Author: Max Hudson
Category: LGBT
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“You don’t have to do that,” he said.
“I know.”
“So why are you here, really? To tell me you forgive me?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s honest.”
I sat on the arm of his chair and watched his face as he struggled with the pain in his leg. Despite our bad blood, I don’t think there was ever a day when I truly wanted to see him in pain. I felt upset being powerless to help him, and confused by my need to smooth away the lines in his face and make him smile.
I reached down and ran the tips of my fingers along the planes of his face, smoothing away all of the signs of pain and stress. He turned his face into my palm and relaxed significantly. I had no idea what I was doing or why, but it seemed like it was just what we both needed. We sat like that, in silence for several minutes. Soon his breathing became deep and relaxed. In general, watching people sleep is a pretty creepy pastime, but just this once I was making an exception.
“The last time we were this close together without fighting was in eighth grade,” I said to his resting face. The corner of his mouth turned up slightly but he didn’t say anything. “I forgot you could be like this.”
Chapter Nine
I leaned in, getting a closer look at his face. What else had I missed after all of these years? His ears were pierced and he was more tanned. Along his hairline, I thought I saw a scar. It disappeared into his mane and was only perceptible if you were up close and knew what to look for. Now I understood why he’d let his hair grow. His lashes were the same but he didn’t look as brainless as he used to. There was a seriousness to his face now. Pain could be one hell of a teacher, and it looked like he had a lot of it.
I hadn’t realized how close I’d gotten to his face until he opened his eyes suddenly and we were nose to nose. A fire shimmered behind the dark brown depths of his eyes before his warm hand grabbed me around the neck and pulled me in closer. His lips met mine roughly, the tip of his tongue prying my lips apart. It wasn’t until I tasted him on my tongue that I realized what was happening.
I pulled away, but he held me still, refusing to break contact until he’d gotten what he came for. I pushed against his chest but the action just seemed to encourage him to go further, wrapping his other arm around my shoulders and pulling me down so that our chests met. He caught my bottom lip in between his teeth and pulled lightly, sucking on the flesh. The sensation shot throughout my body, killing my will to escape.
I gave up and leaned in. If this was a mistake, I was prepared to accept the consequences. It turned out when it came to Daniel Mann, I couldn’t help but fall for the same tricks, over and over again. I moaned into his mouth and he shuddered before tearing his lips away from mine.
“I’m sorry. You didn’t come here for this,” he said between ragged breaths. “What did you come here for?”
“I...missed you.”
He looked at me with those same fathomless eyes and I fell apart. He’d completely disarmed me before I ever fired a shot.
“I missed you too,” he said. His hand fell from my shoulders and slipped under my shirt, grasping at my waist and running his knuckles against my skin. I gasped and clutched at the front of his shirt. I wanted to run, but I knew it was useless. Instead, I retreated behind my humor.
“If I didn’t know you better, I would think you are talking about more than the last week.”
“I am.”
He pulled me into his lap and I threw my leg over his hips, straddling his hips. I was careful not to jostle too much, avoiding his sore leg.
“I used to see you every day. Even though we didn’t get along, I didn’t realize how much it meant to me until you were gone. I didn’t really understand how much you meant to me at all,” the words poured out of me like blood from a wound. It hurt just to say them. I could feel the heat in my cheeks as I spoke. It was humiliating to admit this to anybody, even more so, to him. But what I needed most was closure and that meant saying all of the things that we never said before everything got ruined.
“That was my fault,” he said, retracting his hand from under my shirt. The spot where his hand had been caressing my skin felt cold and naked.
“No, not all of it.” I grabbed his hand and put it back in place. I didn’t want any more spaces between us, not anymore.
“No, it really was. All of it. You were my friend, in the beginning at least. You were the only person who was really looking out for me. I should’ve been looking out for you too.”
“You did, once. Eighth grade.”
He looked at me, confused.
“I got outed that year. You bought me a Valentine’s Day gift and had Jacinta give it to me.” I smiled, remembering how hard that year had been for me. Every year the school used Valentine’s Day as a fundraiser for the drama and art club. Most students participated, buying fake flowers, cheap chocolates, and tiny bears for each other. It was also an unofficial popularity contest, with every student walking around with bags full of gifts from friends. That year I only got two.
“You knew it was me?”
“Of course, Jacinta would never buy me a gift.”
“Why not?”
“She was the one who outed me. She thought I had a crush on her brother.”
“Did you?”
I shook my head.
“I still had eyes for you,” I admitted. “You should’ve had Faedra do it.”
“She would’ve snitched. She was always loyal to you.”
I nodded sadly. Yeah, she was. It was a shame that I’d lost sight of that in the last few weeks. Faedra, despite all of her failings, had never failed to be my best friend and most honest critic. If she was mad at me it was pretty clear that I was fucking up, and I needed to fix that. That was definitely next on my list of shit to do, but first….
“So soft,” Daniel said, sliding his other hand under my shirt. He let his hands glide slowly along my waist and up my rib cage.
“You’re just used to a room full of rough and smelly men. They’ve warped your senses,” I rolled my eyes, pretending that his calloused touch had no effect on me.
He shook his head.
“I spent so many nights…” he swallowed hard.
“Tell me,” I said, my breath caught in my throat. “Tell me everything.”
“I spent so many nights reliving that night. I know I was drinking, but I was completely sober that night. I remember everything; how you felt, how you tasted. Every word you said. I never forgot any of it.”
I couldn’t understand what he was telling me. It seemed too surreal. How had he been holding on to the same memory that I’d been avoiding?
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I couldn’t help it,” he said, sliding his hands up and taking my shirt with it. He twisted the material around my forearms, pulling them back, effectively pinning my arms over my head.
“I want to lick you,” he growled. I could feel his eyes on my skin, soft like a caress, and my nipples hardened under his penetrating gaze. I wanted his tongue on my skin, but I wasn’t ready to say those words either. He slid his free hand down my neck and across my chest. Every inch his fingers touched felt sensitive and raw.
“What are you doing?”
“I used to think about your soft skin when I missed you. I would remember how it felt under my fingers and how your skin would turn pink so easily. All I had to do was…” he used his nails on my chest, leaving light pink tracks across my skin. I jumped and shivered.
“Do it,” I breathed.
“Do what?” the corner of his mouth lifted gently.
“Lick me,” I begged.
He smiled ruefully and sat up, shifting me in his lap so that his swollen manhood rubbed against my crotch. I watched as his tongue slowly made contact with my chest, circling the tight, red nubs on my chest. I struggled against the shirt restraining my hands. I needed to touch him. He reluctantly let go and I flung the offending clothing across the room.
I cradled
his head against my chest, kissing the top of his head and breathing in the scent of his hair. My fingers wove through the soft, cool locks and the tips of my index finger ran across the raised line of smooth skin that I instantly identified as a scar. And then a second and a third. My Daniel, under all of the bullshit, was as broken and battered as the rest of us.
Maybe there really was much more to him than I’d given him credit for.
The tip of his tongue flicked against my left nipple and a ripple of pleasure shot through my spine. I moaned softly. He repeated the exercise, each time with a little more force. By the time he turned his attention to the other side I was panting and breathless.
“Daniel, please,” I begged.
“Say it again.”
This time I knew what he meant.
“Daniel, my Daniel,” I whispered into his ear.
He growled and bit down on my chest. I could feel his body tensing. I felt like I was riding a lion, knowing that I could be devoured at any moment. It was both exhilarating and terrifying.
“I’ve never know if I’m coming or going with you,” I mumbled.
“Coming,” he said, palming my crotch suggestively. The warmth of his hand seeped in through my pants and my body responded with a painful throbbing.
“Ah, no fair.”
He ignored my complaint and continued rubbing against my crotch. My hips quickly picked up his rhythm, rocking forward to meet his palm and increase the friction. It was delicious and lewd. The room was silent except for the sound of my heart pounding in my ears and our erratic breathing.
Daniel continued his assault on my body, kissing, licking, biting all of the sensitive spots on my body. Goddammit, how did he know my body so well? Did he really remember EVERYTHING? He unfastened my pants and dug my swollen cock out of my pants, offering a moment of relief before upping the ante by closing his clammy, warm fist around the shaft. My hips bucked at the feeling of his palm on my cock.
“You like that? I've wanted to do this for a long time,” he growled, looking up at my face.
This asshole had been scripting an act two for how many years now? I looked down at his face through a haze of desire and fear. I wanted this, but he'd taught me to be careful of what you wish for. Now the truth was so clear, he was the only one who could take those fears away. His unwavering gaze was my only refuge. I closed my eyes and let my body express the longing I'd been holding back for so long.
I let my head roll back. Steadying myself by putting my palms on his thighs, I let my hips rock. I could feel his cock beneath me, a hot iron rod grinding under my ass. I knew he must've wanted to stuff that monster inside me, but his focus was solely on me and my pleasure.
“Beautiful,” he breathed.
I quickened my pace, sliding my cock through his fist, bucking and moaning without a single thought to my image. All I wanted was his eyes on me, wanting me the way I wanted him, in sync at last. Finally, I came with a grunt and a roar. Daniel mopped up the mess with his shirt before throwing it to the side.
He locked his arm around me and pulled me down until I was stretched out on his chest. He looked into my eyes with a sense of anxiety radiating from his pores. I didn't let him speak, instead, I swept into his mouth, kissing him deeply. I could feel his body relax a little as it became obvious that I wasn't trying to escape. I shifted, stretching out beside him, careful to avoid the side with the bad knee. I let my fingers explore his body, thumbing his nipples and skipping over his abs until they dipped beneath his shorts. He moaned softly as my fingertips made contact with his cock.
“Careful,” he warned.
“I want it,” I said defiantly.
“You can have all of me.” He looked serious but I wasn't ready to think about all of that at the moment. Instead, I gave him a coy smile and pulled his cock out of his shorts. It stood tall and proud, an impressive monument to his virility. I licked my lips unconsciously, triggering a spasm in his thick member.
I pressed the moist tip into the palm of my hand, making slow circular motions against the sensitive head. He hissed, squeezed me against his body. I watched with fascination as the muscles in his neck and chest tensed and flexed as I increased the pace and force of my hand. The look on his face was as intoxicating as anything I’d ever seen. He was completely defenseless, laid bare in almost every way, putty in my hands. I liked it. For the first time, I felt like I was the one in control when it came to Daniel Mann. It wasn’t him manipulating me, but him allowing himself to be manipulated by me.
He was mine...if I wanted him.
“Ah, Mischa!” He said my name on a choked sob as his body spasmed and he shot hot, thick, jets of semen into my hand.
I went to wipe my hand, but he held it in place, wrapping his fist around my hand and gliding it up and down the shaft slowly. I allowed him to have his way as his breathing slowly came back to normal. We laid there like that, curled together in his oversized recliner until a tiny flicker of panic began to burn in my chest. This wasn’t what I’d planned at all. I needed to put some space between us, fast.
“I should go,” I said, pushing away from his embrace. He was reluctant to let go but did so without much of struggle.
“You don’t have to.”
“Yes, I do. I need to think, and so do you.”
He looked up at me as I pulled my clothes back into place. The look on his face was one I’d been waiting to see ever since the day we met. Longing. Behind his deep eyes, etched into his forehead and the determined set of his jaw, I saw him looking at me with longing. How long had he been feeling this way about me? How had I missed it?”
“I don’t want you to go,” he said darkly.
“I don’t want to go either, but I also don’t want to make another mistake. I know you can’t tell behind all of my sassiness and sarcasm, but I’m a complete mess when it comes to you. You get under my skin, and I’m not built for heartbreak, Daniel. I’m really not,” I said. I was revealing too much about myself and I knew it. It only made my anxiety grow.
“I won’t break your heart.”
“You already did.”
“I... How do I fix it?” He sounded so desperate that I wanted to run to him and comfort HIM!
“I don’t know, but I need to figure some things on my own, and you have a flight to catch in a few hours,” I said, looking around for my phone and keys.
“Mischa, look at me,” he pleaded. I turned slowly but tried not to meet his eyes.
“There was never anybody else like you. I need you to know that.”
“What does that even mean?” I felt like he was trying to tell me something that I didn’t yet understand.
“It means that what I was afraid of turned out not to be true.”
“What was that?”
“I'm not gay. I’m not into guys. I’m into you. It took me a long time and a lot of awkward situations to figure that out. Trust me, I tested the theory,” he chuckled a little. “So you don’t have to rush. I won’t be replacing you. It’s you or nobody else.”
“I loved you...then. That’s why I went to bed with you. You were my first. I chose you because, despite the fact that you were a jerk, I loved you.”
I turned and left before he could catch a glimpse of the tears in my eyes. It was the hardest string of words I’d ever uttered because they were so true.
Chapter Ten
I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly.
“Inhale light, love, and clarity. Stand in your truth,” said Dharma. Her soothing voice was supposed to be calming and encouraging. Normally, that’s how I would’ve described it. But, today it had the completely opposite effect. She was here to help run this cleansing retreat. I’d been brought on board to help facilitate a “cleansing” retreat. I never expected to be the one most in need of clarity during this week.
I need to think and so do you.
All I’d been doing was thinking. I couldn’t stop thinking about him since he left. I thought my days and nights spent obsessing o
ver Mischa and what might have been were behind me. I’d been trying to practice radical honesty when it came to that part of my life. We’d had something. It was twisted and unhealthy and fucking self-destructive but it had been real and I had fucked it up. I’d made peace with that. But seeing him over the last few weeks had been seriously compromising my bliss.
The more I saw him, the more I realized how much I missed him. The more I missed him, the more I understood just how much I’d lost when I lost him. It wasn’t that Mischa did anything amazing. He didn’t save me from a fire or anything crazy, but what he did was much more than that. He’d saved me in a way he didn’t even understand. He did the most heroic thing any person can do for another. He saw me. All of me. He saw the man, the athlete, the boy, the failure, he’d looked at me and didn’t flinch or back away or tell himself lies about who I really was. In a way as long as he could see me, I felt real and whole.
And I’d returned the favor by hiding from him. I’d let myself be the asshole standing between him and much worse fates so many times that over time I forgot why. I remember the first time I turned on him, though. We had gym class with Donovan. The kid was a fucking psycho and I caught him looking at Mischa as he changed. He didn’t say anything, just silently leered at him from across the locker room. When he looked up and caught me watching him, he gave me a smile that creeps me out even today. I lifted the corners of my mouth and gave him a curt head nod.
That day, I damn near chased Mischa out of the damned locker room. I don’t remember what I said to him but I remember his eyes when he left. He’d been betrayed by a friend. I told myself I would explain later. I never did. I told myself it was better this way. I was wrong.
And then he stopped talking to me, stopped looking at me, stopped calling my name; and I’d been so desperate for his attention that even his disdain was better than being ignored.
But that was then.
I loved you...then.
My heart was racing just thinking about it. He’d been in love with me. It felt like a spring breeze blowing in my chest. It was a revelation, ten years too late to do anything about, but no less significant.