Author: L A Cotton
Category: Contemporary
Go to read content：https://onlinereadfreenovel.com/l-a-cotton/page,7,592781-tragic_lies_a_forbidden_age-gap_romance_rixon_high.html
The fire exit door loomed ahead, and I pressed down on the bar, shouldering the heavy door. The frigid air met my warm skin and I shuddered, but there was something about feeling the cold against my face that made me inhale a deep, calming breath.
The moment I stepped onto the roof terrace, I faltered though. “You,” the word fell from my lips.
Xander looked up, his eyes clouding with something. He let out a slow, steady breath. “You shouldn’t be out here.”
“I didn’t come looking for you, if that’s what you think.”
“Shit, Peyton,” he sighed, “that’s not… what are you doing up here?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
He stared at me, waiting for some other explanation I didn’t have. But I added, “I needed to get out of the room.” Before I did something stupid.
Xander tracked me as I moved to the edge of the terrace. The hotel was only five stories high, but it overlooked the city, making everything below seem small and insignificant. Before he could stop me, I climbed onto the ledge and—
“What the fuck?” He rushed over to me. “Do you have a dea—” Xander stopped himself.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to jump. I just like the feeling of being…” How did I explain it?
“Reckless?”
My eyes slid to his, and I nodded gently.
“Please, get down from there,” he said, softer this time.
“Will you tell Jase if I don’t?”
His brow arched. “What do you think?”
“Fine.” I snapped, lowering myself back down and going over to one of the rattan couches. “What are you doing up here anyway?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” Xander said, joining me. His eyes dropped to my bare legs, lingering for a second. Heat flashed through me, but I silently chided myself for being so foolish.
Xander didn’t see me as anything more than an over-emotional teenage girl. He’d made that obvious on more than one occasion. And part of me hated that he’d seen me that night at the river. Not because I ever expected anything to happen between us, I wasn’t that deluded. But because for the first time in my life, someone had seen me. The real me. Lost and flawed and scared.
Xander had seen me at my most vulnerable and it terrified me.
But there was another part that was relieved that it was him. Because if I was right, then he carried some of the same darkness I did. I didn’t have to pretend around him.
“I’m surprised you’re not sneaking into the guys’ room and—”
“And what?” I snapped, hurt snaking through me.
Is that what he thought of me?
That I was just some high school hussy?
“That’s not what I meant, Peyton,” he said as if he could hear my thoughts.
“So what did you mean?” Indignation sat heavy in my chest.
“I was young once, you know? You think I don’t know what happens when the adults turn their backs?”
“Maybe… before…” I let the words linger.
Silence enveloped us. Thick, oppressive, it squeezed my lungs until I couldn’t breathe. But I didn’t drop my gaze, and neither did Xander. Instead, he stared at me, his eyes studying me. Searching my face for something.
When he inhaled a sharp breath, I wondered if he’d found whatever he’d been looking for. “You should go back—”
“If you’re that upset by my presence, why don’t you go back inside?” My brow rose.
“Peyton,” he sighed again. “I’m the adult here.”
Damn him.
Did he think I didn’t know that? That every time I thought about his strong arms pulling me out of the river, or his gravelly voice coaxing me from the darkness, I wasn’t hyperaware of the fact he was a man, and I was just a girl?
I knew… and I hated it.
I hated that he looked at me and saw a weak, pathetic girl.
I might have only been almost eighteen, but I’d been forced to grow up a long time ago. It didn’t matter though. Because he didn’t look at me and see a young woman struggling to find her place in the world…
Xander saw the girl his friend—his boss—took in when she had nowhere left to turn.
He saw a charity case.
Nothing more.
Chapter Eight
Xander
The air crackled around us as she stared at me, defiance burning in her baby blue eyes. Despite everything she’d been through, Peyton still had fight left in her; she still had the balls to stand off against me. This girl… Did she have any idea how fucking beautiful she was?
Fuck. I didn’t know where that thought had come from, but it hit me square in the chest.
She was beautiful. She was the kind of girl who pulled you into her orbit. I’d seen it with her friends, with Bryan, and that asshole Sean Farrow. Peyton lit up the room wherever she went, but the sparkle in her eyes had dimmed since the accident. She was lost… and she looked at me like she knew I was lost too.
“So…” she said, a faint smirk tracing her mouth, as if it was a foregone conclusion I wouldn’t send her back to her room.
“You’re trouble.” The words rolled off my tongue before I could stop them.
Something flashed in her eyes, but she shook it away, smiling at me. “That’s what life’s for, right? Living.” The sadness in her voice was like a punch to the gut.
I pulled out another smoke and lit it up. Peyton’s nose crinkled. “Do you really like those things?”
“It’s a distraction,” I said with a half-shrug.
“Maybe I should take up smoking then.”
“Nah, it costs a small fortune and the smell never goes away.”
She lifted her sneakers onto the edge of the table and folded her arms around herself, staring at the city in the distance. “I can’t stop thinking about it… about her…”
The words were small; too fucking small for a strong, confident girl like Peyton.
“I close my eyes and I see it, playing on repeat in my mind. And I can’t help but think it was her final ‘fuck you’ to the daughter she never wanted.”
The crack in her voice had me wanting to comfort her, but I couldn’t. And even if I could, what did a guy like me know about comforting a girl like her? I kept people at arm’s length for a reason—because my heart turned to stone a long time ago. It was the only way I knew how to protect myself from the constant ache. The hole left by the two people who loved me unconditionally.
My entire childhood was shaped by the people I loved leaving me. First my mom, then Cameron, then my dad. I spent the best part of ten years attending therapy, but nobody could fix me. And fuck only knew I hadn’t ever managed to fix myself.
“I’m sure your mom loved you in her own way.”
Peyton let out a derisive sound. “My mom was a selfish junkie whore who cared more about her next fix than she ever did me.”
I winced at the honesty—the gut-wrenching pain—in her voice.
“I’m sorry.”
“Why?” She glanced up at me. “It’s not your fault.”
“No one should have to endure that.”
“Yeah, well, the universe was all out of fucks when it dealt me my hand,” she snorted.
“What about your dad?”
“You mean the useless sperm donor that up and left when I was barely out of diapers and never looked back?”
Jesus. My jaw locked up as I imagined what she’d endured, what she’d been through. I knew a little of her history from Jase and Cameron, but I didn’t know the extent to which she’d suffered. I doubted anyone did. Because Peyton played her part. She put on her armor of fake smiles and sassy confidence and wielded them with perfection. The best defense was a good offense, and she’d got it down pat.
But this girl… the girl I’d pulled from the river was different.
Even I could see that.
“I’m just… ugh,” she ran a hand through her hair, yanking the ends in frustration, “I’m so freaking sick of carin
g.”
“Caring makes you human.”
“Yeah, well maybe I’m sick of that too.” She threw me a sardonic look.
“Give it some time. Things will—”
Peyton scoffed. “I think we both know the whole give it time thing is a crock of shit. Time might make things easier, but it never lets you forget. And even if you could forget, it would still be inside you like a slow, festering poison.”
She had a point.
I’d been around enough therapists and shrinks to know that childhood trauma shaped you and the person you became. But Peyton was still young. She had her whole life ahead of her to turn things around, to not succumb to the dark thoughts circling her mind.
“Sorry…” Her cheeks pinked. “I didn’t mean to off-load like that.”
“It’s fine.”
It wasn’t, but it was too late for her to take it all back. Besides, she obviously needed someone to off-load on. I guessed the least I could do was listen.
“I’m sure you have better things to do than sit out here with me while I have an existential crisis.”
“Peyton,” I said, “you’ve been through something huge. It’s going to take—”
“Don’t say it. God, please, don’t say it.”
“Fine, I won’t say it.” A faint smile lifted the corner of my mouth. “But it’s true. Just take each day as it comes. And you really should think about talking to someone.”
“I’m talking to you.”
“I mean a professional.” I gave her a pointed look.
“Yeah, I know. But I don’t need a shrink to tell me what I already know.”
“And what’s that?”
Her eyes fluttered shut as she inhaled a sharp breath. When they opened again, her expression softened. “That I’m messed up.”
“Aren’t we all?” My smile grew, a strange sensation tugging in my chest.
“I guess…” Peyton stared back out at the view. “Rixon feels so small compared to this.” She let out a soft sigh.
“You’re a senior. You have the world at your feet.”
“Maybe.”
I didn’t like the resignation in her voice, as if she’d already accepted her fate.
“Come next fall you’ll be off to college and Rixon will be an afterthought.”
“College. Right.” Her shoulders lifted in a small shrug.
“You do want to go to college?” I asked.
“I have to be realistic.” Peyton glanced over at me. “I have no family, no money, and a part-time job at Cindy’s Grill. It isn’t exactly going to pay the bills.”
“You can get financial aid though.”
“It’s an option.” She shrugged.
One she didn’t look convinced about.
“You didn’t go to college?” she asked me.
“No, I… I dropped out of high school.”
“Oh. What happened?” I let out a steady breath and Peyton flinched. “Sorry, it’s none of my business.”
“It’s okay. I just prefer not to relive that time of my life… I was a mess.”
“You could have played football at college though?”
“Where’d you hear that?” My eyes narrowed, a lick of shame racing up my spine. I suspected she already knew some of the story from Lily and Ashleigh, but still, I didn’t appreciate the pity in her eyes.
“People talk, Xander.”
“Yeah.” I tsked, scrubbing my jaw.
In a town like Rixon, all people did was talk.
Silence echoed around us. Peyton watched me with eager eyes, but I didn’t want to open that can of worms, to dredge up old memories. My life might not have been a success in comparison to Cam or Jase, but I was in a damn sight better place than I was back then. That had to count for something.
“It’s getting late,” I said.
“You can trust me, you know?” Her words sank into me, taking hold.
“You’re just a—”
“Kid, yeah. So you like to keep reminding me.” Hurt flashed over Peyton’s face. “I wish I was just a normal seventeen-year-old girl. I wish I hadn’t seen half the things I’ve seen, heard the things I’ve heard. God, I wished all I had to worry about was college applications, and who’s dating who.”
“Peyton, I—”
“I get it. You’re my best friend’s uncle. You coach the football team at my high school. You’re… a grown man, and I’m just a girl.” Her eyes glittered with pain. “I don’t want anything from you, Xander. I’m not that foolish to ever think you would see me as more than what I am, but I just thought… I thought maybe you got it. That maybe you understood.”
“I shouldn’t even be sitting out here with you.”
Bitter laughter spilled from her lips, shredding my insides. Of all the things I could have said… I chose that.
Fucking idiot.
“I guess one of us should leave then.” She stood up, moving for the door. Frozen in place, I watched her while unable to think of a single thing to say.
Peyton beat me to it anyway when she said, “Goodnight, Xander. I guess I’ll see you around.”
By the time we piled onto the bus the next morning, I was still thinking about what Peyton said up on the roof terrace. I’d barely slept, turning her words over and over in my head. I thought maybe you got it. That maybe you understood.
She felt it. The strange affinity between us. I’d originally thought it was just some lingering sense of gratitude she felt toward me for saving her life. But the more time I spent with her, the more she opened up to me, I knew it was more than that.
It scared the fuck out of me.
I’d never met someone like me before. Someone plagued by dark thoughts and enough emotional trauma to sink a ship. Sure, I’d met people over the years who knew grief and loss and pain. But I’d never met someone like Peyton.
She’s just a kid.
Only, she wasn’t.
She was a young woman carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.
“Remind me never to have daughters again.” Jase dropped down onto the seat next to me, the team already in their seats.
“What’s up?” I asked, not sure I wanted to know.
“I caught Poppy, Sofia, and Ashleigh in Bryan’s room.”
“Damn. I’m surprised Hughes still has his balls.” I fought a smile.
“Yeah, well, I told that horny motherfucker he’d better report to the gym first thing Monday morning for his punishment.”
“Where was Lil—she was with Kaiden.”
“Fuck, I’m not ready for this.”
“Remember what you were like at eighteen.” I gave him a pointed look. I might have only been a kid back then, but I’d heard the stories. Everyone had.
“Which is exactly why I don’t like it. Kaiden is a good kid. He’s good for Lily. But the idea of them… nope, can’t go there,” he gritted out, running a hand down his face.
“She’s eighteen, Jase. It was bound to happen one day.”
“You sound like Fee.” His brow arched. “I expect it from Peyton. I don’t expect it from Lily and Poppy.”
“She wasn’t with them?” Fuck, the words were like cotton in my mouth.
“Nah, she’d stayed behind. She’s struggling.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“What the hell am I supposed to do with her? It’s senior year. She has some big decisions to make, and she’s got nothing.”
“She has you.”
“But is it enough? I always knew her mom was trouble, but I never thought… fuck, Xan.” He lowered his voice, but the rumble of the engine beneath us drowned out his words. “What she did… How could she do that knowing Peyton would be the one to find her?”
“Has Peyton talked to anyone about it?”
“She’s talked to Mya, but she doesn’t want to see a grief counselor or a therapist.”
“It’s a lot to confront.”
“Yeah, but if she doesn’t confront it… how does that end?”
&nb
sp; “Give her some time. It’s still raw.”
“Maybe you should talk to her?”
“Me?” I balked.
If he knew I’d already been talking to her, the circumstances of those conversations, I was pretty sure he’d be warning me to stay the fuck away from her.
“Just thinking out loud. I’m not actually suggesting you do it. I wasn’t prepared for teenage daughters, let alone one with as much baggage as Peyton.”
“You’re doing a good thing, Jase.”
“She’s lost everything. Her mom just—fuck.” His voice cracked as he ran a hand over his face, blowing out a steady breath. “Sorry, man, I know this can’t be easy for you either.”
“What makes you say that?” I tensed.
“I just figured it would bring back some of those bad memories.”
Bad memories.
I swallowed a strangled laugh. I didn’t have bad memories; I had eviscerating nightmares. I don’t know why my grief had embedded itself so deep, but I’d long accepted it was never going to disappear.
“It was a long time ago,” was all I said, pressing my head back into the seat rest and closing my eyes.
“You know Cam’s a hard ass because he loves you, right? Because he wants more for you.”
“We’re not doing this,” I said around a deep sigh.
“I won’t push, you know that. But he’s your brother. You should talk to him, try to work through some of this stuff. You’ve only got each other.”
It wasn’t true though because Cameron had Hailee. He had Avery and Ashleigh. He had a family who loved him and friends who would do anything for him. And I was on the periphery, always on the outside looking in. Maybe it was in part my own fault, but it didn’t change the fact Cameron had a life, a good life, and I had nothing.
There had been a time, when I was just a kid who adored his big brother, that I thought we’d never be separated, but time had only proved me wrong. And maybe it was selfish to want to be the center of his world, maybe it made me some kind of weirdo to be that dependent on him, but I couldn’t change the fact that as his life moved in new directions, I’d felt left behind, and I hadn’t known how to deal with losing him.