Author: Max Hudson
Category: LGBT
Go to read content：https://onlinereadfreenovel.com/max-hudson/page,5,499970-a_second_chance_at_love.html
“When you say everything…”
“I mean everything. Every unkind word, every nasty prank, everything,” he said without blinking.
“And what makes you think—”
“When you do those programs for addiction, they make you write letters and shit to apologize to the people you’ve hurt. You have to just own it, you know? No excuses. No hedging.”
“Right, so this isn’t really about me at all. It’s all about your recovery.” Now that sounded more like the Daniel I knew.
“Yes and no. I mean, I’ve been clean for a few years. But you were the one person I wanted to make things up to the most, but I didn’t have the balls to face you,” he put on a nervous smile. “That seems to be a reoccurring theme when it comes to me and you.”
“What, you doing shitty things and not apologizing?”
“Yeah, that too.”
“Is that why you wanted to meet?”
“Partly, also I’m hoping there is some way I can get your forgiveness and maybe start fresh.”
“What?”
Daniel took a deep breath and leaned forward again.
“There are so many things I wanted to say to you over the years. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, but what I did...when it comes to you, I can’t seem to let it go. I want you to know that I’m not that guy anymore. I’m hoping maybe one day you will give me a chance to show you.”
“Show me what?” Bitterness coated my tongue and I fought back the urge to slap his face and claw his eyes out. “I fell for this routine once before, Daniel. I believed your whole sincerity act, and then you punched me in the face and threw me out of the window. Remember?”
His face clouded over. That obviously wasn’t the response he was looking for. Good. I was tired of being the only one disappointed in this relationship.
“I know I did it wrong. I should’ve just explained to you, but I wasn’t really good at talking and we didn’t have much time. I fucked up. I did. But the way you looked at me that day was worse than anything that I’ve ever felt. I mean, if I had to pick the moment when I knew deep down that I was a piece of shit, that would be it,” he said.
“Me too,” I took another sip of my soda and stared at him, hoping to see a crack in his facade. So far, he seemed genuine, and that made this a whole lot more difficult than I thought it would be. How do you attack a man who came unarmed? I wasn’t that much of an asshole, yet.
“So what happened?”
He looked up at me with a light in his eyes that reminded me too much of his thirteen-year-old self. It was intoxicating then and even more so now. I felt a warming sensation in my chest, something I hadn’t allowed myself to feel since high school. Longing? I reminded myself that it was a useless emotion, there was no point in longing for things that were long gone, and even less so if they had to do with Daniel Mann.
“I wasn’t supposed to have a party. I spent the whole night locked in my parents’ room with you and so, of course, the house was a wreck. Some of my friends had made an attempt to clean up and make sure everybody left okay, but it was still pretty much a shit show.”
“Yeah, I got that part. Skip to the part where calling me a faggot and throwing me from the balcony seemed like the best option.”
“My father was not a nice guy. He wasn’t the kind who could just listen to reason. He wasn’t always, but he could be violent,” Daniel took a deep breath before continuing. “The house was fucked up, I was in trouble for that, the last thing I needed was for him to catch me in a locked room with you.”
“So why didn’t you say that?”
“Do you remember what you said to me that morning? You were offering to go down and explain things to him with me. You didn’t know it, but you were getting ready to step in front of a moving truck for me.”
“What was I thinking?” I snorted.
“You were already covered in scratches and love bites. One look at you, defending me in front of my dad...I don’t know what he would’ve done.”
“I would’ve just said they were from a girl,” I shrugged.
“Nobody would’ve believed that,” he chuckled.
“Why not?” I bristled, waiting for him to imply that I was soft, or a sissy. Those had been his favorite, go-to insults.
“Because…fuck,” he shifted in his seat and then leaned forward. “You have no idea how you looked at me, do you? Every time you looked at me it was so obvious.”
“What?”
“I knew, Mischa. I knew you liked me. Every time you looked at me it was obvious.”
“You’re insane. I hated you. You were an asshole. Don’t mistake disdain for desire,” I fired back.
“Did you? Really? Then why did you let me kiss you?”
“Liquor.”
“You weren’t drinking that night. You were driving, remember?”
“Okay, you were hot and I was horny. Okay?”
“Fair enough, but you thought I was hot every day for years, and you sucked at hiding it,” he smirked.
“So you decided to call me names and shove me—”
“I didn’t want you to come back for me. I wanted you to leave,” he said quickly. “I wanted you to be safe. You had your whole fucking life ahead of you. You got into a great school, and you were going to be somebody amazing. I didn't want your pity.”
“And now I work for you,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
“I had to come to your company and pay for your help. You own your own company. You have more credits to your name for some pretty amazing shorts than I can keep track of. Even the stuff you’ve done for me is amazing,” he said excitedly.
“You’ve been stalking me?”
“I’ve been a fan of yours for a long time,” he said sheepishly.
“Why do I feel like this is all a setup.”
He shook his head.
“I don’t know. All I know is that I wanted to tell you the truth, finally.”
“Ohh, lucky me. So what’s the truth.”
“I regret how I handled things that day, but I don't regret going to bed with you. Not once. Not then and not now. And I hated the way I treated you but if that was the only way to protect you I would do it again.”
I was clearly in the twilight zone. The worst part was that I wanted to believe him. I wanted to see him as a man trying to make up for all of the fucked up things he did as a boy. I just couldn't afford to let him in. Not again.
Daniel reached across the table and grabbed my hand. His palm was warm and sweaty, again.
“I liked you, too, Mischa. It wasn't a mistake or an experiment. I didn't know how to handle that back then, but I hate the fact that I could never just say that to you. I wanted you to know that. That night was probably the freest moment of my entire adolescence, and it was all because of you.”
I laughed bitterly.
“It might have been the high point of your high school career, but I haven’t been free since that night. So, keep your apology and drop dead,” I shook my hand out of his grip and got up from the table. Fuck my order, he made enough money, he could pay the tab.
I stormed out of the restaurant, into the cool evening, trying to calm the pounding in my chest. How dare he show up after all of these years and...do what? Give me a sincere apology? Give me an honest explanation? Admit to being all the things I thought he was?
I was angry and I couldn’t understand why. In my heart I wanted him to keep being the monster that I’d always known him to be. I needed him to be the asshole so that I didn’t have to do the one thing I couldn’t avoid any longer; ask myself why I’d gone to bed with him in the first place. Why did it hurt so much when he threw me out? Why was I so adamant about not working with him after all these years had passed?
The answer was clear and frightening. I never got over Daniel Mann. I was in love with him that night, and I wasn’t totally not in love with him now. And that’s why it hurt so bad. It was humiliating to admit, but from middle school until
today, the person who I’d been longing for was the one person I shouldn’t want and can’t have.
Daniel Mann.
Chapter Eight
“Hey buddy, we’re making eggs. Do you want any?”
I opened my eyes and looked up into the face of a stranger. I looked around the room quickly, searching my fuzzy memories for how I got here and where “here” was.
Ah yes, I’d been on another one of my nights out. The kind that involved a lot of alcohol and sex with young, willing bodies coupled with fake names.
“No, thanks. I think I better get going,” I mumbled. The brown haired, blue-eyed hunk smiled kindly and stood up to his full height. Jesus fucking Christ, he was huge. He looked like a model, the kind they use for stock photos of athletic men and firefighters. His smile was fucking brilliant, which annoyed the shit out of me.
“You’re welcome to stay for coffee if you’d like. Daniel makes a hell of a java,” called his…boyfriend? I wasn’t sure but he was standing in the kitchen like he owned the place and the two were wearing matching pajama pants so I assumed.
“No, thanks, though.” I rested my head in my hands and tried to push away the wave of nausea that the light gave me. Slowly the events of last night fell into place for me.
“You were really something last night. Daniel and I don’t usually do this, but every once in a while, a little excitement helps to keep things fresh,” said the guy in the kitchen. “I’m Jeremy, by the way. I don’t think we were ever properly introduced.”
I wasn’t sure why Jeremy was talking to me like we were in the same soul cycle class, but I wasn’t interested in how he and Daniel achieved marital bliss. I just wanted to find my pants and get the hell out of Dodge. Still, I couldn’t fault him for being nice. Being nice to the guy who sucked your dick a few hours ago was just good etiquette if you asked me.
“Nice to meet you, Jeremy. I’m sorry for crashing out on you two like that.”
“Don’t worry about it, bud. Your pants are over there on the couch, by the way,” Daniel said, walking into the kitchen to join his…husband? I thought I saw a ring.
I watched with jealousy as Daniel wrapped his arms around Jeremy’s waist and kissed him on the neck. Jeremy was the world’s answer to the question “What happens to EDM musicians when they retire?” His short, thinning hair, the wire-rim glasses, concert t-shirt hiding a fit but not fab body all screamed: “I gave up being a hot boy for domestic partnership.” It was cheesy. It was a little pathetic. And, I was jealous as hell.
“How long have you two been together?” Why was I asking? It was none of my business.
“Almost ten years now,” said Daniel.
“Wow.” I slid into my pants and shook my head. I couldn’t imagine being with anybody that long. The last attempt I made at a relationship lasted a dazzling four months before he called it quits. The worst part is, I can barely remember his name.
“What about you?” Jeremy leaned over the counter and asked.
“Me?”
“Yeah, last night you said I reminded you of your Daniel. How long were you two together?” Daniel gave me another one of those Hollywood smiles and I felt compelled to be nice to him.
“Six years,” I said softly. I saw him every day for six years. It’s funny how much I missed that. Even though it was far from the highlight of my day, I could depend on him filling a void I didn’t know I had until he was gone. Even if we weren’t friends, I still liked to see him. I liked knowing he was okay. I’d written it off as a purely physical attraction. Who wouldn’t want to make eye contact with somebody as gorgeous as Daniel Mann? But it had been more than that. Much more. Why didn’t I know that back then?
“Oh, that’s a pretty raw deal. I don’t know how I would go on if I lost Daniel. Even after our first year together,” Jeremy said, his voice soaked in pity.
“You adjust,” I said, pulling my shoes on. I stood up quickly. Too quickly. The world spun for a second and I gritted my teeth. They almost didn’t catch my little fumble; they were too busy giving each other the “I don’t know how I’d go on without you” look. It was beautiful to see. I hated them both.
“Do you want me to call you a cab?” Daniel reached out to steady me and I jerked backward. I didn’t want his pity or his help. I wanted MY Daniel.
“No, I’m fine. Sorry again for intruding,” I said, looking mostly at my shoes. I didn’t want to look at them. They were too happy. They had all of the things that I would never have. They had each other and they were obviously aware of what a gift that was. I understood why I agreed to go home with them last night. But, in the harsh light of day, seeing them together only made the pain in my chest more acute.
I missed Daniel, my Daniel. I was still longing for him to look at me the way I must have looked at him for all of those years. I was still waiting, somewhere deep inside, for him to love me back. How pathetic was that?
So pathetic that I’d been avoiding work for a week. So pathetic that I didn’t return any of Faedra’s calls. So pathetic, in fact, that I decided to meet with Daniel again. One last time.
I went home and showered and spent all morning shaking off the effects of the previous night. Once I felt more human, I decided not to ponder over whether or not I was doing the right thing. If I did that, I would talk myself out of making the call and possibly lose any chance I may have of finally closing this chapter of my life. I’d been a dick about it last time. I knew that. But, I wasn’t prepared for the man I met that evening. This time I would be better. I dialed the number and started talking as soon as it connected.
“Hey, are you going to be around in the near future?”
“I’m hopping a flight to Indonesia tomorrow. I’ll be gone for a week. Is it an emergency?”
“Oh.” It wasn’t technically an emergency, but it felt urgent.
“Is this about work or about us?”
How could he say those words so easily? Us? There was no us. There was never an us. That was the whole problem, right?
“It’s personal, but it can wait. You need to pack and get some sleep,” I said.
“No, it’s okay. I usually don’t sleep too well the night before a long trip. Besides, it must be pretty important for you to call me.”
“Okay, do you want to meet somewhere?”
He hesitated before answering and for a split second, I considered calling the whole thing off and pretending that this was the most lucid drunk dial in the history of man.
“How about my place?”
“Your place?” My voice jumped two octaves and then broke.
“If that’s all right with you,” he didn't seem too sure about it either. That was comforting. It was nice to know that we both considered this to be a very risky move.
“Sure, I think your address is in the file.” Truthfully, I memorized it. “Give me an hour,” because you live twenty minutes away and I have been wondering if you ever wish I would just show up on your doorstep unannounced.
“Great!”
“Okay.”
I hung up and spent the next twenty minutes berating myself for being an idiot. Even as the car pulled up to his high-rise, I wasn’t sure what I was going to say once he opened the door. Why was I here? What was I hoping for? I still didn’t have the courage to put a name to what I was feeling. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted out of all of this, but I knew I couldn’t keep running. If being with me for a few brief hours a decade ago had set him free, then it was high time that I got a taste of that freedom as well.
He opened the door looking like he was fresh from the shower, hair tousled and skin glowing. He wore a pair of basketball shorts slung low on his hips and a sleeveless undershirt that clung to his chest.
“Come in,” he said, stepping to the side and sweeping an arm across his chest.
I stepped into the luxury apartment and immediately felt the gulf that separated us widen.
“You live here?”
“For a little while,” he said with a s
hrug.
“Must be nice.”
“I’m leasing this place while my work is still mostly on the east coast. I try not to get attached to too many things.”
“Right, that whole holistic thing.” I nodded.
I followed him down a hallway, trying not to peek into the rooms as I passed.
“Come in and have a seat,” he said, walking into a large den. It was the ultimate man cave, complete with an overstuffed recliner with an impressive control panel and cup holders installed in the armrests. Beside the chair was a silver bucket full of ice and several support braces.
It wasn’t until I saw it that I noticed Daniel’s pronounced limp.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, it flares up now and again. I think I just overdid it earlier today,” he said, sitting down in the recliner.
I don’t know why I never imagined that his accident had lingering effects. He pulled up the leg of his pants and rested his foot on the elevated leg rest. It was the first time I saw what his accident had done to him. His knee looked, for lack of a better word, beat to hell. There were half a dozen nasty scars on his knee, and the whole area looked inflamed.
“Are you sure?”
He exhaled and nodded peacefully.
“What did you want to talk about?”
“About the other night,” I wasn’t sure anymore. “I just wanted to say I thought about what you said last time. I wasn’t really ready to hear it then, but I think I get it now.”
He leaned back against the chair and dropped an ice pack on his knee. He grimaced for a moment and then closed his eyes against the pain.
“Why don’t you take something for that?”
He spoke without looking at me, his voice gentle and soothing as if I was the one who was hurting.
“The kinds of medicines they would give me for the pain would send me right back into my addiction. That’s why I spent so much time looking for alternative healing and pain management methods. I can’t afford to take anything stronger than aspirin if I want to stay clean,” he said softly.
Small beads of sweat sprung up on his forehead and I instinctively moved closer to him to wipe them away. As soon as I touched his clammy forehead he hissed and then smiled.