never mind. I will walk up and down again with the magazines under myarm. That will make people think I live here. Better still if I couldput the magazines in my satchel. But how? There is no way to set it downand undo the straps. I wonder if I could dare put it for a minute onthat table, the polished one--? Or no, they wouldn't likely allow a manto put a bag _there_.
Well, I can wait. Anyway, it's eight o'clock and soon, surely, breakfastwill be ready. As soon as I hear the gong I can go in there. I wonderif I could find out first where the dining-room is. It used always tobe marked across the door, but I don't seem to see it. Darn it, I'll askthat man in uniform. If I'm here prepared to spend my good money to getbreakfast I guess I'm not scared to ask a simple question of a man inuniform. Or no, I'll not ask _him_. I'll try this one--or no, he's busy.I'll ask this other boy. Say, would you mind, if you please, telling me,please, which way the dining-room--Eh, what? Do I want which? The grillroom or the palm room? Why, I tell you, young man, I just wanted toget some breakfast if it's--what? Do I want what? I didn't quite getthat--_a la carte_? No, thanks--and, what's that? table de what? in thepalm room? No, I just wanted--but it doesn't matter. I'll wait 'roundhere and look about till I hear the gong. Don't worry about me.
What's that? What's that boy shouting out--that boy with the tray? Acall for Mr. Something or Other--say, must be something happened prettyserious! A call for Mr.--why, that's for me! Hullo! _Here I am! Here,it's Me! Here I am_--wanted at the desk? all right, I'm coming, I'mhurrying. I guess something's wrong at home, eh! _Here I am_. That's myname. I'm ready.
Oh, a room. You've got a room for me. All right. The fifteenth floor!Good heavens! Away up there! Never mind, I'll take it. Can't give me abath? That's all right. I had one.
Elevator over this way? All right, I'll come along. Thanks, I can carryit. But I don't see any elevator? Oh, this door in the wall? Well! I'mhanged. This the elevator! It certainly has changed. The elevator thatI remember had a rope in the middle of it, and you pulled the rope up asyou went, wheezing and clanking all the way to the fifth floor. But thislooks a queer sort of machine. How do you do--Oh, I beg your pardon. Iwas in the road of the door, I guess. Excuse me, I'm afraid I got in theway of your elbow. It's all right, you didn't hurt--or, not bad.
Gee whiz! It goes fast. Are you sure you can stop it? Better be careful,young man. There was an elevator once in our town that--fifteenth floor?All right.
This room, eh! Great Scott, it's high up. Say, better not go too nearthat window, boy. That would be a hell of a drop if a feller fell out.You needn't wait. Oh, I see. I beg your pardon. I suppose a quarter isenough, eh?
Well, it's a relief to be alone. But say, this is high up! And what anoise! What is it they're doing out there, away out in the air, with allthat clatter--building a steel building, I guess. Well, those fellershave their nerve, all right. I'll sit further back from the window.
It's lonely up here. In the old days I could have rung a bell and had adrink sent up to the room; but away up here on the fifteenth floor!Oh, no, they'd never send a drink clean up to the fifteenth floor. Ofcourse, in the old days, I could have put on my canvas slippers andwalked down to the bar and had a drink and talked to the bar-tender.
But of course they wouldn't have a bar in a place like this. I'd liketo go down and see, but I don't know that I'd care to ask, anyway. No, Iguess I'll just sit and wait. Some one will come for me, I guess, aftera while.
If I were back right now in our town, I could walk into Ed Clancey'srestaurant and have ham and eggs, or steak and eggs, or anything, forthirty-five cents.
Our town up home is a peach of a little town, anyway.
Say, I just feel as if I'd like to take my satchel and jump clean out ofthat window. It would be a good rebuke to them.
But, pshaw! what would _they_ care?