Author: L A Cotton
Category: Contemporary
Go to read content：https://onlinereadfreenovel.com/l-a-cotton/page,8,592781-tragic_lies_a_forbidden_age-gap_romance_rixon_high.html
Guilt was a powerful motivator; but add shame and bitterness into the mix and it was lethal. Too overwhelming for my teen self to deal with.
I wasn’t lying when I’d told Peyton last night that we were all messed up—except I wasn’t talking about anyone but myself.
To my relief, Jase didn’t push. He let me sit there and stew on my thoughts, his words. But what he didn’t know was, it didn’t change anything. I wasn’t a kid anymore. Nobody was going to swoop in and fix me. Not unless I wanted it…
And I’d stopped wanting it a long time ago.
Chapter Nine
Peyton
“Everything’s so pretty,” Lily said from beside me as we wandered down the street, taking in the storefronts decked out with holly wreaths and Christmas trinkets. The holidays were fast approaching and with them… my birthday.
Eighteen.
On Christmas Eve, I would turn eighteen.
As if she heard my thoughts, Lily asked, “What do you want to do for your birthday?”
“I haven’t really thought about it.” I shrugged.
Lily burrowed into my side, leaning her head on my shoulder. “We have to celebrate. I bet my parents would throw you a party—”
“No. No parties.”
“I wish I knew how to make things better for you,” she whispered, but she didn’t look at me.
“It’s not something anyone can fix, Lil.”
“I know, but it’s senior year and maybe I shouldn’t say this because she was your mom, but I hate that she did that to you. I hate that she—”
Slinging my arms around her, I hugged Lily tight, burying my face in her shoulder.
“What’s this for?” she chuckled, wrapping her arms around me too.
“Thank you,” I breathed. “Thank you for being my best friend, for not pushing and giving me space, and for just being you, Lily Ford. I love you.” Lifting my face, I gave her a smile. “You’re my best friend in the whole world.”
“I love you too. And I know you probably don’t feel much like celebrating, but it’s your eighteenth birthday. We have to do something.” Lily pouted.
“Fine. Something small.”
“Yay.” She untangled herself from me and clapped, her smile infectious.
“You still haven’t told me what happened last night, with Kaiden.”
Heat flooded her cheeks, and she ducked her head. “It was… intense.”
“Did he like your new linge—”
“Peyton.” She pressed her hand to my mouth and glanced around the sidewalk.
“Relax, no one is listening.”
“Let’s go to Sprinkles and I’ll buy you a cupcake and tell you all about it.”
“Thank God,” I shot her a bemused look, “because I was beginning to think I’d have to ask Kaiden for all the gory details.”
Lily rolled her eyes, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the small coffee shop she liked. We went inside and she said, “Grab a table, I’ll order.”
“Lily,” I sighed, “I can afford to buy my own dessert.”
“I know, but I want to treat you.”
“Fine. But next time, it’s on me.”
She stuck out her tongue, and I waved her off as I found a table near the back. It was easier to breathe around Lily. She had a calming presence on me, always had. But guilt weighed heavy on my soul because I was keeping secrets from her.
It had been two weeks since the night when everything changed. It was no time, yet, in some ways, it felt like forever.
I’d always thought being free of my mom and her addiction was what I wanted, but I had underestimated how lonely I would feel. It wasn’t that I missed her. I didn’t. She’d never treated me like anything more than a burden. But then, I’d always had a mother, a parent. I’d had someone. Even if she loved getting high far more than she’d ever loved me, I’d had a family.
“One caramel latte and a double chocolate brownie.” Lily slid the tray onto the table and sat down, unravelling her chunky scarf. “Hmm, I love it here.”
“You mean you love the cupcakes.”
“True.” Her face lit up as she reached for her red velvet cupcake.
“So… last night…” I picked up my glass and took a sip. “It was intense.”
The blush returned to her cheeks. “It was like he couldn’t get enough of me. I had no idea sexy lingerie could do that to a guy.”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“What?” Lily gawked at me like I’d grown a second head. “You mean you’ve never…”
“Who on Earth would I ever have bought sexy lingerie for?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just thought…” Guilt glittered in her eyes.
“You thought because I’ve fooled around a lot that I’m experienced in the art of seduction?”
“Peyton, that’s not—”
“It’s fine.” It wasn’t, but I wasn’t looking for sympathy or pity. “I’ve never cared enough to want to dress up for a guy, Lil,” I said with raw honesty.
“I bet Bryan would—”
“Bryan has nothing to do with this conversation.” It came out harsher than I intended but she needed to stop pushing. There was no Bryan and me. It was never going to happen.
I couldn’t force myself to want him the way I suspected he wanted me. Besides, even if I did… it would be pointless. He had an entire future ahead of him, a scholarship to Michigan. I didn’t have that.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s fine.” I suppressed the urge to flinch at the word. “I’m happy for you, babe. You deserve nothing but good things.”
“You deserve good things too, Peyton.” Lily smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes; as if she knew what I was thinking and could sense exactly where my head was at.
“I texted Cindy earlier,” I said, changing the subject. “I’m going to pick up my regular shifts starting Monday.”
“You don’t need to do that. Not yet.”
“Yeah, I do.” I needed to keep busy, not to mention the fact I needed every cent I could get.
“You’re not going to listen to me when I say my parents don’t want your money, are you?”
“Nope.” I broke a piece of brownie off and popped it in my mouth.
“Have you thought anymore about college?”
“Jesus, Lil, if I’d have known this would turn into the third degree, I would have stayed home.”
Home.
The word hit me dead in the chest. Was the Ford’s house really my home now? I guess it wasn’t like I had anywhere else to call mine. Before when I’d stayed with them it had always felt temporary. Even though I didn’t particularly relish the idea of being at home with my mom, it had still been my house, my bedroom… my space.
For as welcome as Lily’s parents made me, I was all too aware of the fact I was a guest. An outsider looking in. I was grateful, so freaking grateful, but I couldn’t deny being there with them was also a permanent reminder of everything I never had and would never have.
“Sorry.” She gave me an apologetic smile. “I just don’t like seeing you so… so sad.”
“I’m not sad, babe. I’m just… honestly, I don’t know what I am. But I’ll be fine.” There was that word again. “Once I get back to work at the diner and get the rest of this semester out of the way, I’m sure I’ll feel more like my old self.”
It was a lie. That girl—the girl I used to be—had died right alongside my mom. Or maybe she had drowned in the Susquehanna River. Either way, she was gone, and everything was different now.
I was different.
If anyone could understand, it was Lily. But every time I thought about opening up to her, to confessing my deepest, darkest secrets, something held me back. She’d already been through so much she didn’t need me burdening her with my issues. Not when she had finally reached a good place.
No, I wouldn’t do that to her.
“I can’t believe it’s almost the holidays.” She
ran her thumb around her mug of hot chocolate. Something twinkled in her eyes and I got the sense she was holding something back.
“Lily…” I waited.
“Kaiden wants us to go away over the holidays… like together.”
“Wow, that’s a big deal.”
“I know, right? I mean, I haven’t even broached it with my mom and dad yet because hello, my dad has barely accepted that I’m dating.”
“Your dad loves Kaiden.”
“Yeah, but will he love him whisking me away for a romantic getaway in a cabin? A freaking cabin, Peyton.”
“It sounds lovely.” My chest cinched.
“Maybe we could turn it into a group thing? He’d be more willing if he knew we were all going.”
“I’m not sure that’s what Kaiden has in mind.”
“No, you’re right. He said after last night, spending time together like that, he wants more.” A smile lifted the corner of her mouth, making her whole face light up.
“God, the two of you are so disgusting,” I teased.
“Sorry.” She pouted. “I don’t mean to be. But this is all so new and exciting and scary… God, it’s terrifying.”
“Lil, breathe,” I said, inhaling a deep breath, hoping she would copy me. She did, nodding through her deep inhale and exhale. “Better?” I asked.
“Yes, thank you. I bet you think I’m such—”
“Please. You know I would never judge you… for anything. This is a good thing, babe. It’s only a few months before you’ll be heading to college together.”
“If I get in.”
“You’ll get in.” Lily planned to head to the University of Pittsburgh while Kaiden had committed to Penn State. It was only a couple hour’s car ride, but they would make it work. I had zero doubts about it.
“So you think I should say yes… about the cabin?”
“Errr, hell yes!”
Her soft laughter filled the space between us. “I’m so glad I have you to talk to about all this stuff.”
“You have Ashleigh too, and Poppy.”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same.” Lily beamed at me. “I can’t wait until you meet your guy and we can double date.”
“My guy?” I balked.
“Yeah, I mean, I know you don’t like Bryan like that, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there for you.”
Xander’s face filled my head. The way he’d looked at me last night on the roof terrace. There had been a moment, when our eyes collided, and the air had crackled around us. But I shook those thoughts away. Whatever understanding I thought existed between us was clearly a misjudgment on my part. He’d made that perfectly clear.
“What is it?” Lily asked. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I smiled my way through the lie, “nothing at all.”
“Okay, let’s go over the rules,” Jason said, arms folded over his chest as he surveyed the three of us.
“Seriously, Dad, it’s just a small gathering.” Poppy gave him her best puppy dog eyes. “You can trust us.”
“It’s not you I don’t trust; it’s the guys…” His brow quirked up.
“It’s only Kaiden and his friends, and Aaron and Cole.”
“Sounds like one too many guys for my liking. Maybe we should rethink this.”
“We are not rethinking this.” Felicity breezed into the room. She looked stunning in a knee-length, black cocktail dress. “We haven’t been out in forever. We need this.” Planting her hand on her husband’s cheek, she kissed him lightly. “The girls know the rules as do the guys.”
“Mom’s right, Dad. You deserve a night of freedom. You work so hard.” Poppy snickered. “Eat, drink, be merry, and don’t rush home.”
“Watch it, young lady.” He jabbed a finger at her. “Or else I’ll call the neighbor and ask her to come over and keep an eye on you all.”
She gasped. “You wouldn’t.”
“Is that a dare?”
“Jase,” Felicity rolled her eyes, “we need to leave or we’ll miss our reservation.”
“Go,” Lily added. “We’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry.”
Jason grunted, letting his wife push him toward the door. “No smoking in the house,” he called over his shoulder, “no alcohol, and definitely no sex.”
“Oh my God,” Lily breathed, her eyes wide and skin flushed. Poppy on the other hand was chuckling.
The click of the front door indicated they had left, and Poppy let out a heavy sigh. “I thought they were never going to leave.”
“What time will the guys be here?” I asked them, trying to seem enthusiastic. The truth was, I wanted nothing more than to retreat to my room and stay there. But I knew if I did that, it would only result in more questions. Or Bryan doing something stupid like coming to keep me company.
So here I was, pasting on a smile and pretending everything was fine.
“Ashleigh’s picking up Sofia, Aaron, and Cole now; and Kaiden and the guys are on their way.”
“I can’t believe Dad actually went for it,” Poppy said, grabbing bowls out of the cupboard and filling them with snacks. Felicity had gone all out, buying every type of chip and dip there was. There was pizza too, and a whole heap of candy.
It was cute, if a little over the top. But it was a big deal for the Ford sisters and their overbearing father.
“I’m pretty sure he’s set up some cameras so he can watch exactly what we’re up to.”
“God, I hope not,” Poppy looked horrified. “I told Ashleigh and Sofia to bring some mixer drinks.”
“Poppy! Dad will—”
“He’ll never know. Besides, it’s not like we’re going to get wasted.” She shrugged.
“Fine.”
“Like you won’t be distracted with Kaiden anyway.” Poppy stuck out her tongue at her sister, and I smothered a laugh. She was so different to Lily; adventurous and willing to push the boundaries. Jason had his work cut out for him where Poppy was concerned. I just wasn’t sure he knew it yet.
I grabbed a bowl of chips and a soda and made my way over to the sectional on the opposite side of the room, leaving Lily to reassure her sister that she could be around Kaiden without kissing his face off.
She obviously underestimated just how much PDA they engaged in, but none of us minded, not really. Lily had spent too long living in the shadows. It was nice to finally see her step out of her shell and live.
It was kind of ironic that while she’d found herself, I’d lost myself.
A few minutes later, the doorbell rang, and voices filled the hall.
“Myers, make room,” Bryan appeared in the door, grinning. Rolling my eyes, I budged over and he dove for the couch. The others filtered in behind him. Usually, their laughter was infectious, but this time it did little to ease the gnawing pit in my stomach.
“Hey,” Bryan nudged me, “you okay?”
He’d asked me the same thing, the morning at the hotel. I could read between the lines—he wanted to know why I didn’t join their little party. But I’d told him then what I told him now.
“I’m fine.”
Even though I wasn’t fine.
Not even a little bit.
The second everyone left, and Lily and Poppy headed for bed, I pulled on my hoodie and sneakers, and slipped out of the house in the cover of darkness. It had been a struggle, pretending to smile and laugh and just be with them. I’d always hated being alone. It reminded me of being locked in my bedroom while my mom entertained her male friends and then got as high as a kite.
I shut the thoughts away as I made my way down to the river. The second it came into view, I saw him, lying in the same spot where I’d found him the other night. Part of me knew I should turn around and leave, but I guess I was all out of rational thoughts where Xander was concerned, because my legs carried me toward him.
“Peyton?” he gazed up at me, brows knitted with confusion. “Are you really here?”
“What?” I frowned, then it hit me. He
was drunk. “I can go.” Turning on my heel, I went to leave, but his voice gave me pause.
“Wait.”
“Yeah?” I glanced back.
Xander pushed up on his elbows, studying me. “Why are you here?”
“The same reason you are,” I whispered.
He nodded, patting the space beside him. I wanted to believe he was extending an olive branch after last night, but he was drunk. He probably didn’t know what the hell he was doing.
My stomach sank, but I still sat down beside him. I couldn’t help myself.
“I went to a bar tonight.” He lay back down, staring up at the inky night sky. “There was this blonde woman…”
“I’m not sure—”
“I didn’t do anything. But she reminded me of you. Fuck, why did she remind me of you?”
“I-I don’t know,” I breathed, my heart squeezing at his words.
I lay down too, looking right at him. His eyes were closed, his brows drawn tight, and jaw clenched.
“Xander?”
“Yeah?” His eyes fluttered open as he turned to look at me.
The air turned thick around us. The strange tether between us pulling taut. I wondered if he felt it. If he did, he didn’t say anything. He just stared at me. Through me.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked.
“That night… pulling you from the river.”
Oh God. I didn’t want to talk about that. I couldn’t. Not again.
“I saved you,” he said, quietly. A strange reverence in his voice. “I couldn’t save her though.”
“Who?”
“My mom.” His eyes shuttered again as his chest rose with a deep breath.
My heart raced as we lay there, shoulder to shoulder. I stretched my fingers slightly, brushing Xander’s hand. I didn’t mean to, but once I felt him, it was almost impossible to withdraw. But I needed to before he realized. Snatching them back, I didn’t expect him to snag my hand in his.
His dark-gray eyes opened again. “You’re so strong,” he whispered, closing his fingers around mine. “It’s been years since my mom died and I’m still not over it. I don’t think I’ll ever be over it.”