Author: L A Cotton
Category: Contemporary
Go to read content：https://onlinereadfreenovel.com/l-a-cotton/page,10,592781-tragic_lies_a_forbidden_age-gap_romance_rixon_high.html
“You noticed that, huh?”
“She thinks she’s discreet, but she isn’t fooling anyone. Everyone except Aaron can see the way she looks at him.”
“He’ll figure it out.”
“Wow…” I fought a smile.
“What?” Xander took one more hit of his smoke and then stubbed it out on the bench before flicking it into the thicket.
“We managed an entire conversation without things getting weird. I think that’s a first for us.”
“Peyton, I—”
“No, don’t say it. Whatever it is, just don’t. Let me have this, please.”
He regarded me for a second and then released a resigned sigh. “I can do that.”
Xander leaned back against the bench and stared out at the lake. The water glistened in the fading winter sun. It was freezing out here, but I liked the bite of the icy wind. It kept me alert, chasing away some of the nightmares circling my mind.
“Can I ask you something?” I said.
His sterling gray eyes flicked to mine. “Depends on what you want to know.”
“Why didn’t you go to college?”
“Going straight for the jugular, huh?” His face was a mask of indifference even if his words were strained.
“You don’t have to answer.” He hadn’t answered Kaiden earlier, so it made sense he probably wouldn’t want to tell me. “I heard what Kaiden said. You were good. Better than good.”
“Have you ever wanted something so much that you can’t think of anything else? It consumes your thoughts. Becomes everything to you. Because you think—no, you know—that if you can just make it happen it will fix everything?”
Xander inhaled a ragged breath. “The thing is though once you get there, once you’re at the top and the thing you wanted so badly is within your grasp, there’s this moment of sheer panic. What if you don’t live up to everyone’s expectations? What if it doesn’t fix you? What if it’s not really what you want?
“Football was my way out. It was my golden ticket out of Rixon, away from all the bad memories. It was a chance for me to escape. And it was right there… so close I could almost taste it.” He dragged a hand down his face, pain rolling off him. I fought the urge to reach for him, to offer him comfort. Because I knew he wouldn’t accept or appreciate it.
“I got drunk two nights before the final game. Totaled my car on the way home and ended up in the hospital with a broken collarbone. It could have been worse. The doctors said had I been going any faster, I probably wouldn’t have made it.”
“Oh my God,” I breathed, the weight of his confession like a stone on my chest.
“I spent the weekend in the hospital while the Raiders played without me. They lost the game, and I lost my friends, my team… my future. Gone, just like that.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, because what else was there to say?
Pain bled from Xander making the air heavy around us.
“I turned down my offers to college after that. Cameron was furious. He didn’t speak to me for almost a month.”
“He wanted more for you?”
“Yeah, but that’s the thing… I realized lying in that hospital bed that I never wanted it for myself. All the years spent practicing and pushing, it wasn’t for me… it was for him. It was for my coaches and the school and the team. I never wanted it, other than for a ticket out of Rixon. Maybe I should have… Maybe I… shit, I don’t know.”
“Do you ever regret it?”
His eyes slid to mine. “I regret a lot of things, yeah. But deep down, I don’t think college would have made me happy. I was chasing a dream that was never mine to begin with.”
“I’m not sure I want to go to college,” I blurted out.
“I’m not sure I’m the right person to give you advice there.” He gave me a pointed look, but there was a hint of a smile on his lips.
I liked it when he smiled. It was rare, something to be coveted. For as foolish as it was, I liked that he gave me his smile. I knew it meant nothing, but it still made me feel special.
“What does Jase and Fee think?”
“I haven’t talked to them about it yet. It feels weird, ya know? They took me in, and they’ve been so great… but I don’t want to be a burden.”
“Peyton, they don’t think that. Not for a second.”
“Yeah, maybe. But it feels like I need to make a plan and find a way forward. I’m almost eighteen, and I have nothing…”
“Jase is one of the best guys I know. He’ll do right by you.”
“I know. But he shouldn’t have to.” My chest tightened. “I’m not his responsibility.”
“Just don’t make any rash decisions without talking to them,” Xander said.
“I won’t.”
“Are you getting cold?” he added when a shiver went through me.
“Not really. I’ve grown accustomed to it. I spend a lot of time out here.”
A shadow passed over his face. “I know you’ve been through a lot, but it’s your senior year. You don’t get a second shot at that. Trust me, I know.”
“Please,” I gawked at him, “don’t act like I can just forget everything that’s happened. My life has never been a walk in the park. I didn’t grow up with a family who loved me. I’ve always been fiercely independent. I’ve always…” I sucked in a shuddering breath. “I’ve always had to rise above my shitty circumstances. And I did it because I knew I deserved more. Something deep inside me refused to accept that was my lot. But finding her like that… it changed me, Xander. It changed me and now I don’t know how to find myself again.”
Tears burned the backs of my eyes and I swallowed roughly. I hadn’t wanted to break down in front of him, but I was so tired of holding everything in.
“Peyton, I—”
“It’s fine.” I held out a hand, unable to look at him as I desperately tried to dry the silent tears rolling down my cheeks. “I just need a minute.”
But the words only made me cry harder.
“Ssh, come here.” Xander wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his body. Without thinking, I twisted my hands into his hoodie, soaking up the comfort he was offering me.
“Don’t cry,” he said, his voice cracked. “Please, don’t cry.”
“I just… why? Why would she do that?” It was the question that haunted me.
Had she really hated me that much?
“I know it’s hard to believe, but her pain and desperation, her decision to… end things,” he choked out the words, “probably had very little to do with how she felt about you.”
I lifted my face to his, inhaling another shuddering breath. “Is that your attempt at making me feel better? Because you might need to work on your delivery.” The faintest of smiles traced my lips.
Xander smiled back, and the sight of him made my heart flutter. “There she is.”
I didn’t dare ask who he was referring to. I didn’t want to break the spell we were both under.
I nuzzled his neck again, inhaling his scent. He smelled so good. So manly and clean. Before I could stop myself, my lips skimmed his throat. His entire body shuddered, an involuntary moan rumbling in his chest. I smiled, feeling a bolt of confidence go through me as I brushed my lips against his neck again.
Xander stiffened. “Peyton…”
“Sorry,” I whispered, my cheeks burning, unsure of what to say or do now.
I shouldn’t have done that.
God, I shouldn’t have—
“Hey,” he said quietly, coaxing me out from his chest. “It’s okay.”
It was?
Heat blossomed inside of my chest, but a sudden burst of emotion had a fresh wave of tears sliding down my cheeks. “Sorry, I’m a mess.”
“It’s okay,” he said again, brushing the hair from my face. I nodded, inhaling a deep, calming breath. “Better?” Xander held me still, his eyes still fixed on mine.
“A little, thanks.”
He gave me a small nod before
putting an appropriate amount of distance between us.
I hated it.
Hated how cold I suddenly felt. In his arms, I’d felt warm and safe and cherished.
I’d kissed him. I hadn’t meant to, but the urge to taste his skin had been so overwhelming I couldn’t fight it.
“Sorry, that was… fuck.” His lips thinned as he buried his face in his hands.
“It’s okay,” I whispered.
“No, Peyton, it isn’t. There are a hundred reasons why it’s not okay.”
“It was just a hug, Xander.” I mustered the best fake smile I could, despite the fact we both knew he wasn’t talking about the hug. “You don’t need to get all bent out of shape about it.”
He didn’t look convinced, but he hadn’t pushed me away and scolded me though. That had to mean something, didn’t it?
“Let me guess, you’re going to go back to avoiding me now?” I peeked over at him, but he was staring out at the lake.
Xander didn’t answer me, and deep down, I didn’t expect him to. The moment we’d just shared was already a whisper of a memory.
So much so I wondered if maybe I’d dreamed it.
He stood swiftly, a blast of cold air wafting over me. “I should get back inside.”
“I guess I’ll stay out here.”
He finally gave me his eyes again, and what I saw made a shiver run through me.
“You’re strong, Peyton,” he said, thickly. “Don’t ever forget that.”
And then he was gone.
“Peyton, let’s go,” Lily yelled.
“I’m coming.” I smeared on some lip gloss and blotted my lips. Checking my reflection one last time, I smiled to myself.
So maybe I’d gone a little overboard, but there was nothing wrong with making an effort.
Oh, who the hell was I kidding?
I couldn’t stop thinking about yesterday. The way Xander had held me, opened up to me. The fact he hadn’t pushed me away when I’d kissed him. Not really. He was a little wary, yes, but he hadn’t seemed too pissed about it.
Something had changed between us.
I knew better than to get swept away in fantastical dreams where he might have felt the same tug I felt whenever I was around him. But I didn’t want him to see me as just a schoolgirl with a misplaced crush.
We’d shared something, something real. A single moment where we’d both let down our walls. That had never happened to me before. But Xander knew about pain, he knew about loss, and what it was like to be on the outside looking in.
“Peyton!”
Grabbing my bag, I hurried out of my bedroom and jogged downstairs.
“What the hell took you so—” She gawked at me. “What are you wearing?”
“What do you mean?”
“You look… pretty, but isn’t it a little much for school?”
“It’s only jeans and a sweater, Lil.” I shrugged.
She gave me a strange look. “And your hair and makeup?”
“What, a girl can’t take pride in herself now?”
She might not have appreciated the effort I’d made, but hopefully Xander would.
I found myself looking for him. I knew it was unlikely I would see Xander around school since he mostly spent all his time in the locker room or out on the football field, but it didn’t stop me from hoping to get a glimpse of him.
“Are we watching Kaiden after school?” I asked Lily.
She looked up from her study notes and frowned. “What’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing.” I shrugged, tapping the pen against my lips. “It’s just a question.”
“Are you sure? You seem… I don’t know, different.”
“Because I put some makeup on?”
“Not just that…” She rolled her eyes. “I don’t know, it’s like you’re—”
“Jeez, Lil, is it a crime to be happy?”
Because I was. Okay, so maybe happy didn’t quite describe what I felt, but I’d woken up feeling lighter than I had in days, and I knew it was all thanks to a broody, dark-eyed guy I couldn’t stop thinking about.
“Why do I get the feeling you’re up to something?”
“Paranoid much?” My lips curved. “I thought you’d be pleased I’m feeling more like my old self.”
“Of course I am, but it’s okay to not be okay too, you know.”
The concern in her gaze threatened to punch a hole straight through my resolve but I refused to let it.
I felt good.
I finally felt like things might be okay.
And maybe I shouldn’t have pinned that all on Xander’s pep talk yesterday but he’d been the catalyst at least.
Still, I silently chastised myself for searching the library for him. I wasn’t going to see him here.
“I’d planned to go,” Lily added. “But you don’t have to come with me. I understand if—”
“I want to.” My eyes flicked to the wall clock. “In fact, time’s up.” Butterflies swarmed my stomach at the thought of seeing him.
We quickly packed away our things and headed out, only to be intercepted by Kaiden.
“This is a surprise,” Lily said, falling into his arms. She leaned up, kissing him.
“I didn’t realize you were with Peyton.” His eyes landed on me, and he gave me a thin smile.
“Sorry, am I interrupting something?”
“Of course you’re not.” Lily smiled, but Kaiden seemed conflicted.
“I… uh, actually, I was hoping to borrow you for ten minutes before practice.”
“What—”
“Go, it’s fine,” I said, pulling on my wooly hat. It was cold today. Much colder than it had been on the weekend. I felt like a marshmallow buried under my thick coat.
“Are you sure?” Apology glittered in her eyes.
“Yeah, I’ll meet you at the bleachers.”
“Okay.” She grabbed Kaiden’s hand and smothered a nervous smile. They were so sickeningly in love. It was impossible to not feel a stab of jealousy as he led her away.
I took a slow walk toward the football field. They didn’t get many spectators when it was this cold, but Lily hadn’t missed a single practice since she and Kaiden got together. I’d almost reached the turn for the bleachers when I felt someone coming up behind me. My skin tingled with awareness and I knew I’d find Xander when I turned around.
Sure enough, my gaze landed on him as I stopped and turned. “Well, hello.” I smiled, unable to fight it even if I tried. “You’re late. Don’t let Coach Ford know you’re slacking on the job.” Soft laughter spilled from my lips, but Xander wasn’t laughing. In fact, he didn’t look pleased to see me at all.
My heart sank.
“Xan—”
“Don’t,” he hissed. “You can’t call me that here.” His hard gaze darted around us.
“Relax, no one else is here.” Maybe I shouldn’t have found it so endearing that he was worried about being caught talking to me, but my foolish heart had already latched onto it. “I’m glad we bumped into each other,” I said, finding my confidence. “I wanted to thank you for yesterday.”
I searched his eyes for a hint of emotion, but there was nothing. Xander wore a mask of indifference—annoyance even—that chilled me to the core despite the already freezing temperature.
“I need to go.” He dragged a hand through his hair and went to step around me.
“Wait,” I grabbed his wrist. Irritation flashed in his eyes, the muscle in his jaw flexing as he dropped his darkened gaze to where my slim fingers circled his arm.
Immediately releasing him, I stepped back with a shaky breath. This wasn’t the guy who had opened up to me yesterday. It wasn’t the guy who had pulled me out of the river and saved my life.
Clearly, I’d misread the entire situation. Because you’re a foolish girl with no experience with guys like Xander.
“I-I’m sorry.” Spinning on my heel, I took off down the path back to the main building. Xander didn’t call after
me; at least I didn’t think he did. It was hard to hear over the roaring of blood in my ears, the tears burning my eyes, the barbed coil of shame squeezing the air from my lungs.
Fumbling with my bag, I managed to retrieve my cell phone and quickly text Lily that I wouldn’t be joining her after all. I’d built this moment up in my head all day, losing myself in the fantasy that somehow when I finally saw Xander he would be happy to see me. That I’d see even a flicker of recognition of what we had shared yesterday.
But there’d been nothing happy about the way he’d looked at me.
It hit me then, that yesterday hadn’t been a ‘moment.’ We hadn’t been equals sharing our stories. Xander had pitied me. He’d taken pity on me falling apart, and he’d done what any normal person would have. He’d offered me comfort. Not because he was compelled to do so, or because he wanted to… but because that’s what you did when somebody was hurting. You comforted them. But I’d twisted it. I’d latched onto how good, how right it felt to be wrapped in his arms and I’d let myself believe it meant more.
And when he hadn’t reprimanded me for kissing him, I’d stupidly, foolishly, let myself believe that Xander cared for me.
Chapter Twelve
Xander
I watched Peyton hurry away from me, cussing under my breath when she finally disappeared out of view.
Fuck.
I hadn’t planned to hurt her like that, not again. But I’d seen the way her eyes lit up when she turned and saw me standing there. The flicker of hope pass over her face. I’d seen the extra layer of makeup and formfitting outfit underneath her coat, and I couldn’t let her run with it. I couldn’t let her think that yesterday was anything more than me offering her a small act of comfort.
Even if my eyes had lingered on her curves for a second longer than they should have.
I hadn’t meant to reach for her yesterday, to pull her into my arms and try to absorb her pain as my own. I hadn’t meant to brush over the kiss like it wasn’t important. Like she hadn’t crossed a huge fucking line. But she drew me in. I was man enough to admit that. Peyton intrigued me, and not only because she was beautiful and wiser than her years. It was the shadows in her eyes, the darkness she tried so hard to bury.