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Author: Andrew Mackay

Category: Humorous

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  “What if they find out we entered Jelly in the Star Cat Trials, mom?”

  The driver reversed from the road and threw the stick shift into first gear, “What’s your son talking about?”

  "We got Jelly from PAAC,” Emily asked. “I know that man with the blue hair. Does this happen often?”

  "Yes, all the time," he chuckled and floored the gas pedal.

  "What are you doing? You’re not taking us closer to them, are you?"

  "Nothing to be worried about."

  The female animal rights terrorist knew that Remy would never open his pet’s cage. Handax pulled out a pistol, scaring the crowd back a few feet.

  "In the name of science and humanity, if you choose not to let animals live in peace, then we want no part of the planet."

  He placed the barrel of the gun to his head and threatened to shoot himself.

  "Person, please," the security guard said. "We’ll save you the bother. Lower your gun."

  "The statement needs to be made." The female activist turned to the crowd and then up at the drones. They buzzed around, trying to get a good view of the stand-off. "Do you hear us, USARIC? You’re responsible for this…"

  The female protester snarled at the camera and yanked the chain away from her vest.

  "Everybody down."

  The security guards hit the deck. The crowd did the same, trampling over one another, causing some serious injuries - which wasn’t PAAC’s intention.

  KA-SNAP-PAP!

  Instead of detonating, several party poppers and harmless incendiaries exploded into the sky, in and out of the hovering drones.

  The girl laughed as loud as she could and dropped to her knees.

  The fake sticks of dynamite released a pretty array of fireworks into the sky.

  The security guards made a beeline for her and scooped her up from the floor. They escorted Handax off the premises to a wave of whoops and hollers of approval from the crowd.

  Dreenagh looked at her camera-drone and breathed a sigh of relief, "Well, you saw it here first."

  “You haven’t heard the last from us,’ Handax yelled as the guards marched him away from the crowd, “Freedom for the animals!”

  Jamie and Emily’s limousine rolled up to the red carpet at the front of the arena.

  The crowd bent over the railings trying to catch a glimpse of the people inside the car.

  "Mom, I’m scared," Jamie shot her a look and grabbed Jelly’s cage handle.

  "Me too, poppet," she said over Jelly’s whining from within the cage, "But we have to go, right? We can’t very well have the driver turn around and take us back to the hotel, can we?"

  Jamie shook his head enthusiastically, "We’re here to win. We’re going to win, aren’t we?"

  Emily smiled. She knew she had to fabricate the truth and keep her son’s spirit up.

  "Brits? Second to a Russian? We already had one cold war," Emily snorted and kicked the back door open. "And I’m all for doing it again if they want to mess around with us."

  "Wait," Jamie called after her as the crowd whistled at her, "What’s a cold war?"

  "Doesn’t matter, poppet," Emily pointed at the crowd behind her, "Bring Jelly out. Let’s show these Americans that victory always begins at home."

  Jamie didn’t know what his mother had meant by that, but he trusted her enough to jump out of the car to an adoring crowd.

  "We love you, Jamie," screamed a bunch of similarly-aged American girls from behind the railings.

  "Jelly! Jelly! Jelly!"

  Dreenagh clapped and whistled along with the crowd, "There she is, little Jelly Anderson all the way from the United Kingdom."

  Jamie marveled at the sheer enormity of the crowd. A first taste of super-stardom which overwhelmed him to the point of hysteria.

  "Hello, everybody," Jamie waved as he and his mother walked along the carpet.

  This time, security came running over to greet and escort them. "Mrs Anderson?"

  "Ms Anderson, thank you very much," Emily said, walking alongside them toward the arena doors. "Take us inside, please."

  "Yes, of course," the security guard walked with her, trying to remember the name of her contestant. "As soon as you’re in, we need to take, uh…"

  "—Jelly, mister?" Jamie corrected him.

  "Yes, Jelly," The guard turned to Emily and ushered her forward. "As soon as we’re through the doors, we’ll get you and your son in makeup. An official will take Jelly to the prep room. And please don’t call me mister."

  ***

  A teenage Star Cat Trials official named Lindsey ushered Jamie through a tunnel. He’d been separated from his mother.

  "Where are we going?" Jamie asked, suddenly aware that he was on his own.

  "We’re going to the main stage. You’ll get to meet the finalists. Won’t that be fun?"

  "Why are you talking to me like I’m a child?"

  "You are a child, aren’t you?" Lindsey spat, looking up the length of the corridor.

  "Yes, but I’m not stupid," Jamie raced forward, catching up with Lindsay.

  "No, of course you’re not."

  The audience hubbub came from behind the walls. It felt like there were at least a million people in attendance.

  Anxiety rushed through Jamie’s body, "I want my mom."

  "No, sweetie. She’ll be in the audience. You’ll see her in the family and friends section," Lindsey clicked a button on her headset, "Approaching door B-Two, now. Are the others ready?"

  "Yes, they’re waiting for you, now," came the response. "Five minutes till show time."

  The stage music and audience commotion grew louder and louder as the pair approached a set of double doors.

  Lindsey reached the door handle and grabbed it, shooting him a smile. "Ready?"

  "No."

  "Honestly, there’s nothing to worry about," Lindsey chuckled. She developed a soft spot for the kid right there and then, "We’ll walk in and Gunnar will introduce you all. Just do as he says."

  "Okay."

  The stage doors flew open.

  Lindsey and Jamie approached the arena’s central stage to overwhelming applause. Music played amid an array of fireworks.

  Jamie looked up and saw his name and nationality on the mega-screen. He looked at the audience. Most were in pitch darkness due to the colossal stage lamps shining in his eyes from the gods.

  "And finally," Gunnar said from under the spotlight, "All the way from the United Kingdom… Jamie Anderson and his contender, Jelly."

  Another spotlight shone down on Jelly, who sat patiently at the right of the stage. Next to her was Bisoubisou, the Russian Blue. Next to her sat a white American bobtail. Each had a plastic tie around their necks which shackled them to the wall. They were very unhappy about the restriction.

  The audience continued their adoration as Jamie made his way to a marked-out area in front of a grid of twenty-four panels, measuring five-by-five feet.

  "So, we’re down to three. The cream of the crop," Gunnar said over the music as Jamie, Remy and a girl each took their respective grids, "Just two more rounds in the finals of the Star Cat Trials. Here we go…"

  The music thundered across the arena as the lights dimmed down, forcing everyone to focus on the mega-screen.

  Three handlers unfastened the plastic shackles on each cat and carried them over to their respective grids.

  The Finals

  Round One

  - Obedience -

  A female voice narrated the event as the three kids and their cats prepared to begin the event.

  "Each contestant has a grid of twenty-four panels that light up. The owner will use their gears to light up one panel at a time. Each time their cat hits the corresponding panel, they will score one point. Will their pet obey their instruction? Welcome… to Obedience…"

  Jamie looked at a panel of gears on a machine deck in front of him. He made a face at Remy, who fiddled with his controls in the middle of the three contestant line-up.


  "Hey, I’m Jamie."

  "I know," Remy said in his Russian accent, trying to ignore the kid, "I saw your name on the screen. Do not talk to me."

  "What’s your name?"

  "Remy."

  "Remy, it’s very nice to meet—"

  "—Do not talk to me. English."

  Jamie mocked the boy with a bad attempt at a Russian accent, "Do not look at me."

  He looked over at the girl, who sat to Remy’s right. "Who’s she?"

  "That is Leesa. I said do not speak to me, English. You must concentrate," Remy nodded at his Bisoubisou. She lifted her paw and waved back, as if on cue. "You ready, Bisoubisou?"

  "Meow," she responded, frightened by the impressive arena lights.

  Jamie decided to enact the same action with Jelly, "Hey, girl. You ready?"

  Jelly didn’t say anything as her handler plonked her on the starting grid. No lift of the paw. Jamie felt immediately inferior and wondered why Jelly didn’t wave back like Bisoubisou had done with Remy.

  Of course, they didn’t have that kind of a relationship. Remy had clearly done his homework. It pleased the Russian kid no end that the stupid Brit hadn’t taken the time to train his own pet.

  "Useless, English."

  "Shut up," came Jamie’s provocative retort.

  Gunnar waved his hands and held the microphone to his mouth, "Okay, I think the contenders are ready."

  A dramatic game show-like synthesizer replaced the music.

  Jamie, Remy, and Leesa’s gears lit up.

  "And… go!" Gunnar said.

  Jamie looked at his controls without the faintest idea what to do. "What do I do?"

  Remy looked over and smirked. "Make it up, English."

  "Okay, Russian," Jamie muttered sarcastically as he hit the first panel on his deck. It lit up and seemed to growl. He lifted his head and nodded at Jelly, "Go on, girl."

  She trundled forward and sat in the middle of the grid on the lit panel. It sunk in a few inches and made a ‘ping’ noise, indicating that she’d selected the right one.

  The tile turned white under her paws. "Meow," she yelped and jumped into the air.

  "Good girl," Jamie said to a wave of applause from the audience behind him.

  Remy hit the third panel. Bisoubisou wouldn’t move. "Come on, you insolent feline. Move," he instructed her, tapping the button over and over again.

  Instead of obliging she rolled onto her side and licked her paw.

  "Ugh, you idiot."

  Leesa hit the fifth panel button and looked at Remy.

  The boy made a face at her. "What are you looking at?"

  "I don’t know," she said. "Maybe an idiot?"

  Ping.

  Suzie Q-Two jumped forward and hit the fifth panel with her paws.

  It lit up, scaring the life out of her, "Meow!"

  "Whoa," Gunnar chuckled into the microphone, "Okay, it’s between Jelly and Suzie Q-Two. One for one for those two, and Bisoubisou is looking a bit out of her league."

  "No she does not," Remy thumped the controls and kicked the deck. "This is unfair."

  The crowd erupted in waves of laughter as they watched Bisoubisou lick her paws, completely ignoring her master’s instruction.

  "Let’s mix this up a bit," Gunnar said to the crowd.

  "What?" Jamie looked down at his controls. The gears and buttons powered down.

  Daft Punk’s Harder Better Faster Stronger kicked off through the arena speakers.

  "It’s a dance-off!" Gunnar turned and pointed at the grids, "A classic track all the way from the early twentieth century. Here we go."

  Jelly’s head jumped from left to right and up and down as she observed the panels come to life against the beat of the tune.

  Bisoubisou jumped to her feet and growled.

  Suzie Q-Two did the same and hopped to the first panel, pressing it down.

  The buzzer went off, awarding a point to the white bobtail.

  "Yes, yes, yes," Leesa jumped in her seat and applauded her cat. The tiny ball of fluff hopped to the next panel and racked up some more points in tune to the beat, "You go, girl."

  Remy looked at Bisoubisou and clenched his fists, "Commence dancing, you stupid cat."

  Bisousbisou jumped to her feet and raced into the middle of her twenty-four panels. They lit up, one-by-one, in time to the beat. She twisted around and followed the lit panels with her head, whining to herself.

  Jamie stood out of his chair and clapped along with the music,"Go, go, go." Jelly hopped from one panel to the other, racking up some points.

  The timing of the music intensified. The grid panels flashed faster.

  "Wow," Jamie marveled at Jelly as she jumped from one to the other. She wasn’t doing a perfect job, however. One particularly difficult jump sent her onto her hind legs and tumbling over onto a grayed-out panel.

  Bzzz.

  "Oh. That’s an error, right there," Gunnar said into his microphone, "Anderson may lose points for that."

  "No!" Jamie yelled from his seat, "It’s going too fast. That rubbish olden days music is too quick."

  Jelly scrambled to her feet and squealed. Her pupils dilated as she tried to keep up the attack on the flashing panels.

  Suzie Q-Two caught up with each panel and totaled over thirty points which displayed on the mega-screen.

  "Suzie Q-Two is winning," Gunnar commentated, "But can she keep this up?"

  Bisoubisou finally got involved in the event. She jumped from one lit panel to the other with extraordinary grace and ability.

  "And we’re back in the game," Gunnar said, watching Bisoubisou trashing her opponents.

  Suzie Q-Two had a hard time keeping up with her rivals. The panels blinked away even faster against the thrust of the music. Her eyes turned a urine-stained yellow.

  "No, Suzie Q-Two!" Leesa screamed, "Don’t do that now!"

  Her cat shrieked and bushed out her tail. She launched into a flying hissy fit and attacked her grid at random, flying into the air. Her tail got in the way.

  Bzzz-Bzzz-Bzzz…

  The mega-screen showed Suzie Q-Two’s points drain away to zero as she hit the wrong panels.

  "No, no, no," Leesa started to sob as her cat jumped from her own grid and raced across Bisousbisou’s, pushing her out of the way.

  "Whoooaaaaa," the crowd roared as they watched Suzie Q-Two hop into Jelly’s grid and threaten to attack her as she danced.

  Bzzz.

  Jelly flipped in the air and clipped Suzie Q-Two around the face with her paw.

  The music track crashed to a halt, leaving a flummoxed Jelly catching her breath. Suzie Q-Two rolled around on her belly and licked her paws.

  "I think we’d regard that as a disqualification," Gunnar said.

  The panels buzzed out. The lights on her grid flipped off.

  Leesa burst into tears, lamenting her cat’s disobedience.

  A bunch of audience members scrunched up their betting slips and threw them to the ground.

  "Ugh, absolutely useless," one of them said to his friend.

  Leesa looked over her shoulder at her mother and father. They didn’t know how to respond.

  "Sorry, honey."

  "It’s not fair," she bawled back at them.

  The three cat handlers ran onto the three grids. Lindsey lifted Jelly into her arms as the crowd made a fuss over her.

  "Jelly, Jelly, Jelly," they chanted.

  It hadn’t gone unnoticed by Jamie that the largely American crowd were not in favor of the Russiant winning over-and-above its British contender.

  Remy was riled up by this fact.

  "Let’s look at the final scores, please," Gunnar held his hand up to the mega screen.

  The numbers whizzed around and settled on the final result.

  Obedience - Final Scores

  J. Anderson = 42 pts

  B. Gagarin = 40 pts

  Remy face-palmed himself and sat into his chair in utter disbelief, "Nooooo."

  "Yes,"
Jamie punched the air and waved at Jelly as Lindsey carried her back to her box, "Way to go, Jelly."

  Emily whistled from the family and friends audience section, catching her son’s attention.

  "Mom, we’re winning!"

  "I know, poppet," Emily giggled, excitedly, "Just one more round to go."

  Gunnar stepped forward as the tiled grids spun around on their axis and sank into the floor.

  "Could the contenders please visit their pets one final time and prepare for the final round."

  Remy and Jamie jumped out of their seats and raced each other to the two cages at the right of the stage.

  Lindsey held out her arms in an attempt to prevent the boys from getting too close, "Wait a second, please."

  Jamie watched as a technician lifted Jelly out of her cage and slipped a device onto Jelly’s right paw.

  Bisoubisou received the same treatment from another technician.

  Both cats had a lightweight glove clamped to their right paw.

  "What’s going on?" Jamie asked.

  Lindsey explained over the commotion coming from the restless crowd, "It’s a special device they need for the final round."

  Remy approached the deck and eyed the device attached to his cat’s right paw, "What is it?"

  "Watch, up there."

  Jamie and Remy turned around and looked up at the screen.

  The lights died down, focusing the audience’s attention on the screen.

  Footage of a cat’s paw flashed up. A human hand slipped on a set of metal ridges that ran over the cat’s own claws.

  "The final round," the female narration played out. "Infinity Claws. The ultimate test of strength, character and… combat."

  The screen displayed record footage of several cats in a one-on-one, swiping at each other with their infinity claw gloves.

  "No, no," Remy moved forward trying to stop the proceedings, "They’re sharp. It will hurt them."

  "Oh no," Lindsey whispered to the boys under the loud music playing on the footage, "It’s perfectly safe. These claws are designed to not cause injury. If they were using their real claws, it would."

  "So they’re like Jitsaku gloves?" Jamie asked.

  "Yes, they’re a bit like boxing gloves," Lindsey turned to Jelly and Bisoubisou. The latter sank her teeth into the contraption and tried to tear it off her paw - to little success.

 

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